Crusaders of the Lost Fan Fic #1 A Hero is Bored

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#1  Edited By wildvine  Moderator

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The adventurous village idiot, Nate Dragon, stared hard at the village quest board, but alas, no new and more interesting quests magically manifested themselves from the air. A not-quite-impossible consideration really, given the strange things that actually did tend to happen in this world. Nate was an adventurer by trade, mostly due to a lack of formalized schooling, a bit of privileged upbringing and a general disposition towards bombastic, physically stimulating activities, often irregardless of logic or degrees of danger.

For this reason his sister, Natalie Dragon, had made it a regular habit to visit the quest board early in the morning and take the most dangerous quests for herself. It may also have had something to do with the high-yield reward returns, but mostly it was out of altruistic concern for her dumb brother. Mostly. Probably.

"Wait a minute! Are you telling me that's why there's no fun quests for me?" Nate was understandably upset by this incidental revelation by the narrator, who was totally innocent of any wrongdoing in this situation. "How long has THIS been going on for?"

Technically I didn't tell you. I was just narrating the scene, and adding some much needed context to the start of this tale. As for how long... Eh, couple weeks? When was the last town meeting again?

"That long? Man! If Grandma Bernadette didn't desperately need these dumb old berries, I would make up a real adventure for myself." Nate ripped the quest note off the board and stomped his way into the forest appropriately named, The Shady Forest. However the quest was a baby quest for baby-babies, and Nate was just a notch above baby in the category of adventuring, so he occupied a large amount of the mission's time pouting and complaining. We'll skip most of that. You're welcome.

"Hey! I just discovered the entire village is conspiring against my sheer awesomeness. I have the right to be upset. Besides, I'm too high level for these monsters." Nate stabbed a gooey creature with his wooden sword, causing it to explode into disassembled goblets. That is, the slime-thing, not his sword. My apologies for the necessary clarification. "This quest is so boring even the narration is starting to break down..." Nate whined.

Well, this may be a good time for a flashback. An explanation for how we first met, how I got this job, and mysteriously hint at what the future may-

"These are going to be some pretty small pies." Nate interrupted. "A dozen berries for multiple pies? Like, if they were giant berries it would make more sense."

Oh. It seems as though Nate had resolved the quest while the narrator was lucubrating. I really thought this would take more time, but here we are.

"Yeah. Turns out that collecting a handful of berries isn't really all that hard, for someone that totally isn't a baby." While Nate was bragging about his non-achievement, the village guard Biggles had wandered up. Biggles wasn't much of a guard, but he had a union rep so it was very hard to fire him.

"Careful, he can hear you." Nate whispered overly loudly.

"Yes, well." Biggles sputtered, looking for an introduction to the conversation. "Anyway." He continued and stopped again. Biggles wasn't the smartest guy either, but he WAS the smartest guard, by virtue of being the only guard. Because math exists.

"I was, uh, wondering if perhaps you would do old Biggles a favor and kill fifteen monsters so I can claim my quota for the week? Hm?"

"I've killed twice that many already." Nate grumbled.

"Excellent! You are experienced then. I'll take those berries off your troubled hands, and let you get to your, uh, monster killing. Ciao." The lazy, overweight useless guard wandered off, probably to eat the berries himself.

"Dude. What do you have against Biggles?"

I loaned him some gold last week, but he keeps saying he'll pay me later. The bum!

"I warned you." Nate replied. He would go on to kill the monsters, and collect baskets, and collect even more berries, because the first batch had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Guard Biggles was investigating, but didn't expect positive results in the case. It was funny, the small quests that beforehand had merely been boring and repetitive had now become soul-crushing and depressing.

"Dude. This is so bunk. My adventures finally have some narrative flavor, but I don't have an interesting adventure to go on."

You gonna be mopping for a while, then?

"Yeah, do your backstory thing... whatever. I'll just be decimating the ecosystem..." Nate trudged sadly back into the woods, dragging his wooden sword behind him.

*An undefined unit of time in the past, before Nate found a narrator.*

Nate: "Okay Natalie, I'm going to do the daily mission quests."

Natalie: "Maybe you should leave those to someone more experienced, there's a lot of them today."

Nate: "Ha. You forget about my awesome awesomeness, stupid. Go do girly things."

Natalie: "You forget I grew up with YOU, idiot. I'm surprised you can wipe your butt without a quest partner."

*Some time after this conversation, but before the present time in the overarching story.*

Nate: "My sister is so dumb. She never even suspected that I would come to the Forbidden Cave. "

Nate: "Man, I really hate saying out loud everything that has recently occurred to me."

Nate: "It just takes up so much time. Do I really need to talk to myself about this creepy dark cave?"

Nate: "Or the mystery door located at the back of the cave? Or how I'm going to blow it up with dynamite?"

The Overlord: "I beg your pardon?"

Nate: "Wow, a mystery voice from behind the mystery door! Way to keep to a theme."

The Overlord: "Why are you speaking so stiffly and awkwardly like that? It's very off putting and unnatural."

Nate: "I totally agree, my dude. BTW you might want to step back. These things have a lot of boom."

The Overlord: "That's what I thought I heard. So yeah, could you not blow up my door? There's nothing in here worth setting an explosion for."

Nate: "You say that like I need a reason."

*One non-narrated explosion later*

The Overlord: "See? I told you it wasn't worth blowing up my door. That wasn't even a satisfactory recounting of the event. Do you mind if I spice this conversation up a bit?"

Nate rubbed his chin thoughtfully, not fully understanding what the voice was saying, and thus not capable of giving legal consent, but there weren't any lawyers present. "Ho-lee cow!" Nate exclaimed. This is a lot better than just saying everything to myself. You need to come with me on my totally awesome adventures. I need a ghost to recount how awesome they are."

"But I'm not a ghost. However that idea does beat hanging out in a cave til the end of the world, I suppose. And that is certainly not foreshadowing."

"So." Nate continued as he walked out of the cave with his new invisible friend. I mean his new, invisible friend. Grammar. "Are you going to explain why you are a disembodied voice, or why you are called The Overlord?"

"Let's not spoil that yet."

*Back in the present*

"Oh yeaaaaahhh. You never did tell me-"

Anyway, here comes your hot sister, Natalie

"You're right. It is pretty hot today." Nate replied, luckily his stupidity had worked out for the narrator. "My what did what?"

"Sup, idiot." Natalie bopped Nat on the back of his head. "You worn out from a long day of being dumb?"

"Hm hm hm. You are soon to be the one worn out from being dumb." Nate smirked as though that reply was clever or made any sense in context.

"Aw, let him have his comment if it makes him feel smart." Natalie replied, casually sharpening her machete.

"You! Uh, are the ones who will feel smart when I start going off on some real quests." Nate replied, still not quite grasping the fine art of sarcasm.

"A real quest?" Natalie raised her eyebrows. "Did someone tell you the village quests weren't real?" Her blade sharpening now seemed less nonchalant. Giving her words some... edge? Get it? Haha. Anyway,

"One day I will find a way to stab you." Natalie's smile did not thaw, nor did she stop playing with the machete.

Next scene! Next scene!

"Tell you what. If you can defeat Burlington, the boss of The Shady Forest, then I'll let you come on some other adventures."

"Forest boss? How have I never heard of this person? Do they not come to the village potluck lunches?" Nate was very confused at this turn of events, but Natalie had already disappeared, like a ninja."

"I'm right behind you, actually." Natalie replied from somewhere.

Aaaaahhhh I said scene transition!!

The next day was as bright and sunny as the one before it. It would have been more dramatic if it was overcast or raining or something, but I'm just the narrator, not the set director.

"Okay so this Forest Boss is apparently a real thing. I almost thought it was my dumb sister messing with me. But she's not that smart, right?"

Absolutely no comment

The adventurous idiot, soon to be a dead idiot, Nate Dragon had entered a previously unexplored patch of the forest. Granted the trees looked basically the same, and the ground, and the low level monsters. Just trust me that this was a new and undiscovered place, minus the people that had discovered it and survived, thus providing directions afterward.

"Hey, you can be an invisible chicken if you want to." Nate shrugged. "You and probably Natalie too! But not Nate Dragon, who knows no fear-" However the way he was going to finish that sentence would be lost to history, unfortunately I am sure, because this was when the Forest Boss made his rather unobtrusive appearance into the story. He was a large, golden furred bipedal bear, with bright, intelligent eyes and a friendly demeanor.

Nate, ever the proactive soul, launched himself at the great golden beast, and proceeded to whack the ever-loving-heck out of it with his wooden sword. Just a couple of issues with his strategy here. This was not a regular low level monster, and the wooden sword was only serving to annoy the forest boss.

"This will teach you to ignore a free community event!" Nate was yelling between blows. "Those invite cards take time to deliver! Think of the post stock costs alone!" If Nate had been clever he might have worked a witty metaphor about delivering violence or justice or something into his dialogue.

"Bit late on that." Nate commented, just before the bear swatted him away like an annoying bug, luckily a tree stopped his trajectory rather easily.

If you want me to write your smack talk you'll have to pay me

"Pass." Nat groaned from the base of the tree that Burlington had introduced him to. "So, are you going to help or something?" He asked as Burlington prepared to lay some serious bear smack down on our protagonist.

We already agreed on this. I narrate, not participate

"Nate. You. IDIOT!" Natalie shrieked as she leaped from the trees and onto Burlington's back, her machete raised over her head. "What have you done now?"

"I'm doing the quest you gave me." Nate whined, still lying on the ground.

"Did you even look at the quest board?" Natalie asked, punctuating her words with stab-y death blows into Burlington's back, shoulders and neck.

"No I got directions from the villagers, stupid." Nate brushed himself off, trying to look cool and not really pulling it off. "How many times are you going to stab that rug?"

"Twenty-three times. The perfect number of stabs that brings death." Natalie snarled, slowing to a brutal stop. Natalie did not believe in overkill, just a respectably high level of kill. "I call it the Julius Caesar."

"Someday we will have the technology to kill things with one stab." Nate brilliantly predicted.

"Yeah whatever- hey don't change the subject! I hired Guard Biggles to dress like a monster and scare you back. You were supposed to find the directions. On. The. Freaking. Quest. Board!" Her voice somehow got louder, shriller and more ear-piercing with each word. "Watch it you." She hissed.


"Wait, you wanted me to kill Guard Biggles?" Nate sounded confused. "Does he owe you money too?"

"No, what? No! He was going to scare you away, you dummy." She sighed, sitting down on the bear corpse. "I thought I could keep you safe, and make some sweet scratch on the side. But I see now that you will always be a danger to yourself." She sighed again. "And I guess we'll have to leave the village now too."

"Because I showed you how awe-"

"Because we killed the apex predator and now the village will probably be overrun with low-level monsters."


"Just go pack."

And so the day was... um. Hm. The day was... contributed to, thanks to the heroic efforts of the Dragon duo.

Next Adventure

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I'm reading this tomorrow, i'm excited for this!

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