“What do you think, Gary?” Dimiedo City Senior Detective Joey Natalino asked the dwarf looking at the hovering outline in the alleyway.
“Looks like someone killed a ghost,” Gary replied as he pulled out some cigarettes. Natalino put his hand on Joey’s and ushered them back to his pocket.
“It’s a crime scene, Gary!”
Gary shrugged. “You never call me for a break and enter or an arson job, do you Joey? It’s always can you track a werewolf, or someone got turned into a newt.”
“You’re the medium detective.”
Gary looked at his friend. “It’s DETECTIVE. MEDIUM!”
“Not what your cards say,” Natalino flicked one to him. “Orders round the wrong way.”
Gary exhaled in frustration. His nice neat business cards of which he’d gotten 10,000 read in black on alabaster: Gary Fish. Medium Detective. 555-837-4432. “Stupid %^$#! At least the numbers right.”
“Any ideas?”
“Yeah, never use Daisy Wong’s Print Store on 7th!” Gary tore the card into pieces.
“I meant th…”
“I know what you meant, Joey!” Gary snapped. “Give me a moment.”
“Oh, look it’s Sneezy!”
Gary turned to see Detective Ari Vysokovic walking their way. He hated Gary and Gary felt the same.
“Is this a crime scene Joey or a circus?” Ari asked Natalino.
“Circus. Clown just arrived.” Gary snipped.
“Okay you too, ENOUGH! Every damn time. Ari, he’s helping us with th…”
“The mumbo jumbo BS, I get it!” Ari replied. “But he isn’t a cop, so he can stand behind the line until us proper cops do our job.”
“Proper cops? Where?” Gary mimicked looking about.
Ari crouched down to Gary’s eye level. “Off you go, Oompla Loompa.”
“How about I kick you in the Violet Beauregard’s?”
Ari got back up, using Gary’s head to help ruffling his hair like a child. Gary grabbed Ari’s pinkie and twisted it backwards. Natalino stepped in to break them up.
“ENOUGH! There are reporters about and you two want to get into a whose is bigger contest! Gary; behind the line! Ari; do your job!” Natalino eyeballed them both, a righteous fury and gravitas sat in his gaze. Ari shrugged off his commanding officer and went to the body as Gary headed for the yellow tape. Gary pulled out a cigarette and then whirled on his heels.
“Hey Vysokovic!” Gary waited until he had most everyone’s attention. “Your sister says hi!”
Gary knew it was a low blow but screw that guy! Ari’s face went from resting to angry to volcanic angry as he unholstered his gun. Senior Detective Natalino grabbed his hands and forcibly lowered the weapon.
“You’re on report!” Joey spat under his breath into Ari’s ear. “Walk away!”
Gary watched smiling from the sidelines before walking off.
_
“You didn’t?” Oscar Craddock spun a coin along his knuckles. It was a slow night in Craddock’s Paddock, so he amused himself with learning tricks. Gary nodded as he crunched the ice of his tequila soda. “I thought you only used your powers for good?”
“I’m not a superhero!” Gary scoffed as he drained the glass.
Oscar flipped the coin into his top pocket then poured Gary another drink. “Still. Telling a guy his recently suicided sister said hello, a girl you dated once, AND you’re a medium is kinda…”
“What?” Gary laughed. “He’s a dog!”
“I was going to say funny, but you like flapping your gums. For half a man you make twice the noise,” Oscar smiled and swept Gary’s remaining money off the bar as the dwarf gave him a one fingered salute.
“You should take that routine on the road…preferably the interstate in peak hour!” Gary retorted as he looked around the bar. As per usual it was just the three of them; Oscar, himself and Irving Welles the former mayor who’d turned into a professional alcoholic. “Maybe you could set fire to this place, then you’d have at least twenty guys in here.”
“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Oscar jeered as he balanced the coin on his knuckles again. “Did you see t…”
The door opened to the bar and in strode a man
“Evening!” Oscar smiled. “What’s your poison?”
“Vysokovic!” Gary muttered as he recognised him.
Ari held up a bandaged hand with his police badge. “Has anyone seen a short little maggot by the name of Gary %^$# Fish? Smells of &^%#!”
“What did you do to your hand, Ari?” Gary asked as he slid off the barstool. “Punching whores?”
“You think you’re so good!” Ari yelled. It became apparent that he’d filled most of his body with alcohol. “You’re just *&#@!^&!”
“Call the cops Oscar,” Gary muttered as he walked forward. “Hey Ari, lets go out into the street so I can knock those teeth of yours out?”
Ari fixed his blurry eyes on the little detective. “You won’t be laughing soon!”
Gary saw the blood trickling down Ari’s wrist. “What did you do Ari?”
The policeman swooned and ripped the bandage off. Carved into his palm was a jagged design; fresh and bloody.
“Ghaddar!” Gary gasped. “Ari…Ari…tell me what you did!”
“You’re going to get it you runt!” Vysokovic began to tremble. Gary recognised the blood magic and ran to the back of the bar. “Irving! Oscar! Get out!”
Ari roared a sound that was seemingly impossible then he exploded in a shower of blood and flesh chunks. Standing in his place was a Ghaddar; a summonable demon used for singular purposes but with great expense to the summoner.
“GARY FISH SHALL DIE!” it roared as leathery wings unfurled from its horned back.
“Gary?” Oscar whimpered.
“GET OUT YOU JUGGLING %&^%$#@!” Gary yelled as he threw a barstool at the monster. “It’s after me, so run!”
The Ghaddar smacked the stool away with its taloned claw and lurched forward on its cloven hooves. Gary ran behind the bar and clipped Oscar over the ears.
“I said run!”
Oscar scrambled away as the Ghaddar ripped a gouging hole out of the bar. Gary opened compartments, searching for something as the demonic beast came closer.
“Picked the wrong place,” Gary smiled as he grabbed a bag of salt and threw it up into the air. “Think quick!”
The Ghaddar smashed the bag making it explode all over him. The beast roared as the salt coated him.
“Thing about you Ghaddar is that you’re dumb as! And salt is one of your weaknesses. It won’t kill you but it sure as hell make you squirm.” Gary said as he grabbed a wooden bat from under the bar. “Your other weakness is silver oak!”
Gary smashed the bat into the beasts’ shin and then down onto its hoof. The demon roared in pain at the assault, but the angry midget wasn’t relenting. “I found this all out the hard way! You’re not the first Ghaddar someone’s ever set on me!”
The Ghaddar lashed out but Gary with his extremely low centre of gravity was like a super charged ferret. Several short sharp blows had the Ghaddar reeling.
“Had enough?” Gary yelled swinging the bat. “Coz remember if you die here on Earth, its permanent.”
“GARY FISH SHALL DIE!” The Ghaddar spat fire from its mouth coating the room in flames. Fire licked the room when as quick as the fire started, it was extinguished with black retardant from the roof.
“See back in the old days, you guys were scary. But with modern firefighting equipment and compulsory safety, you’re really more annoying than a threat!” Gary laughed then pulled a handful of white pegs from his pocket.
“See these? They’re hydra teeth. Know what they do?”
The Ghaddar paused unsure of what to do, watching Gary’s little hand carefully. The dwarf tossed them onto the ground, the Ghaddar shrunk back as Gary ran forward and smashed the bat into the groinal region.
“They’re tic tacs idiot!”
The Ghaddar roared and suddenly exploded into a ball of fire leaving Ari Vysokovic lying on the floor. He looked like he’d been through a shredder. Ari coughed and shivered like a newborn. Irving Welles came and stood beside Gary looking down on the policeman, black goo floated in Irving’s drink.
“Did he do this?” Irving asked staring at his drink.
“Yup. Summoned a demon to…oh you’ve walked off.” Gary crouched down to Ari. “You’re an idiot on every level, Ari.”
“H-h-hate you..”
“Well I hope that’ll keep you happy when you’re being violated in Myers Island.” Gary smiled. Suddenly there was a scream and a barstool came down on Ari’s head crunching his skull. Again, and again before Gary could stop the hysterical Irving.
“Irving!”
“HE RUINED MY DRINK!” Irving cried before throwing the stool away. “BASTARD!”
Gary looked at the bloody carcass, the mess across the bar and the crying alcoholic. He rolled his eyes and went back to the bar and took a whole bottle of tequila.
“I hate this place!” Gary declared as he drank deeply. In the distance sirens were approaching which made him smile. Seemed his joke about filling the place with firemen was going to come true.
(Gary Fish, Ari Vysokovic, Dimiedo City, Senior Detective Joey Natalino, Craddock's Paddock, Ghaddar, Myers Island, Irving Welles, Oscar Craddock are all owned by me as they are my creations.)
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