@Irishlad: @tomdickharry1984:
@batkevin74 said:
The redaction bits don't quite work for me @VyseCarma but the dialog is good. Is it Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat who is the cold case?
Ah, "redacted." That was the word I couldn't think of. :) I liked it okay - it was sort of an added coolness that you could highlight over them, and read what was redacted. Made it feel like the reader was getting a peak at the top secret stuff they aren't supposed to know. Nice way to take advantage of the medium.
@VyseCarma said:
@cbishop : Mainly the way I have him all drawn out in my mind, he works silently, and his out hit looks like a mix between the classic ninja and Raziel (Legacy of Kain)
@batkevin74 : Cold Case is an original Character from the comics I've been trying forever to write DISC and he's the top assassin in the CIA. I wrote a little bit for DISC #3 Here on CV called "Who is Cold Case?" but it really didn't get any views so I gave it the drop and started working on other things while I work out the kinks in the 60 odd issues I have written up.
It's cool that you've put so much work into Cold Case, but having it drawn out in your mind doesn't cut it, if you can't get it in front of the reader. The goal of this contest is to present readers with a ninja in 360 words or less. You gave us a decent character with a cool name, but nothing about the scene says "ninja." In the context of the contest, the reference to the belt full of knives made me think, "That must be the ninja influence," but had I read it outside of the contest, I would have assumed this was an assassin with a heavy use of bladed weapons.
Please don't misunderstand me. I read a scene that made me want to know more about Cold Case. In that, you did excellent. I just don't see the connection to ninja, in this scene specifically. I wouldn't mind seeing you tweak the entry to make it a stronger contender.
Batkev' did an excellent job of immediately giving us a multi-layered history to his characters - names, family history as pirates, the son's desire to become a ninja, and a cliffhanger that makes you want to know how that fight's going to come out. Frankly, I think Batkevin74 might have the edge on us, this contest.
Tomdickharry1984 did an amazing job of making me want to read more, to find out about the character, in very few words (in fact, I'm wondering if he met the minimum count requirement). I came away with the distinct impression he fired that off of the top of his head, and with further effort, he could walk away with something very cool.
Irishlad gave a unique perspective, telling the defining and final moments of a ninja's life. The distinct difference between that scene and the Cold Case scene being that he mentions his training as a shinobi. Without that, the character wouldn't have necessarily said "ninja" to the reader. Both his and TDH84's entries are cool, but need serious grammatical tweaking.
For my own scene, I intentionally didn't name the character - I didn't want to waste the word count. I wanted to get as much origin backstory in there as I could, conveying as much of the character's attitude as possible. I was going for modern sensibility in an ancient profession. Personally, I think I may have fallen a little short on it, but I'm okay with that. The word count restriction was my biggest challenge (as this lengthy reply may have indicated by now) and I met that, so I feel good about it.
I'm trying to oil some rusty writing gears here, so I don't really expect a home run right out of the gate. I just want to get done with this contest, and see what the next one is going to be. It's been a long while since I participated in online writing challenges, and it's always a kick. The (mostly) instant feedback you get on the 'Net is helpful too (as long as it's constructive, and not combative).
This is going to be fun.
Log in to comment