COMMANDO Part 1

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mikesterman

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#1  Edited By mikesterman

This is an original fiction post of another one of my heroes... COMMANDO, feel free to comment any constructive criticism you may have. grammar isn't really my forte but i try my best. (rated M for mature for the following: extremely awesome violence.)

I own all rights because these are my characters thought up from my brilliant mind, nobody can say otherwise, nada nunca, zilch, zippity doo da!!! Shout out to @cbishop for the acronym for COMMANDO.

Today was the day, he was going to redeem himself. Today was the day, he was going to receive the recognition he deserved. Today was the day, weapons maker, Johnathon Edwards, was going to introduce the COMMANDO.

“Ladies and gentlemen” Edwards announced as he fixed his bow-tie. “Since the beginning of our agency, we have been sending regular agents into the field, but the problem with regular humans is that, we tend to make mistakes, some may become corrupt and go rogue, and others might even punk out, when it comes to high-risk situations. They lack the perfection, the accuracy, and the manipulable aspect, of a computer. Now, I did not come here to make a robot, because robotics could never become as flexible, or versatile, or even as discreet as us humans can be. So as you can see, we are conflicted. How can we make something as flexible and discreet as a human, while also being manipulable and perfect statistically. Do not worry, I found a way to combine the two.

Edwards looked around at the crowd, mostly consisting of high ranking military officials and CIA members, who seemed emotionless. They remembered when they brought him into their custody. Edwards was the CEO and lead weapons designer of JohnnyTech. He was arrested for selling several military missiles, that he designed, to a terrorist group in the middle east. But because of his genius mind and brilliant military equipment he has designed, they decided to give him a chance at redemption: Edwards can have his freedom, if he in turn would create the ultimate weapon for them. Since this project determined his freedom, all his time went into the project, and there was no budget limit. Now he just needs for the audience to approve.

“I introduce you to the COMMANDO” Edwards announced as several men rolled in a seemingly lifeless man on a wheelchair.

“COMMANDO, stands for Cybernetic Organism Mind Mandated And Networked for Dangerous Operations. I've designed hundreds of computer chips, no bigger than contact lenses, and placed it into the different parts of the brain of this individual. These chips give us the ability to control the individual like a machine. But that's not all they do of course. Inside these chips is knowledge of every fighting style known to man, how to handle every weapon known to man, also how to use anything as a weapon. They have every language, every culture, every place on earth, and knowledge of every science and mathematics, recorded into there archives. they also amp up his reaction time, 20 times to that of a regular human being. Observe as I turn him on.

When Edwards looked up and nodded, the lifeless man immediately sprang to life and stood real still.

“Watch as I take this pistol, and shoot the COMMANDO”. When he pointed the gun at the COMMANDO, it's eyes widened and its body got tense. He opened fire at the COMMANDO, but every bullet was dodged. With every dodge, it got closer, and closer, until finally it grabbed Edwards, and was about to break his neck, when it's eyes rolled to the back of it's head, and it fell to the floor.

“He also has an off button.” Edward said as he smiled, and the crowd chuckled.

“We didn't only give him computer chips, we traded the boring human lenses he had on his eyes, to high tech lenses that can zoom up to microscopic levels. Giving him unparallelled accuracy. His lenses also can give him infrared and night vision and also comes with a targeting system and facial recognition for everyone we have tabs on. They also allow him to calculate measurements in his head, and hack wirelessly into electronics. If he cannot hack because the computer was destroyed, he can lick a hard drive and taste the information, sending it to the chips that handle the information. Then he can send the information wirelessly to us. His ears also have sensors that can hear frequencies wolves can't.

This time the crowd actually looked amazed. “He actually did it” they thought “We actually have a super soldier.” The look from the crowd gave Edwards confidence.

“Now” he said, beginning his closing statement. “you may think of the things I did to this man as... inhumane, but let me ask you: did you want a human, or a weapon?”

With that, the crowd got on their feet, and gave a standing ovation. People were getting on their phones to contact higher ranking individuals. Even the director of the CIA wanted to have a word with Edwards.

“Any chance we can have this thing running ASAP?” the Director asked

“I can have him up and running whenever you need it.” Edwards replied

“Good.” the director said, as he walked away to talk to some other members.

Chapter 2

Because of the potential COMMANDO had, Edwards was placed as the head of the COMMANDO Organization. The COMMMANDO's first mission, was to eliminate the head of a very big Mafia family.

As COMMANDO neared the alley where the target was supposed to pass in front of, he took his cover behind a dumpster. He wanted to be completely invisible to the target. Edwards was overseeing the entire mission through COMMANDO's eyes. whatever COMMANDO saw, He Saw. COMMANDO heard footsteps heading his way, it sounded like three sets, he has two body guards. The target is known for swaying when he walks, the swaying sounded in the middle of the other two footsteps, he was in between two body guards. COMMANDO decided to take them out first, to tie up any loose ends they can cause if they live. As the footsteps grew louder, COMMANDO planned his moves, then finally, he struck. He lifted his head from the dumpster, and shot one of the bodyguards between the eyes. The mob boss threw himself on the ground and tried to scramble away, but not before COMMANDO tagged him with the targeting system. He heard a car door open, and swiftly close as the car. The target was on the road. The other body guard was shot twice in the chest before he was able to take his gun out of the holster. COMMANDO was about to run after the target, when he heard a motorcycle getting closer. A man with a mini-uzi shot at COMMANDO, but every bullet was dodged and COMMANDO shot twice at the gas tank of the motorcycle and it exploded. It also stunned another motorcyclist goon that was coming for backup. COMMANDO seized the stunned goon's motorcycle and pursued his target who he never lost track of.

As he sped toward the target he noticed that there was another SUV next to it, and two motorcycle goons behind them, forming a convoy. COMMANDO shot both goons in the back, and they tumbled off course. COMMANDO knew which SUV his target was in, so he decided to get rid of the extra one. he revved the bike toward the second SUV and jumped off before it hit the SUV in the back. Still in the air, COMMANDO shot the bike's gas tank, and it exploded,making the second SUV, crash into a divider.

COMMANDO landed onto the roof of the other SUV and turned on his infrared vision to see the target. Just in time for the target to pull out an AK-47 and shoot at COMMANDO, who dodged every bullet and slid to the front windshield. He split kick the windshield, breaking it and knocking out the driver and the front passenger. The target tried to point the AK at COMMANDO, but he was easily disarmed by the computer operated mercenary man. COMMANDO found a ball-point pen in the cup holders, and decided to use that as his assassination tool. he stabbed the Mob boss in the neck, when the SUV crashed through a highway fence, and was about to hit a large body of water. COMMANDO kicked his way through the back windshield, and launched from the back of the car, barely grabbing the edge of the highway.

When he pulled himself up, he saw a cop pointing a gun at him and telling him to get down. COMMANDO used his facial recognition, while messing with the mechanics of the pen, to discover that the cop's name was Walter Stevens, a rookie cop. COMMANDO sent a message to HQ, requesting that he eliminate the cop. When HQ gave him the green light, he shot the ball point of the pen at the cops neck, killing him. COMMANDO then walked away from the scene casually, heading to his extraction point.

Chapter 3

After many successful missions, COMMANDO was soon the CIA's go-to guy, for missions. Edwards was extremely proud of his work, and JohnnyTech made him the richest man in the United States. COMMANDO's next mission, was to take out a drug lord in Brazil. Edwards was not at all prepared for the sick turn, things were about to take.

The mission was simple. Sneak into the drug lord's hideout, and make it look like one of his men, murdered him. COMMANDO sneaked past the guards, and made it into the house without getting into any trouble. As he was making his way to the drug lord's bedroom, one of his men came out of the bathroom across the hall. COMMANDO quietly subdued the goon, and grabbed the goon's gun from his holster. He was going to use this gun, to kill the drug lord. Finally COMMANDO was at the drug lord's bedroom. When he opened the door, he was caught off guard, and hit across the forehead, with an assault rifle. Edwards and the entire COMMANDO HQ watched in horror, through the eyes of COMMANDO as he fell to the floor and was unresponsive.

"Shoodaye Keel heem?" the man who hit him across the face, asked, as the drug lord came within a viewing distance of COMMANDO

"No" the drug lord replied. "les no geeve dem anothah reesun to com aftah me. Heet Heem een da head ahgain an les go."

The HQ just watched as COMMANDO was hit in the head again, and the screen went black. Immediately, everyone in the HQ panicked, as they tried to locate COMMANDO, all but Edwards, who was still staring at the screen, eyes wide in disbelief.

Chapter 4

COMMANDO was located in an abandoned field, near the drug lord's hideout. They sent a helicopter with three men, armed soldiers, to go and extract COMMANDO.

The helicopter was shining it's light around the field, trying to find any sign of COMMANDO. They found his body, in the middle of the field, so the helicopter landed a good 50 feet away. Two soldiers got out of the helicopter, and they each grabbed COMMANDO's shoulder's, and started dragging him to the helicopter. HQ was waiting for the soldiers to say "package is wrapped", so they could ease up. Out of no where the screen where they see what COMMANDO sees, turned on. HQ was could see COMMANDO getting dragged by the two soldiers.

"He's on" Edwards said in a panic. "Why the hell is he on?"

"I don't know sir, I'm trying to activate the kill switch, but it's not working!" one of the COMMANDO operators exclaimed.

"Keep trying!" Edwards ordered. "We don't know how he will react in this situation."

Edward's worst fear was realized, as COMMANDO elbowed one of the soldiers in the face. The other soldier was easily subdues from a flurry of different hand-to-hand techniques. COMMANDO pulled the conscious soldier, who's nose was now broken, close for a human shield, just in time for the third soldier in the helicopter, to open fire, and kill the human shield. COMMANDO grabbed the pistol from his dead human shield's holster, and returned three shots; two hitting the chest of the third soldier, and one the head. The HQ watched as COMMANDO looked at the weapon he just used, toss it, and run away from the scene.

Edwards was completely horrified, the HQ panicked again, and tried to find out where he was again. The CIA Commander who was in charge of reporting all of COMMANDO's missions, looked dissatisfied.

"Just give me five hours, and I promise this whole thing will blow over." Edwards said, trying to sound persuasive.

"Okay, you can have your five hours" he replied. "but if this thing doesn't 'blow over', you can rest assured that your greatest creation will be, just another dead junkie in a matter of minutes."

Edwards understood that, so he made getting COMMANDO back alive, the top priority. Priority two was, bring back his brain intact.

Chapter 5

COMMANDO escaped the horrific scene he just committed, and walked into a crowded street. His head is pinning as he tries to comprehend what just happened.

I don't know why those men were dragging me, I have no clue why I reacted so violently and killed them, I don't even know why my head hurts so much right now. All I do know, is that I'm in some serious trouble. Those men were soldiers and they wanted me for something. Am I a criminal, am I a soldier who has amnesia, what am I, who am I, where am I? at that moment, I noticed green text forming around the top right side of my vision. The green text said "Rio De Janeiro, Brazil." Well that's one mystery solved but, but it also made another mystery: How can I see that.

I look around at everybody on the street, hoping I would see a familiar face. When I saw their faces, a picture of them would pull up next to them and give me their name, age, occupation, and social security number, but no memory of them, no memory of anything. Except this one that keeps playing back and forth on my head. A brunette woman, who would make my chest feel warm every time I saw her in the memory, was bringing me coffee. She must have been somebody I loved, maybe a wife. Then a little girl would jump up and down, and playfully tug on my shirt and point somewhere, but I wouldn't cooperate and she would continue to jump up and down. We were in a fairly nice house, and I remember me feeling good with the nameless woman and little girl. But then the door crashed open, and two armed men charged in and shot the little girl and woman while I was unable to stop them. They grabbed me and pinned me to the ground, then one of them pounded me in the head with a rifle, and that's the end of the memory. Every time I come across that memory, my eyes water. I must have been a happy man with a wife and kid, and whoever those men in the memory were, whoever those men I killed were, they must have done this to me.

I heard a car screech near me and the window go down, my eyes locked on a small metal object pointing out the car window, and a picture popped out next to it, showing me it was a pistol, when the gun fired, I saw the bullet head toward me and I dodged it like nothing, the men got out of the car, and ran toward me. one threw a punch that was too easy to dodge, and I countered by kneeing him in the groin, and pulling his arm up. The other man tried to intervene but he was kicked in the face and he backed up. I then kneed the man I was holding in the face, and he was done. The other man pulled out a knife, which I disarmed in seconds. I stabbed him in the knee, then sat him down to interrogate him.

"Who are you?" I asked "What do you want with me? Who am I?" He just looked away and groaned because of the pain. Before I could get an answer, an alarm went off in my head, so I looked behind me, and the police were advancing toward me. I left the guy alone and ran off. I lost the cops and hopefully the mysterious men... for now. Not soon after, my mind shows me an option, it said in green letters: Hack into radio feed? I thought yes, and I instantly heard talking in my head.

"Where is he now HQ?"

"He's near a restaurant called El Pavo Loco. Send in more men."

When I looked up, I saw the restaurant they were talking about, and then another car with three men, pulled up in front of me. The men shot at me, but I dodged all their shots, and retaliated with some Karate, Boxing, Judo, and even Wing-Chun. How do I know how to fight like this, I thought as I was beating the crap out of these guys. I cracked the last guy's neck when I decided to take a weapon. As i looked at it, I received it's name, Model, serial number, and amount of ammo in the clip.

Okay so I obviously have some sort of computer inside of me, but I don't know how to access it. I tried thinking about files, and my thoughts were expanded into a whole ocean of information that i was able to skim through while understanding everything I passed, I reached a file called "COMMANDO Diagram, which I opened up and saw what looked like a 3D model of a brain. I saw hundreds of tiny computer's attached to it, I also saw eyes, and the camera lenses they had. I also saw a recording system was in the eyes. This must be how these people can see where I am, I couldn't just shut it off, but then I thought hack. At that very moment I was hacking into the recording system in my own brain, and I shut it down in two minutes. I looked over the whole diagram, and also found a tracking device, I hacked into it and shut it down as well. Now I'd like to see those men find me, before I find them.

Chapter 6

Back at the HQ Edwards just received word that they lost the live feed COMMANDO usually gives off, and they lost his tracking signal on the radar, things aren't looking good for the CEO of JohnnyTech.

"Is their any other way we can track him" Edwards asked in desperation.

"None that you've implemented in the design." A COMMANDO operator replied. He must have have shut them down himself. "

"That's impossible, his firewalls were impregnable. I made sure not even the CIA's best technology could hack into him."

"That is true sir, but the firewall prevents outside intervention, not any from the inside."

At that moment, Edwards finally realized the seriousness of the situation. There is a weapon on the loose that nobody can stop, because he designed it to be unstoppable. The CIA Commander reminded Edwards that he was running out of time, Edwards convinced the commander to give him a few weeks. He was only hoping this would be resolved before he ran out of time again.

Chapter 7

COMMANDO realized it was getting late, and he had to find a place to stay for the night.

I wasn't tired. I just didn't want to feel exposed, or out in the open. I had no money, but I did come across an ATM that distributed American dollars. I hacked into the ATM and withdrew a thousand dollars. I found the nearest motel and checked myself in, i was able to speak to the Portuguese and understood everything they told me. I gave them half the money, because I had no idea how long I would need to stay there. I was there for at least a week when I was awakened to the sound of many trucks arriving in front of the motel, I also heard people whispering for people to get out of town which for some reason, I heard perfectly. I calculated the number of whispers, and ruled out which ones were civilians, and which ones were soldiers, I remembered from the diagram, that I had, Infrared vision. I turned it on, and saw through the walls: 20 armed soldiers, with cars surrounding the entire motel, were waiting for me. i watched as one of them pulled out a megaphone.

"COMMANDO!" so that's what I'm called. "WE KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, AND WE WILL TAKE YOU INTO CUSTODY. NOBODY ELSE NEEDS TO DIE TODAY."

I gave one more scan of the perimeter, and within seconds, I had a perfect plan of escape, along with how I was going to get to the United States, to start an even bigger plan of revenge, on those who created, the COMMANDO. First I must escape this trap.

I walked out slowly, threw my guns to them, and put my hands up. Two soldiers advanced toward me, one with his pistol drawn, the other with handcuffs. When they were only an arm's length away, I smacked the pistol toward the groin of the soldier with the handcuffs. He died from the wound. I then disarmed the soldier from his pistol, and shot him in the head. I was then caught in a humongous gunfight. One man with a pistol, versus 18 men with assault rifles. But I'm no ordinary man. With deadly accuracy, I'm able to pick off the rest of the soldiers, using one bullet for each kill. I rummaged through the bodies and found a passport. This is my ticket to the states.

Chapter 8

There is a huge racket going on back at the COMMANDO HQ because COMMANDO was spotted in Miami, Florida

"Where was he spotted?" Edwards asked?

"At the Miami Airport, he is using Agent Steven Connors' passport."

"Send some agents over there." Edwards ordered. "Let me know if anything comes up."

"Sir! Our facial recognition program has just ID'd COMMANDO!" one of the COMMANDO operators exclaimed.

"Where, Dammit? I wanna make sure we catch him before he disappears."

"New Orleans, Louisiana."

"How the hell did he get from Florida to Louisiana?

"No idea sir, but airport security tried to stop him, he escaped and put 20 men in the hospital.

"Find him, we have to put an end to this once and for all."

Chapter 9

Several weeks had passed since COMMANDO had arrived in New Orleans. The first thing he noticed, was the lawlessness, Due to the hurricane.

I was walking through an alley, when somebody attacked me. I assumed he was just a common thug, so I easily subdued him, but then he got more aggressive, and started displaying skill in martial arts. As I was fighting him, more men, with equal skill as the first, came and attacked me at once. I tried my best to subdue all of them with pressure points, but they pulled out knives, and it was hard to keep track of them at first, they even got a few good slashes. But I targeted their hands, feet and weapons. they didn't get another hit on me, and I defeated all of them. They were obviously working for the people who are after me. I tried questioning them, but they just killed themselves with their own saliva. I made my way into an abandoned Gym, to tend to my wounds. As I was wrapping my arm with a cloth, I heard a door faintly open. I also heard slow footsteps heading my way. I grabbed a fifty pound weight, and waited for the perfect moment to strike. I waited for one more footstep, then I burst through my cover, and saw two men with pistols drawn. I smacked the gun off the first man, with the weight, then I whacked him across the face with it. The other man shot at me, but I blocked the bullets with the weight. I then tossed the weight at his face, it hit him flush, and he was unconscious.

Chapter 10

After several failed attempts to capture or eliminate COMMANDO, Edwards started getting desperate. The CIA Commander in charge of keeping an eye of the COMMANDO organization, hasn't been seen in months. some say Edwards murdered him.

"Does COMMANDO still have radio transmission in his brain?

"Yeah he does, why?"

"I have no other options, I have to try to convince him to give this up."

"Sir you risk..."

"I don't care, just patch me through."

The COMMANDO operator sent the signal, and Edwards grabbed a radio.

"COMMANDO... Its your creator, Johnathon Edwards. I know these past few months have been really hard, and I know that you feel there is no where to turn. I'm the one who gave you these abilities, I can take them away, and you can be a normal, human being. You win, I win, everybody wins. What do you say?

At first, all was silent. Then COMMANDO finally spoke up.

"You know what i think?" COMMANDO started, "I think you are real stupid for trying to contact me directly, I traced your radio signal, and found your exact location. Now you are going to pay like the little girl and woman, in my memory did."

Right after COMMANDO's final threat, he disconnected, and they were unable to contact him again. Never in a million years, did Edwards think this could ever happen. His ticket to freedom, threatening to take his life.

Chapter 11 (part A)

COMMANDO grabbed all the weapons he needed to extract his revenge on the COMMANDO organization. But he isn't the only one after him, the CIA sent a squad of armed men to capture Edwards because he killed a commander. Edwards was aware of both situations, and secured the building with electronically locked doors.

"Are all the doors secured?" Edwards asked with a worried tone.

"Yes they are. It will take a tank to get passed these doors." One of the operators said with empty confidence. He was a lead engineer for the COMMANDO project, and he understood how unstoppable the COMMANDO is.

Soon they heard gunfire, most likely between COMMANDO, and the squad. After an hour or so all was silent. Edwards prayed, that COMMANDO was killed in the gunfire. But soon, all the lights in the facility shut off and the big screen where they used to see COMMANDO's missions, turned on.

Edwards and the entire facility watched, as COMMANDO's face showed up on the screen.

"Hello, Everyone." COMMANDO started, in a mocking tune. "I'm looking for John Edwards" Nobody moved a muscle, and they were all quiet.

"OK, so this is how you guys want to do this? Alright then, I'll just scan the room." COMMANDO used his facial recognition program, and found Edwards.

"Hello Edwards, I hope you enjoy pain, Your going to get a lot of it." COMMANDO said, as he shut the monitor off, and it was pitch black in the room.

COMMANDO hacked into one of the electronically locked doors, and they opened.

"He's coming in through the back." Edwards warned "Everyone, Aim your guns at the back." COMMANDO saw them aiming, but he knew they couldn't see him. He decided to hack into every door, and open them. Edwards and his men were confused because they didn't know which door he was coming from. Just as their eyes were about to adjust to the dark, COMMANDO flashed all the lights again, which blinded them.

COMMANDO turned his night vision on, and headed toward one of the men, he panicked and opened fire, but missed completely, because he couldn't see. COMMANDO grabbed his hand and twisted it until it broke. He then finished him with a punch to the nose. COMMANDO went around the room and incapacitated everyone in the room but Edwards, who was horrified as he heard the grunts and screams of the men and women he worked with. He decided to flee, when he received a punch to the face, a knee in the groin, and he was flipped on his desk.

Chapter 11 (part B)

Finally, I have Edwards, the man who did this to me. The man who took away everything from me. Now I am going to torture him, every way I know how.

"You feel satisfied?" Edwards asked "Your just going to take your revenge and leave, this is your mission, and I'm the target. Take me out like the weapon you are. Like the weapon you were designed to be."

As tempting as that sounded, he was right. I am not just a weapon, I should use these wonderful abilities I have for good. At the end of the day, he's dead, the woman is dead, the little girl is dead, and now what? I am going to prove him wrong, I'm going to prove the whole world wrong. I am not going to be a weapon, I'm going to be an instrument for good.

"Stay out of my way." I told him. "If I have to come back here, your going to be wishing that your mother aborted you."

With that, I walked out of the room with no resistance. My next mission should keep me occupied for the rest of my life. I am COMMANDO. My next target, Crime.

Epilogue

New Orleans, Louisiana. There has been a brutal murder of a young woman, and police chief Steven Blair is at the scene. It was the perfect crime, the murderer didn't leave any thing behind. An ambulance truck picked up the body and they cleaned up the scene. After they all left, COMMANDO jumped out of his hiding place, and scanned the entire scene at a microscopic level. He found a hair, that the police missed. He scanned it, and it turned out to be the dead woman's husband, Who has a history of domestic violence. Instead of taking it to the police, he decided to give the husband a visit.

sneak-peak at COMMANDO part 2

I tried with all my strength to fight him, but it felt like I was punching a brick wall. He easily lifted me and slammed me against the wall. Then I saw him groan, and his veins started popping out in his forehead and neck. And before my eyes, he was getting bigger and bigger, and his grip around my neck was getting tighter and tighter.

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4donkeyjohnson

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It is a good start, but as you yourself even said there a lot of grammar error, mainly punctuation actually.

Now COMMANDO...couldn't think of anything for N :) I think the acronym needs some work.

A good start, let me know when part 2 arrives

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mikesterman

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@4donkeyjohnson: oh part 1 is not even finished. :p i had to sleep... im editing it now.

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cbishop

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#4  Edited By cbishop

For what you've written here, other than the acknowledged grammar problems, it was decently written. Again though, if you know you have problems with grammar, do the work to fix it, or ask someone to edit for you.

Story wise, this is a complete train wreck. First, agreeing with 4d'johnson, you need to work on the acronym. Not just because you need something for "N," but because a piece of military/law enforcement hardware is not going to have "Mercenary" in the name. A mercenary is a guy who sells his skills to whoever will buy.

Second, a law agency is not going to send an operative- integrated with computer chips as a weapon or not- to kill a mob boss. For a few reaosns: A) They're a law enforcement agency. B) They're going to send him to bring the mob boss in, but C) If the mob guy is still out walking the streets, it's because they don't have any evidence. So more than likely, they're going to leave the guy alone. HOWEVER, if they have evidence, but just haven't been able to catch him, then they'll send their super weapon in to capture the guy, so that he can face justice. For a guy that can dodge bullets, killing the guy would just be excessive force.

Third, there's no way in hell he's going to kill a rookie cop just for being there. Especially if it requires approval from another law enforcement agency. They would have denied his request. At the most, they might have ordered the weapon to knock the rookie out. ...And that's only if they're not thinking straight. Otherwise, they're not going to harm a cop.

Added to my FF Long Box. :)

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cbishop

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#5  Edited By cbishop

I should clarify something too: 1) I love your enthusiasm for your characters. 2) I used to do this kind of thing all the time: just putting a character out there doing stuff without thinking about whether the actions made sense for that character. If your character is a weapon designed by a rival criminal organization, then he's right on target. As a weapon for law enforcement, not so much.

Something else is a problem here: who is the guy with all the COMMANDO chips in his head? This law enforcement agency just wired this guy to be a weapon and put an off switch inside him, so they can turn him off and on at will? That barely made sense in Robocop, and then only because the guy was supposed to be dead, so nobody knew what was going on with his body. Was Robocop fun? Sure. But it wasn't thought out terribly well, even if it was created by Frank Miller.

So whose life are they controlling here? And what happens when COMMANDO decides to think for himself and start living his own life? Does he still enforce the law, or does he become a problem? Or both?

COMMANDO is rife with potential, but right now you've got it all muddled up.

Acronym suggestion: Cybernetic Organism Mind Mandated And Networked for Dangerous Operations. If you like it, feel free to use it.

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mikesterman

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#6  Edited By mikesterman

@cbishop: he is not part of law enforcement, he's part of an agency, and I'm trying to make the agency look corrupt and wrong.

now... your acronym, sounds, so tempting....

anyways this is only the origin story. he is not going to be a weapon for long...

And I never am going to reveal COMMANDO's real identity, because it doesn't exist. The agency got rid of everything and didn't even leave a trace. he is going to turn into a law enforcer, and a problem for Edwards, the agency will promptly leave him alone after several failed attempts.

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cbishop

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@mikesterman: Even a corrupt agency is going to have a legal facade. To allow their super weapon to kill a cop would bring too much scrutiny. But meh, that's just my opinion.

If you like the acronym, have at it. I think there's a better tweak for it than that, but I just couldn't quite get it out of my brain.

Of course he's going to turn from being a weapon! And while not knowing his history is certainly a way to go - it worked for Wolverine and Savage Dragon for years - there is of course a backstory there (whether you've invented it yet or not- it's implied). If this story went on long enough, I don't know how you could avoid running into that past, unless you were just willfully ignoring it. Even Robocop was recognized by his widow eventually. ;)

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Okay, I've read through chapter 10 now (all that's posted so far) and the story makes more sense now. You overuse commas, but this is a pretty good read.

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mikesterman

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#9  Edited By mikesterman
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cbishop

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@mikesterman: Everything after chapter 10 feels too rushed, but you got him to being a crimefighter, which is what you were after.

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#11  Edited By mikesterman

@cbishop yeah i may have felt like i needed to rush it... but i will fix that no worries