Well the 'worst contest' ever has officially reached the voting stage. Between Giant Killer Centipedes, German Automotive Action and the neurotic artist formally known as Clay we actually got some entries. As such I do declare that the voting is now open and will remain so until the 29th January 2014 until 18:00 hours GMT.
<-Oh Jesus Christ. With that said let's get on with the entries
My name is Chilo and yes, I am a centipede!
I can see you squirm at the thought of something like me being sentient, let alone being able to speak your language. It is okay, I felt exactly the same way about you pink bipeds initially. But being a creature of rationale and logic I got over it, hopefully you will too.
I have recently acquired a car. A shiny black Mercedes Benz in fact. But as you know, I am a centipede and unable to drive one of your ridiculous creations, no more than you sense vibrations through your legs. So I wish give you this car.
But to transfer the ownership of it to you, I will require a few things of you. Your full name, address, date of birth and social security number to make the transfer legal. Also a bank account since in centipede society it is rude not to give an honoured person, such as yourself, a small gift of money.
Please feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org as I would like to be rid of it quickly as it is parked upon some prime feeding ground for me and my fellow centipedes.
Anticipating to hear from you soon.
Thanks and God Bless.
The (Slightly) Insane Adventures of Impurest Cheese
“You do not look like what I imagined you would Miss Cheese.” The suited business man stated in a Prussian Accent. “I was expecting the gladiatorial warrior woman as seen on your billboard.”
“Yeah that was a bad publicity stunt.” The woman he was addressing replied. Clad in thick combat trousers and an aqua blue tank top that clashed with her cyan streaked red hair it was clear who she was imitating even without the fake upper class British accent she was putting on. “I got business from a lot of nerds who wanted me to fight tigers and komodo dragons as well as a few less then wholesome requests. And I’m primarily about the animals and not the pay check, and on that matter why is BMW Motors paying for me to survey a remote cave of leaf nosed bats in the Colombian Highlands?”
“We had some business in the area a few years back but it was stalled by the bat colony there. Interest was recently piqued in the area and we wanted to develop the site but before we can we need a survey of the bat population as well as any other exotic wildlife in the area.” The man told her. “And then we saw the billboard for Impurest Cheese Freelance Ecologist Agency and decided you were the woman for the job.” He added as a woman walked past carrying a tray topped with a glass of white wine and two shot glasses of Jack Daniels before placing it down at the table.
“Mr Schrödinger you make me feel suspicious about your motives with your talk of local interest but as it stands I am in need for some monetary satisfaction so I’ll take the job and give the audience a good tale in the progress.” Impurest answered.
“Audience?” Schrödinger asked as Impurest downed both the shots and then threw the wine at a passing man who dared to shoot her a filthy look. “What audience?” He asked as Impurest got up and leaned against an invisible wall before knocking on the glass. “What are you talking about?”
“The fact that I can do this.” Impurest said with a smile as a waiter walked up with a rolled up map on a tray which the ecologist took before rolling it over the invisible wall and firing a crossbow bolt into each corner. “This has to be some kind of fan-fiction story because I’m skipping the flight from Heathrow to Miami,” She stated tracing a flight plan from England to the States, a red dashed line following her path. “And then Miami to Bogotá so we can get to the action.” Schrödinger looked confused for a second before morphing into an equally confused tree stump surrounded by lush tropical rainforest as Impurest collapsed, the invisible wall she had been leaning on replaced by empty space, in front of an ominous cave opening.
“Easy as Pi.” Impurest stated before doing a combat roll to a standing position. “Hmm I seem to have acquired kung-fu powers in the transfer, my guess this is a plot point for a later fight scene.” She mused as she exhaled a thick blue mist into a water bottle before placing it in a bag labelled ‘MacGuffin – Open only when in Danger’ before flicking the under-slung flashlight on her crossbow on to illuminate the darkness. “Huh while I survey I’ll give you guys some useless bat trivia until we get to the exciting part.” She mused as she stepped inside. After three steps she shone her light on several sleeping leaf-nosed bats that twitched in their sleep.
“Okay Bat Trivia Time.” Impurest stated, “Leaf Nosed Bats are the most diverse families of bats in the New World.” She announced shining the torch closer to the bats. “You have Vampire Bats, Long Legged Bats, Fruit Bats and Ghost Bats among others in the family.” She stated as she walked on before hopping down into an underground stream. “Bats are not true troglodytes, some populations may live in caves but they are equally at home in tree stumps, animal burrows, mine shafts and the eves of buildings.” She continued wading across the river. “In Mayan Mythology a bat named Camazotz was responsible for providing the ball for a basketball game between the Lords of Xibulba and the Hero Mayan Twins.”
As Impurest finished her lecture on bats something gold caught her eye in the half light. “What do we have here?” She asked as she walked up to an alter containing a golden set of car keys. “Interesting, I should take these.” She added picking up the car keys and putting them in her pocket. “And we have a massive rolling stone in three…two…one…now.” She counted down as a fair sized boulder rolled towards her, “Just like clockwork.” She sighed as she stepped out of the rock’s path and watched it roll past. “Well I’d better return these.” She stated as she chased the stone out of the cave and straight into a gang of men dressed in sweat shirts emblazoned with the BMW logo all clutching classic movie guns with a hooded figure in the centre of the group, a clown mask covering his face.
“Ah Miss Clayton so we meet again. And I’m afraid this time it will cost you.” The Hooded Goon stated as Impurest reluctantly handed over the keys.
“Scolo!” Impurest spat as the goons cocked their weapons. “What to lazy to survey the cave yourself you hack.”
“So much hate for me.” Scolo stated. “You and I are very much alike. Ecology is our religion, well that and Wicca, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light and into the shadow.”
”Ur what are you talking about?” Impurest asked, “I have CIEEM membership and you are a paid thug. Now get out the way or I’ll shoot a bolt into that stupid clown mask.”
“Oh we both know you won’t do that.” Scolo snickered, “Not with your Chilopodophobia and the knowledge of what I’ll do to the hired help. Alas if you spoke German you could warn them but we both know your linguistic skills are limited to English, French, Spanish, Scottish Gallic and Italian.”
“Damm it why didn't I take German in school.” Impurest cursed. “Oh well nothing ventured nothing gained.” She added as she fired a bolt into Scolo’s face, the projectile knocking off the mask to reveal the face of a massive centipede. “Oh stark I didn’t think this through. Wait the Macguffin bag!” She cried before pulling two full sized women out of the sack as Scolo begun to eat one of his unfazed henchmen. “Siwang, Hawker protect me.”
“Protect you.” Siwang huffed, “You created her after me and she still got a mildly popular series of the fan-fic site of comic vine before me.”
“And you promised me that you’d finish my story but forgot about me.” Hawker snarled, “And then let tommythehitman trash me in SHarpshot/Doomhound Bloody War. Go fight your own fight.” She hissed as she and Siwang walked off into the rainforest as Scolo looked up from the last of his henchman snacks.
“It’s so hard to get good help these days” Scolo sighed as Impurest pulled out the ‘bottle of kung-fu’. “Those henchmen will give me gas for days.”
“You should try an antacid.” Impurest suggested. “And die you multi limbed freak.” She screeched as she KO’d Scolo with the bottle, the force of the blow knocking him out. “These don’t belong to you.” She added as she removed the gold car keys and pressed the boot release button, a gold flash of light illuminating the clearing as a gold BMW emerged.
“That…that is the BMV, forged in Valhalla to shepherd the spirits of deceased motor vehicles to the after life.” Scolo gasped, “Who ever holds the keys becomes the Valkyrie, a being with the power to hold the car in it’s garage and pay it’s MOT.” He spluttered before lunging at Impurest in an effort to grab the keys only to be incinerated by the BMV’s headlights, the same blast illuminating Impurest and replacing her clothes with what looked like steam-punk middle ages female armour.
“Oh great now I look like every nerd’s fantasy.” Impurest sighed. “And my Valkyrie senses tell me this thing has over due parking tickets. Oh well looks like this improbable Centipede, Car and Impurest Cheese holding a crossbow adventure is over.” She added before shooting a dirty look at the BMW. “My Land Rover is going to hate this.” She mumbled as the camera panned away and a quick subliminal message flashed up for a second.
“Vote Impurest Cheese.”
Once upon a time there was a contest that nobody liked.
It wasn't the contests fault, it was just the way it was made. It couldn't change the fact it was a contest no more than birds can clap their hands or snakes can get on their knees. Luckily the contest wasn't alone. There was another contest that nobody liked, a big garish orange thing made of big words people didn't understand. The two misunderstood contests, though not really liking each other, were friends by mutual ostracism.
The Mercedes Centipede Queen of Spam contest and The Orange One, he insisted on being called that by the way, became good allies against the other 19 contests who acted like a bunch of drunken horny frat boys. Two versus the world wasn't good odds but it was better than being alone. The two outcast contests soon found they had more in common than they thought. The same people thought they sucked, but for differing reasons.
So the two contests hung out on the thread, which was where all the cool things hung out...or at least that's what The Orange One told Mercedes, probably to impress her but more than likely as something they could share that was special and away from all the others.
They're still there now. If you scroll back through the many, many pages of text you'll see them just hanging out shooting the breeze. Probably with a few more other contests as time goes by.
It had been a two hour drive through the desert and Clara had begun to grow restless. Comic-con was still over an hour away and she was dying to surprise her fans. On a normal day, she was Lady Superion, but today she was dressed like an Amazonian warrior with a red cape and rubber scythe.
‘Mother, are we there yet?’ she said to the car.
‘No Clara we have not yet arrived,’ it replied in a motherly voice.
Clara’s car was unlike any car on Earth. In fact it wasn’t a car. It was a self-evolving ship and guardian called Mother. It had carried her to earth as an infant from the planet Ourthron, assuming the disguise of a car.
‘Perhaps you would like some music?’ she said.
‘Fine,’ Clara grumbled.
Mother played romantic music in an attempt to evoke some emotional feeling in Clara, in a bid to calm her down. A frown formed on her face.
‘Clara, I am simply appealing to your hormone levels.’
Clara fell silent and began to fantasise about Superion. He led his team, the Justice L—on a mission to Ourthron but told her to remain on earth and an argument followed.
She pondered on an answer to this and came up with many. Jealously could be one, she thought. I have all of his powers; super-strength, invulnerability, flight, laser vision and even more powers than he. Maybe he thought I would overshadow him. He’s so old-fashioned.
Despite her feelings, she did not miss him that much. She actually appreciated the space. But her anger would not subside. She stopped the car and jumped directly into the sun. Waves of heat rushed over her but she didn’t feel it.
In the dust was a dead centipede. She plucked its lifeless body and held it carefully to avoid crushing it.
‘Disgusting creature,’ she sneered.
Her thoughts would deflect back to her lover. She inhaled and blew gently on the creature, imparting it her life essence. The creature struggled in her hand and bit her. She wanted to kill the creature but was too proud of her work. She dropped it and continued her journey with Mother.
Half an hour had past and Clara was lost in the music. All reality came rushing back when the car tilted and was thrown into the air. It spun and landed on its back. Clara looked through the side glass and could see an object moving. Her eyes widened when she realised it was the centipede.
The creature had grown to enormous size and was digging through the ground. It dived elegantly like a dolphin, and landed on its face before digging again.
With a kick, Clara sent the car door flying and tumbled out. She couldn’t believe how this happened. The creature glided towards her swiftly and tackled her, brushing Mother aside. Clara stood her ground and wrestled with the beast, grabbing it by its black claws.
‘You can hurt me,’ she screamed. ‘But you never hurt Mother!’
Its legs scuttled forward, pushing Clara back. She lost her footing and tumbled under its weight. The creature quickly bit her with its venomous claws. Its antennas slid around her slender body and began to squeeze. It was weird; she could feel it sapping her life energy. Her legs wobbled under the weight.
The monster’s claws pulled at her relentlessly until she was in its mouth. Her ginger hair darkened as it dripped with slime. She screamed like a man and fired a red beam from her eyes. The beast squealed and jumped. Its metallic shell protected it from what would be an incision down the chest.
Clara fell to her knees panting. With her last reserves, she flew upwards, creating a sonic boom as she broke the sound barrier. She held out her arms and bathed in the energy of the sun. Her strength returned quickly.
Clouds began to roll towards the creature which wrestled onto its feet. Its face burnt, it lifted its body as much as it could. Its antenna sensed Clara’s energy and would wiggle uncontrollably, reaching for the sky. The clouds had grown black and formed a powerful storm.
Clara came rushing down and collided with the creature. The storm grew violent and rained down a lightning bolt on the creature for each blow Clara threw. Blow after blow, the creature surrendered and died, and the storm dissipated.
And thus, Clara was rejuvenated and continued her journey to Comic-con. And she had a bloody good time.
My name is Elouise Clayton and I am afraid.
At the moment of writing this I have this strange feeling I've been watched all day..
It's crazy I know why would anyone want to follow me?
But it seems like everywhere I look there's this unmarked black BMW and wait...there it is again, I'm going out to find out what's behind this once and for all.
A headlight unrelentingly flashed on and off through Elouise's window.
"Hello?" she shouted out into the night, but there was no response other than the flashing headlights.
Her mind moved back to her home and into her room, where she was safe but her body seemed to want to carry her forward as if it was entranced by the dancing of the lights.
The passenger door opened in response as she leaned her head in.
"Who are you?" she hesitantly asked as one foot entered the black BMW.
"A friend" the man in the car responded as Elouise's body continued to shift into the car.
"What have you done to me?" she hissed in shock as her body strapped her into the car without her permission.
The man ran his finger through the woman's red hair she would be shivering if she were in control "I just invited you into my car, that's all, now let's go for a spin."
The car slowly crawled for a half an hour until they reached a grey desolate building "Come now" he commanded and her body followed.
The room was filled with nothing other than a table, a chair and two black boxes with the man standing over both.
The man flashed a light across the woman's eyes and like an elastic band she was no longer entranced and all her emotions collided together as the man spoke "I'm sorry I had to hypnotise you friend, but it's the only way I could get you to come to my party."
Elouise picked herself up from the ground and slowly backed away as the man continued "There's no reason to run either, not until you've done what I've asked you to do, I know, I know I'm one of those desperate friends but really you could blame it on my Mom and Dad."
Elouise looked through the hole in the building and observed the geology of the landscape, it was filled with trees, even if she could run he'd be able to catch her in an instance.
"W...what do you want me to do?" she reluctantly asked.
The man opened the first black box "I've watched you for about a month now friend, and I want you to overcome your greatest weakness...fear"
"Fear?" Elouise asked as her lips started to tremble at what was inside the box.
"Yes" the man stated "I want you to eat five of these centipedes, in return I'll tell you what I'm afraid of."
Tears gushed down from the woman's green eyes, her body wanted to carry her back home but her mind told her she needed to eat and so she did.
The first was the easiest, her shock numbed the pain of the creature wiggling down her throat.
The second was the worst as the first wasn't fully digested and attempted to meet its friend as it entered.
More and more pain engulfed her with each bite she took until the very last centipede which was the easiest of all as she fell to the ground and couldn't feel a thing as her body became paralysed.
The man slowly clapped as the woman lay on the ground jolting "My, my Ellie you are quite the warrior aren't you? now it's my turn."
The man opened the second black box and held in side was a block of cheese.
The man lifted the woman's motionless body on to a chair.
He crouched down to look into Ellie's faded eyes as her head could no longer look forward "My father was an alcoholic, no one said anything to him as long as he stayed out of the way. But then one day he picked up a book at this hospital called...ways to cure alcoholism and regain five years of your life."
The man stood up as he gazed back at the box "So from that day on for six months, he followed it. And you wanna know what he ate? you guessed it,a block of cheese."
The man paused as his memories bit back at him "Good for the bones and liver he said. Until one day, he didn't like the cheese, I could see it on his face as he chewed he was disgusted with a harsh look at my Mom as she could see it too."
The man revealed a knife "So he clung this cheese knife into her again and again, until he laughed at a joke that occurred to him and you wanna know what he said Ellie?"
The man chuckled "That is the most impurest cheese I've ever tasted."
My name is Elouise Clayton and I am not afraid.
It's been ten months since I last wrote.
My legs no longer work but the doctors have managed to regain my hands for me.
They still haven't found him.
I remember glimpses, but not his face.
There are times where I almost imagine him as a centipede driving the BMW.
I hope he doesn't come back.
I've realised from that night on that sometimes there are monsters disguised as people and the people don't even realise it.
I wrote that book his father read.
and finally @cbishop wrote;
Finding a golden idol in the shape of a modern car wasn't the hardest job I've ever had, but it may very well have been the strangest. That is, it may have been, until I was approached by that little girl. "Clarissa!" she called. No one had called me that in years.
"Do I know you?" I asked the girl as she ran up to me.
"I'm Ana!" she said brightly. She leaned in and whispered, "I've got a message for you." A little amused, I smiled and she said, "Open the boot."
"I beg your pardon?" I was genuinely confused.
"Oh, right, Clarissa's an American. The 'trunk.' Open the trunk," insisted the girl.
I was a bit stupefied, and it must have showed, because she gave me a look that said, "Snap out of it, dummy," and with a jerk of her hand indicated the BMV parked on the street behind me. Not quite shaking my befuddlement, I looked toward the car for a moment, before I heard the girl turn to run away.
"Wait!" I called after her. She stopped only a few steps from me, and turned to look at me curiously. "How do you know me as 'Clarissa?'"
Just then, two dozen boa constrictors slithered across the street, passing around Clarissa and between her feet. Her pupils elongated horizontally, then turned like keyholes until they were vertical and she blinked sideways. "You delivered me and my clutch," she answered, and with that, her form melted into that of another boa constrictor, and she slithered away with her siblings.
I remembered that day with some disdain, as it's one of the few jobs I have been fired from. I scowled at the receding tangle of snakes for just a moment, before remembering the girl's message. I fished the keys from the pocket of my combat trousers, and felt their heft in my hand. Jangling them for a moment, I tossed them lightly, caught them, and hit the keyfob button for the trunk. It popped lightly.
I walked over, opened it gingerly, and all I found inside was a pure white cat with a really ugly black and orange collar. It looked at me and said, "Meow." It didn't meow at me. It actually said the word, "Meow." While I was processing that, it jumped in my arms, rubbed it's head against my shoulder, then promptly clawed me and jumped, hightailing it for the alley across the street. I thought it's collar pulled off as it jumped, but it turns out it wasn't a collar at all.
It was a centipede. A really big centipede. I hate centipedes. "A centipede," I gasped. "Why does it have to be a centipede?"
It was rolling sideways down my arm while I was having this moment of phobic hysteria, until it reached my wrist and curled around it like a charm bracelet, stopping its momentum. Something I was sure it shouldn't be able to do, but nor should it have been able to say, "I wasn't really given much of a choice in the matter. My wife was a bit unhappy with me at the time."
I screamed and smacked at it instinctively, only succeeding in causing its venomous spurs to dig deeper into my wrist, which only freaked me out more. So I did the sensible thing and slammed my wrist on the trunk lid a bunch of times, trying to kill Jiminy Cricket's ugly cousin, but only succeeding in slamming the trunk shut in my fervor. I probably would've kept going until the pain caused me to pass out, but inbetween poundings against the car, the centipede finally said, "Do <oof> you <oof>MIND!" He had a rather manly voice for such a small creature...I might have even called it debonair, if it wasn't coming from a freakingcentipede! With a wild look on my face, I stared for several seconds at the thing clinging to my wrist like a bad memory. "You're quite lovely when you're manic, you know."
My chest heaved a couple of times, trying to keep down a scream, and I forced out, "What. do. you. WANT?!"
It looked up at me and said, "I need your help, luv."
My wrist still extended out as far in front of me as I could get it, I looked at the thing incredulously and said, "You have got to be kidding."
Several of the legs nearest the head seemed to shrug as he asked, "Why do you hate me so? You don't even know me."
I didn't really feel the need to explain myself to a bug - especially a bug I didn't even know - but my mouth opened unbidden, "It was my gap-year in Indonesia- I was envenomed by a giant centipede. I woke up in my tent to find a massive centipede crawling on my arm that looked exactly like you. That freaked me out, but what was worse was when the guide told us that each of its forty feet has a venomous spur on it. I was feverish and in constant pain for the next three days."
"Hm," the centipede fretted. "It hurt, then?"
"'Hurt?' Screw that. It felt as if someone had lathered up my skin with acid. It was that painful." Then I blinked hard and shook my head. "Why am I telling you this?" I felt a little woozy, and put my centipede free hand to my forehead.
"Yes, well, that would be me," he confessed. "My venom is a bit special. It compels you do whatever I want, including answering my questions."
I became a little unsteady. "That's reedorkylus," I slurred.
"Oh? Tell me, luv..."
"Stop cowlin' me dat," I interrupted. I wrinkled my nose at the words that wouldn't come out right.
"...Tell me," it repeated, "What's your favorite pants?"
"Combat troos...truss...the kind I'm warrin', ob'v'usly." I swayed a bit.
"Um-hm," it continued, "and you're afraid of me. Are you afraid of snakes?"
"I hander ven'm'us snakes on a reg'ar basis." I was trying to sound superior, but just then I was finding it really hard to do that and still stand up straight. "Perfess'r Jones really loves me f'r that." I smiled awkwardly and wobbled, stumbling back a couple of paces.
"I see. And what's your name?" he asked.
"Impurr...Emp'ror' Chess...no. No." Forgetting about the thing wrapped around my wrist, I stretched my arms closer to my sides, not quite touching, forcing myself to stand steady. I concentrated hard, and managed to say, "Impurest. Cheese."
"Your real name?"
"Elouise. Clayton," I answered, still forcing correct pronunciations from my mouth.
Sounding unnervingly charming, he asked, "Don't you mean 'Joanne,' luv?"
With that, a leotard and helmet of pink crystal formed around me, popping the centipede free of my wrist and bringing me to instant sobriety...and anger. "Only one person got to call me that, and you. are not. her! And I told you to stop calling me 'luv.' State your business bug, or I'm putting you in a coffee can until I figure out how to be rid of you for good."
"I don't think there's a coffee can big enough for me," he said, growing until he had become an eel.
I raised an eyebrow and smiled a cruel smile as the former centipede found it hard to breathe. It flopped back and forth on the pavement. "Having problems?" I mocked.
It grew again as it struggled, and became something larger and more mobile. He said, "Nothing Lugh the Wanderer can't overcome," and then he struck at me.
I flipped backwards, gracefully avoiding the strike and landing in a crouch, my tail whipping aggressively side to side. I hadn't been Katya in awhile. "Again, serpent: what do you want?" I growled.
He curled back on himself a bit, surprised to see my Princess Katya form. He tilted his head to one side and considered for a moment, then shifted his form again into the massive Dragon Eel of Macau. In response, I shifted from Katya to Jena Johansson, otherwise known as...
"Black Boxxxx!" the Dragon Eel hissed. "Then you do have what I am after!"
I gritted my teeth and asked, "And what would that be?"
"The golden mask of Ai Apaec! I must have it!" said the Dragon Eel.
I narrowed my eyes and asked, "Why?"
The Dragon coiled from side to side a bit, its head always staying centered towards me. He must have finally seen the futility in deception, as he gave in and answered, "My wife, Fea, gave me this ability to shapeshift long ago, when I was still a Viking named Ragnar. Over time, I have been all these things you've seen today, and more. She too has had many forms. She's currently in a temple in Peru, in her true form of Ai Apaec. She needs the mask to summon the Sea God, in order to save the Earth."
Still suspicious, I asked, "Save Earth from what?"
"Not what," he answered, "but who. The Orumcek are coming."
On hearing that name, I shifted from Black Box to a Valkyrie dressed in Middle Ages armor with a steampunk flair. "Get in the car," I said.
"Turn into that Viking you mentioned," I said, and hit the keyfob to unlock the doors.
The Dragon Eel seemed to coil upon itself as its form compressed and shifted into the form of a Viking warrior. "Ragnar, at your service," he said, his voice finally matching his visage. Swifter than I'd have thought, he closed the distance between us, grabbed me by the throat and lifted me off of the ground. "I think I'll just take that mask though, if you don't mind."
Both of my hands on his wrist, I leveraged myself enough to be able to say, "I'll...tell you...for...a kiss."
"HA! A kiss?" he roared. "I'm a Viking, wench! Do you think I don't know the power of a Valkyrie's kiss?" He slammed me against the car, and through gritted teeth said, "Tell me where the mask is!"
As he loosened his grip enough for me to talk, I took a few deep breaths and answered, "It's in the trunk."
"Do you think me a fool, woman? That's where you found me, remember? There was nothing in that trunk but me and that cat!"
"Yes, and some other time, you must tell me how you came to be there, but the mask is there also. It's in the spare tire compartment, under the floor." I held up one hand and jangled the keys before popping the trunk again.
Ragnar dragged me by the neck to the rear of the car, and with his free hand he started pawing at the floor of the trunk. Needing his other hand, he set me down and shoved me backwards before continuing to rip at the flooring.
I regained my composure, enjoying the free flow of air again, and looked down the street to see a couple of dozen kids and their sister running from the alley. Ana stopped in the middle of the street and waved at me before continuing after her brothers and sisters. As I waved back, Ragnar, his head half in the trunk, bellowed, "I see your many forms have taught you to be sneaky, luv!"
My steampunk armor shifted to bone, and a scythe appeared in my hand. "You know what else my many forms taught me?" I asked as I swept his feet with the scythe, tumbling him into the trunk. I pinned him down with the scythe, and as he looked at me in surprise, I recited, "'Meta, Dermis, Auricus.'" He turned to gold, and I slammed the lid down.
Shifting once more into combat trousers and a tank top, my scythe became a hand bow, which I tossed into the passenger seat as I got in. I pulled a cell phone from the console and made a call. "This is Siwang. Make some room in storage for a life sized golden statue, and find me that mask with the golden tentacles. It's somewhere near the Book of Secrets. I'm going to Peru. Right, Peru. Be there shortly." I hit the end button and tossed the phone next to the hand bow. I started the BMV, it lifted off the ground, and I was off to save the world. Again.
Have fun reading and fun writing. To every one who entered my thanks to you now let's get voting.