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#1 Edited by Project_Worm (4275 posts) - - Show Bio

Oh, HELLO There fellow Viners! I am back with a new story (Actually it's not a new story, it's an old story that has been edited to be better!). A few of you may have already read this in the past, but who cares? It's better this time... So read it again! :D Special thanks to the always AWESOME @Irishlad for some much needed proof reading and shtuph... This Fan-Fic is Rated T


David, a young guard at the high security prison known as Belle Reve walked hastily down the damp corridor in a futile attempt to keep pace with the militant and incredibly intimidating Rick Flag. He was visibly angry, Flag honestly looked like he wanted to be here even less than the howling criminals who lined the long hall. There was an endless stream of psychopaths and murderers, it was no wonder why he resented his commanding officer when he learned where it was he had to go, but when he learned why he had to go he all but had a tantrum then and there. Rick Flag was put in charge of a highly classified team of operatives, and of course the first man he had to "enlist" had to be him...

When the two had finally reached their destination, the guard walked up to the door and stopped just before he put the key in the lock. He turned to look at Flag and was greeted by a look that would make a skyscraper shiver.

"What is it, kid?"

"I- I just.. I.. What do you plan on doing with this guy, Sir?" David answered in a shaky voice.

Flag smirked and simply answered "Classified".

"Of course Sir, sorry Sir."

Finally the young guard opened the door gently, quietly. And revealed a man sitting with his head hanging low in the center of a dimly lit concrete cell.

"Well hello Captain, tell me, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" The man said raising his head revealing a few cuts and bruises.

"It's Colonel actually." Flag replied as he signaled the guard to leave them alone.

The mans handcuffs dangled as he chuckled "Oh really, Colonel Flag?... I like that."

"Shut up” Flag replies with clenched fists “we both know that I'm not here to catch up Lawton."

"I know, I know." Lawton stood from his chair. "So, why are you here ?"

"I need you,” Rick inhaled “or rather we need you."

Floyd pulled his chains up to scratch his head. "What do you mean, like a job?" Lawton grinned.

"More like an opportunity."

Floyd paused walking up and down the room dragging the chains on his legs as he pondered.

"I don't know Flag that doesn't exactly....appeal to me."

"Does sitting in this cell till you rot appeal to you?" Rick said waving a document in his hand

"Alright, let me take a look." Lawton took the document and continued to pace as he read the information inside.

Floyd cracked his neck left and right as he read in amusement “Uh Huh...now this is interesting, didn't know the government was interested in starting up a new boy band.”

"The government has ordered me to create a team." He said as he took Floyd's seat.

"A team huh? Like the old one?"

He was answered by a casual shrug.

"... Nah, I'm not interested in joining any teams. They always end up trying to kill me."

Rick Flag furrowed his brow and stood to look Floyd in his eyes.

"... The point is someone tries to kill someone, alright?" Floyd said backing up. "Pretty simple Flag, either solo or no deal."

"Look, you know no one want's to see you become a stain on the pavement more then me. You know that, but the guy we're going after is to powerful for someone like you to take on alone."

"... Explain." Lawton said taking his chair back from Flag.

"The man's name is Alexander Sartorius. Up until a few weeks ago he was little more than a petty criminal, but it appears that he has come in contact with something that makes him a rather... significant threat."

Lawton stares at the picture of the man for a few long seconds "Significant threat huh? You mind being a bit more specific? I mean he doesn't exactly look like much."

"Not until you join the team." Flag says looking him in the eyes again.

"Fine, I'll do it. But only under two conditions."

"What do you want?"

"Pretty simple really, firstly I'm going to need some of your government state of the art sh**. Secondly I want to be there when you recruit the rest of the meat... And thirdly... get me a goddamn cigar I've been craving one since I got busted." Floyd says grinning happily.

"That was three conditions."

"Yeah... I know."

"Fine, I'll do it." Flag replies angrily as he heads to the door.

"You know Flag," Floyd shuffles over to the Colonel quickly and puts his arms around his shoulder "I think, I sense the beginning of a beautiful partnership."

Rick Flag pushes Lawton away "No. Make no mistake about it, we are not partners you work for me and-"

"Yeah, yeah. Just get these damn handcuffs off me, they're chaffing like a mother."



Please comment below and tell me what you think

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#2 Posted by batkevin74 (14457 posts) - - Show Bio

@Project_Worm said:

He was answered by a casual shrug. "... Nah, I'm not interested in joining any teams. They always end up trying to kill me."

Nice work! Good old Floyd

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#3 Posted by Project_Worm (4275 posts) - - Show Bio

@batkevin74: Thanks a bunch Kev!

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#4 Posted by Joygirl (21036 posts) - - Show Bio

This was a lot better! Shows a good bit more detail than it did before, I must admit. A few minor things I could point out, basic stuff... #1, a tiny bit too much exposition. Like in the beginning, Rick Flag is quickly described as intimidating. You SAY that he is instead of SHOWING that he is, and showing that he is will make it much more impactful. Make his words bite to the core if you really want him to be scary, describe imposing stature, harsh tone, stern eyes or a grizzled face. Making him intimidating will make him scarier than saying he is. #2, puctuation. Respect the comma, man! There are a few sentences throughout that don't show the pauses you want them to. For example, you say "I don't know Flag that doesn't exactly... appeal to me." You have a good pause with the ellipsis, but not the subtler commas in the beginning of the sentence, i.e. "I don't know, Flag, that doesn't exactly... appeal to me." See? Best way to comma-check is to say the sentence out loud the way the character would. Take notice of the inflection you want and then express it. ^_^ This seems like a rant, I'm sure, but these are minor nitpicks. You are doing way better than before, keep up the good fight!

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#5 Posted by Project_Worm (4275 posts) - - Show Bio

@Joygirl: You know, there was actually supposed to be a comma after Flag to begin with... I must have forgotten it. You should read some of my other shtuph... It's almost all WAAAYY better than this, except New Warriors that was crap IMO.

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#6 Posted by Avenging-X-Bolt (17127 posts) - - Show Bio

*nods in approval before vanishing into the mist*

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#7 Posted by Project_Worm (4275 posts) - - Show Bio

@Avenging-X-Bolt: Thank you, thank you! I'll be here REALLY often...

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#8 Posted by Irishlad (661 posts) - - Show Bio

I'd say it's amazing but I'd be a little biased since I edited some of it and added in a few dialogue sentences :P Great job though it will be interesting to see where you take this.

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#9 Posted by Project_Worm (4275 posts) - - Show Bio

@Irishlad: There aint no problem with praising youself. I do it all the time... "Whoa! look how good I tied my shoe laces"..

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#10 Posted by sentryssj4 (455 posts) - - Show Bio

I'm with the old one was poop (Yes, I know she didn't say that exactly, but, Y'know), but this one was great! Don't screw it up bud!!