CCC#95 The Power of Awkward

The Coming of Dick Laser

A bullet whizzes by, just missing the man and woman hiding behind the freight car, but hitting the fuel tanker several tracks over. "Miss Mann, get down!" The man pushes the woman to the ground, shielding her with his own body as the tanker explodes. As the explosion subsides, the man stands up. Peeking around the back end of the freight car, he pumps his shotgun. Reaching back without looking, he offers his hand to help Miss Mann up. As she gets to her feet, he says, "It's time for me to lay down the law."

"Hart! No! Don't do it!" cries the woman.

"I have to, Anita," he says grimly. "It's all--"

"--We interrupt this broadcast of Kohl's Law for this breaking news. We take you now to the Channel Seven Newsroom with Phillip Thyme and Paige Webb."

Channel Seven Newsroom

"Hello, I'm Phillip Thyme," says the grim-looking news anchor.

"And I'm Paige Webb," says the co-anchor, looking equally grim.

Phillip looks at the camera and says, "A situation has developed downtown where armed gunmen have attempted to rob the Larsen City Bank. Police having arrived on scene before they could make their getaway, the gunmen have taken the employees and afternoon customers hostage."

Sounding deeply concerned, Paige adds, "We take you now to our man in the field, Mike Rofon. Mike?"

Looking to the monitor behind them, Mike Rofon appears center screen. Flashing police lights can be seen behind him, as well as uniformed officers, fully armored S.W.A.T. personnel, and bystanders crowding the yellow taped cordons.

His hand to his earpiece, leaning in towards the camera as he listens for his cue, there are a few seconds of delay as the sound reaches the field reporter. Finally, he nods, and answers, "Phillip, Paige, you've already summed up the situation here, and it istense! Larsen S.W.A.T. are onsite, and have taken command of the situation. We've been told that snipers are in place, and a hostage negotiator is about to attempt contact with the gunmen insi--"

Mike's words are cut short as the gathered crowd becomes excited, pointing at the sky. The camera pans upwards, then swings down quickly to catch the superhero landing of a man clad in nothing but red bikini swim briefs that appear to be made of hard plastic.

Mike fumbles briefly, but falls back on narrating what he sees. "Phillip, Paige, a man has just flown onto the scene. I'm not sure who he is, but--"

Larsen City Bank

"Hey!" shouts the S.W.A.T. captain. "Who the hell are you?" Looking at the spot where the man landed, he adds, "Great, just what we need- another pothole."

Fists on his hips, skin glistening in the sun, the African-American man turns towards the captain, flashing a perfect white smile. "Name's Dick Laser. I'm here to help." He walks towards the captain, hand extended for a handshake.

"Aw, give me a break," grouses the captain. "Get the hell behind the cordon, and for God's sake, put something on!"

A couple of S.W.A.T. officers move in to escort the man to the edge of the cordon, but he brushes them aside casually, which sends them stumbling back several feet. "Captain, trust me," he says as he reaches for a bullhorn set on the command table next to the S.W.A.T. van, "I've got this."

The captain protests "Hey!" but is cut off by Laser speaking through the bullhorn.

"Attention, inside the building! My name is Dick Laser!" Raising his free hand above his head, and turning completely around as he starts towards the building, he continues, "As you can see, I am completely unarmed! I'd like to come inside, and see if we can resolve this peacefully!"

Panicked, the captain shouts to his men, "Get those people back! Now!"

The uniformed officers herd the crowd back quickly, just in time as automatic gunfire rages from inside, pelting Dick Laser and the area immediately around him. Fortunately, most of the bullets that miss him hit the S.W.A.T. van behind him. The crowd soon disperses from the front of the bank, hiding behind cars, and ducking into nearby buildings.

Unharmed by the bullets, Laser continues towards the bank doors, ripping one open with his free hand, and walking inside. "I'm only here to negotiate!" he declares over the bullhorn.

The answer is more gunfire. When that doesn't stop him, two of the gunmen quickly rush him. Dick doesn't resist as they hurry him inside, out of sight of the police. He gives them the bullhorn. "You can use that to communicate with the S.W.A.T. officers outside."

"Shut up!" growls one of the gunmen, hitting Dick in the stomach with the butt of his machine gun, only to have it crack on the man's abs. "What the hell?"

The second man runs his hand through Dick's hair, looking for any hidden weapons, which Laser tolerates patiently. When the man reaches for his trunks, Laser grabs the man's hand quickly, and spins to face him. "DON'T... touch... the trunks," he says seriously, but he doesn't fight the men. As they reach the bank's main lobby, he can see the hostages lined up in front of the teller counters, and three gunmen positioned behind them. Another takes aim at Dick from the vault, and one from either side of the bank's front windows, behind him.

"Eight men?" asked Dick. "Must be anticipating a big score then?"

"I'll ask the questions here," growls the man with the cracked gun. "What the hell's with the plastic underwear? And why is it glowing?"

Dick looks down at his briefs and the weird red light that pulses across them. "Oh, that," he chuckles. He raises an eyebrow and smirks as he says, "Long story."

"Amuse me," said the gunman. "What are you? One of them freaky Dragon Men?"

Dick shrugs. "That is why I'm bulletproof, but these?" he says, indicating the briefs. "Well, would you believe alien abduction?"

The men and even some of the hostages laugh. "No," says the man nearest him.

"It's true. I was out for an early morning run on the beach when I was beamed up by aliens. They... did things. Yes, probably what you're thinking, and more. They probed, they implanted, they ran tests, and by the time they sent me back, I was packing some cybernetic enhancements. Including one," he says, flicking his eyes downward with raised eyebrows, "that shoots lasers. Trouble is, that doesn't work like they expected, so I couldn't just aim it at will. So they took the swim trunks I was wearing when they captured me, replaced them with these special alien quartz things, and--"

"Whattaya take me for," the gunman interrupted angrily. "You think I've never seen X-Men? Your cyclops shoots lasers, and is hidden behind quartz to keep it from getting out of control? Really?!"

Laser laughs. "Well, no. The quartz material is part of the cybernetic enhancements. It doesn't contain the lasers. It helps me aim. Well, that and the targeting computer linked to the enhancement. I don't call it 'Cyclops' though. I call it 'Prince Albert.' You know, because... well, you get that."

The man with the cracked gun says, "You a wise guy? My name is Albert."

"Oh? You don't say," says Dick. "Al? Eight."

"Targeting," his shorts answer.

"What the hell," gasps Albert as he and the other gunman back away.

Dick Laser doesn't answer. He just puts his hands behind his head, laces his fingers together, closes his eyes, and thrusts his hips. As he gyrates, lasers shoot quickly in different directions, taking down all of the gunmen. Opening his eyes, he throws his arms wide, stomps once, and yells, "Wooo! Way to go, Al!" Grabbing the bullhorn from the floor, he turns towards the door, and shouts, "This is Dick Laser! The gunmen are down, and the hostages are coming out!" Turning to the hostages, he says, "Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll please head for the exit quickly, and keep your hands above your heads, the police will escort you to safety."

The hostages waste no time complying, and soon they're all safely out of the building, and the would-be robbers are rounded up by the police. Dick stands on the bank steps, smiling triumphantly, when the S.W.A.T. captain storms up to him angrily. "You! That was a hell of a stunt you pulled! Wh--"

"Captain! You're welcome," says Dick with a smile.

The captain is caught off guard momentarily at the man's audacity. "Get the hell out of my crime scene," he finally growls angrily.

"Happy to help," says the hero. Then he shouts, "Dick Laser! Awaaaay!" as he leaps into the sky and flies off.

"Seriously?" mutters the captain. "Is there no end to these freaks?"

Channel Seven Newsroom

The camera having swung upward to catch the departure of Dick Laser, it now swings back down to Mike Rofon, again center screen on the newsroom's monitor. "Phillip, Paige, as you just saw, the situation here has been resolved by the intervention of a new hero called, believe it or not, Dick Laser. I'm not sure we could possibly see much more of him, but I'm sure that we will see him again in the future! For now, we're just glad that the situation has been defused, and all of the hostages have been rescued. Back to you."

"Thanks, Mike," says Phillip, turning towards the camera. "Tense afternoon at the Larsen City Bank, now resolved by another Larsen superhero."

"And here's hoping we see more of Dick Laser when the need arises," says Paige with a smile.

"For Channel Seven News, I'm Phillip Thyme."

"And I'm Paige Webb."

"And with Mike Rofon in the field," adds Phillip, "we thank you for tuning in to this breaking news. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming after the following messages. We'll be back at six and eleven with the evening's normal news coverage, as well as any updates to this amazing story. Good day."

"Good day, Larsen," adds Paige.

The camera pulls back from the closeup, the news team's theme music plays, and the Channel Seven News logo appears onscreen. An announcer states, "We now return you to Kohl's Law."

"Oh, Hart! That was amazing!" gushes Anita.

"That was nothing," he says, then pulls Anita into an embrace and a long kiss.

They turn and walk away, each with an arm around the other. Just as their bodies are fully in frame, Anita's voice is heard saying, "I think you might need to lay down the law again," and she reaches down and squeezes Hart's butt. Hart's body stiffens in surprise, the theme music plays, and the show cuts to the credits.

How It Started...

“Freeze!”

The four men dressed for burglary looked up to the voice on the roof. It belonged to a man in a light blue tracksuit, blue domino mask and a cape possibly made from a garbage bag. The angle grinder and acetylene torch were dropped as the quartet pulled out guns.

“Who is this @$$#*le?” asked on as he drew a bead.

“Not @$$#*le,” the man corrected as he unbuckled his pants. “It’s Ice Hole!”

And with that he dropped his pants, turned away, squatted and parted his cheeks. What erupted from his anus was an arctic ice beam that froze the man like a statue. The other three were caught between shock and disgust at the butt beam when Ice Hole fired another blast cementing all their feet to the floor in rock solid ice.

“That should hold you until the pOH SHOOT!” Ice Hole dove for cover as bullets whizzed past him. “Stupid! Freeze the guns AND the feet, Angus! Come on!”

“Get this $#!+ offa me!” yelled one as he tried to chip away at the block with the butt of his gun. “I can’t feel my legs!”

Ice Hole rolled up onto his shoulders, pointed his bum and fired a barrage of ice balls into the air. The projectiles arced up into the air and rained down into the alley on the pinned targets.

“Need a hand?”

Ice Hole saw some feet near him. He followed the black woollen boots up to some chain mail and up to the face of Axilla the Hun!

“That’d be great!” Ice Hole exclaimed as he scrambled to his feet and pulled his pants up. Axilla the Hun thrust his arm out. Ice Hole went to shake it, only to be grabbed on the forearm and drawn in close in a very archaic handshake.

“Strength and honour.” Axilla stated looking deep into Ice Hole’s eyes which made him very uncomfortable.

“Um okay,” Ice Hole nervously replied to the bearded man. Axilla broke the embrace and peered over the edge.

“There are two caught in your frozen...” Axilla paused as he searched for the right word before continuing on with another thought. “I shall take the one on the left, you the one on the right. I shall swing down. You?”

“I can do an ice slide,” Ice Hole said gingerly.

“Attack!” Axilla leapt from the roof, arms raised high. From his armpits shot tendrils of underarm hair that attached to the side of the building that let him swing down. It reminded Ice Hole of those old Earl Flynt movies from the 30’s. Ice Hole dropped his pants and fired a wide beam into a spiral that he slid down. Bullets flew up at them but all went wide of their targets. Axilla landed and grabbed his man by the scruff of the neck and thrust him down as he brought his knee up. The audible sound of cracking teeth and bone made Ice Hole queasy.

“DEREK!” screamed the only standing crook. He pointed his gun at the back of Axilla’s head and fired. Ice Hole farted out a cloud of icy particles that slowed the bullets to a crawl, allowing the haired themed vigilante time to duck away. Axilla glowered at the man and drew his axe.

“No, please, don’t!” yelled the man as he dropped his now empty gun. “I’m sorry!”

Axilla raised the axe high when Ice Hole stepped between them.

“He’s not worth it,” Ice Hole pleaded. “And killing him doesn’t look good...please.”

Axilla snarled. Several tense seconds ticked past before he lowered the axe. “You are a wise man, Ice Hole.”

“Oh thank €^<%!” exhaled the crook. Axilla stepped forward and cracked him in the mouth with the shaft of the axe.

“But they should still pay a price,” Axilla grunted as the man fell into a heap. Ice Hole was taken aback by the violence, he was use to just freezing people and leaving them for the police.

“So...what brings you to Cumbrous City?” Ice Hole asked as he started to walk off, hoping Axilla would follow. The burly man did so and threw an arm over Ice Hole’s shoulders.

“I would like you to join my army,” Axilla said. “I could use someone like you.”

“Army?”

“Team, squad, group; these all sounded to plain and not the feel I wanted,” Axilla explained. “Army sounds impressive, also means there is more than five.”

Ice Hole listened to the man with the prehensile underarm hair as he outlaid his idea. It sounded pretty good.

“So who else is on the...in the army?” Ice Hole corrected himself over the mishmashing of grammar.

Axilla ran a hand through his beard. “Myself, you...Tiger Foot...some guy called Richard who can shoot lasers out of his...”

Ice Hole watched Axilla crotch chop himself and crinkled up his face. “Four isn’t an army.”

“It’s a start!” Axilla declared boldly. “Soon Captain Thunderous will be begging to join up. Look, come to Washington this weekend...meet the army, see what we have, then make a decision.”

Ice Hole went to make an excuse when Axilla pulled an envelope out of one of his leather pouches. “This Ice Hole is your invitation to my army.”

Ice Hole gingerly took the envelope and then suddenly again found himself in a weird elbow deep hand shake. Axilla looked him deep in the eyes. “Strength and honour, brother.”

-

Angus Mottob arrived at the Hi-Eight Palms in Washington. Angus didn’t like his real identity, but it wasn’t practical being Ice Hole all the time. He often pondered changing his name, even got the forms, but his dementia ridden mother’s voice always echoed in his subconscious “Angus, you’re the last Mottob, the last of the line. The last one.”

“Hello sir, welcome to the Hi-Eight Palms!” The concierge welcomed him over. Angus smirked at his name badge: Chad.

“Oh hi, I’m here for...”

“The convention,” Chad enthusiastically interrupted taking the envelope from Angus. “The whole hotel is booked out for it.”

“Really?” Angus looked around and noticed that the lobby did seem rather empty and quiet. “The whole hotel?”

“Once all the guests have arrived the whole hotel is yours until Sunday at three pm,” Chad held up the invite that Angus hadn’t really read. “We here at the Hi-Eight Palms are very discreet and professional, Mr Mottob. Could you please place your finger on the pad?”

Angus put his index finger on the streaky glass plate on the counter. A green light scanned it back and forth before a beige credit card popped up from beside the plate.

“This is your code key, Mr Mottob,” Chad explained. “It will give you access to all areas of the hotel during your duration. Just hold them up to the sensors, you’ll find them at hip height at most doors and elevators. You are on the seventeenth floor in the Denis Leary Suite. Kyle will take you and your bags up when you’re ready.”

Angus flicked the card around his fingers and looked blankly at Chad. A wave of panic washed over him and he pulled out his wallet and passed over a five dollar note. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you sir,” Chad replied in a tone that Angus couldn’t tell if it was sincere or sarcastic. Kyle, the very dark skinned man who didn’t suit the name, easily lifted Angus’ single suitcase up and trudged to the lifts. Angus followed along.

“Are you presenting at the convention?” Kyle asked as they waited for the lift.

“Just a guest,” Angus said as he berated himself for not really reading Axilla’s invite. “Are there many people attending?”

“Oh yes,” Kyle held the lift door open. They got in and began the ride up. Angus felt awkward in the small space. He didn’t want to appear rude by not talking but he didn’t particularly want to talk because it would be meaningless and forced.

“Worked here long?” Angus inquired.

“About six months sir.”

“Good...good,” Angus watched the numbers seemingly took forever to change from one floor to the next. He was also nervous because his Ice Hole costume was in the case Kyle held. Eventually the doors opened and Kyle led Angus down to the Denis Leary Suite.

“Your card sir,” Kyle held his hand out. Angus guffawed awkwardly before passing it over. Kyle let them into the spacious room; it was bigger than Angus’ apartment!

“Wow!”

“The Leary Suite is pretty impressive, sir. Now to operate the television you just need to push and hold the blue button on the remote.” Kyle said as he placed the bag down and headed towards the door, pausing slightly next to Angus.

“Oh yeah, um...” Angus opened his wallet and all he had was a fifty. He gritted his teeth before fishing out the loose change from his pocket and giving it to Kyle. “Sorry, thank you.”

Kyle smiled politely and left leaving Angus alone in the spacious room. On the table was a gift basket of movie star proportions.

“Dear Ice Hole,” Angus read the card aloud. “Thank you for coming along. Be in the function room by 7pm tonight in costume. Enjoy the gift basket.”

-

Ice Hole tentatively opened the door to the Sam Kinison Memorial function room and was taken aback. There were about two hundred people in costumes milling about in groups. He recognised several but a lot were completely foreign to him. He looked around for Axilla the Hun but he was nowhere to be seen.

“Ice Hole?”

He turned to see a woman wearing a patriotically themed grid iron uniform.

“Touchdown? What are you doing here?”

“I got invited,” she replied as she air kissed his cheek. “This is crazy, huh?”

“I’ve never seen so many of us in the one place at the one time,” Ice Hole whistled. “I honestly thought this army idea of Axilla was going to be a failure.”

“Axilla? Axilla the Hun?” Touchdown questioned. “The hairy axe wielding maniac invited you?”

“He put this on!” Ice Hole said. “He came out to Cumberous and personally invited me.”

Touchdown shrugged. “I got invited by Lightning Cop. Whole spiel about they’re making a force, like a police force, and wanted me on board.”

“Something’s not right,” Ice Hole said as the lights went down and spotlights plinked on, illuminating a lectern at the front of the room. The costumed chorus all shuffled unconsciously forward. Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’ started playing which made several clap their hands in time. Then hovering in was Captain Thunderous in all his glory. He looked like a male model, had the body of a carved marble statue and had powers most people would envy. He smiled and landed.

“Thank you all for coming. I am Captain Thunderous.”

The room broke into applause. Ice Hole grabbed Touchdown by the arm. “This isn’t right. It feels like a trap or something.”

“I don’t thi...”

“Let’s just leave and if it’s just my overactive brain, we can come back in.” Ice Hole pleaded. “I don’t know what it is, but this all feels...”

“Too good to be true,” Touchdown added as she headed for the exit, her hand firmly around Ice Hole’s elbow. They got outside and out to the street and looked back…and nothing happened. Touchdown and Ice Hole looked at each other, each feeling a little silly.

“I was expecting an explosion…or something,” Ice Hole said dejectedly. “Now it seems like I’m paranoid.”

“Could be worse,” Touchdown replied. “Whole building could be sucked into a black ho…”

A roar shook the city as if a hurricane and an earthquake had a baby. Erupting some three blocks away was a giant corn chip monstrosity.

“QUESADILLAZILLA!” they screamed in unison as the big cheesy villain began rampaging the city spewing molten cheese and flinging razor sharp corn chips. Ice Hole and Touchdown were slightly paralysed with fear when Captain Thunderous exploded out of a window and flew towards the beast.

“Well. We can go home,” Touchdown moaned. “Big guy will…”

The blow was deafening as Quesadillazilla smacked the flying man away like a gnat. He rocketed back towards them and ploughed into the ground. Ice Hole and Touchdown ran to the fallen hero.

“Captain!” Ice Hole yelled as he surveyed the damage. It didn’t look good. Thunderous’ head was at an unfortunate angle, blood seeped from his ears.

“Oh god!” Touchdown gagged.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” Thunderous whispered through his busted teeth.

“It’s okay, it’s going to be all okay,” Ice Hole reassured him. “Help is…”

“I’m sorry,” Thunderous looked Ice Hole in the eye. “This is my fault…”

“Ssh, save your strength, we’ll get…”

“I wanted Quesadillazilla to kill you all…” Thunderous gasped. “So tired…of you lame ass nobodies ruining the hero game.”

“What?” Ice Hole was stunned at the revelation.

“I got you all together…to get that Mexican monster to deal with you all and then I’d deal with him…” Thunderous spat as his body convulsed. “Seems I…”

Ice Hole watched the countries premiere hero pass away before his eyes. He looked up and saw the convention spilling out towards him.

“What do we do?” Touchdown asked nervously.

“We prove him wrong,” Ice Hole said as he unbuckled his pants. “AWKWARD’S ATTACK!”

And with Ice Hole leading the charge, an army of oddly powered super heroes took on a massive Mexican meal monster in a battle that cemented all of their names into history.