Ladies and gentlemen, I, Samimista, under the direction of our most high and totally not intimidating Captain, have gathered you all here today to witness BumpyBoo and CapFanboy's--SHUT UP @The_Deathstroker, SIT DOWN--*ahem* BumpyBoo and our glorious Captain's wedding. A wedding that not even Cap thought would ever happen, but it seems his dreams came true with a lot of booze and
harassment persuasion...of the entirely adult variety.
Before we begin, I would like to take a brief moment to welcome those watching at home, who were not privileged enough to be at the ceremony. That's you Cap worshippers without accounts. I know you exist. Here in the hall, serving as the Captain's best man is one @avenging_x_bolt, who seems too drunk to talk to. We're just going to skip past him-- oh my god, what is he doing? Is that...@wildvine? Why are they-- eww. Eww. We'll just carry on...
Giving BumpyBoo away is her beautiful friend Wildvine whom Pamela Isley was based on according to DC Comics, who unfortunately aren't in attendance today, something to do with consoling a sobbing Power Girl and equally upset Joseph Gordon Levitt looking Nightwing. Wildvine wishes BumpyBoo and CapFanboy the best of luck, but she knows how CapFanboy gets around with sheep and hobos...which is to say not at all, because it's Bump dammit. It's all Bump.
BumpyBoo: Cap, when we first met, I was a nobody. Just a random drunk on the internet with a hobo fixation and a weird obsession with farm animals. But you took a chance on me. You came into my life, a handsome stranger with the most beautiful hair I have ever seen, and you taught me how to love.
I know it hasn't always been easy. A lot of goats have died, wars have been fought, and a lot of questionable photos have been taken. We've even broken some hearts along the way. But you are the most awesomely godlike man I know, and it is an honour that you would want to marry me. You knocking me up and stealing me from my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of you and helping to smite your enemies with the red hot fury that only a loving wife can muster.
CapFanboy: Suck it, Australia!
Meanwhile....in the coat room, a rebuffed X-Bolt attempts to find one of the many flasks that Cap has hidden throughout the hall. Unfortunately, what X-Bolt doesn't know, and hopefully will never know, is that just beyond his sight is the object of his desire with a very unscrupulous character, and it is with these words that we invite @pyrogram into the ceremony. It is truly heartbreaking, but at least he won't-- NO! DON'T TURN AROUND!--
Back in the main hall...
Samimista: CapFanboy, in brightest day, in blackest night, will you let BumpyBoo's booty escape your sight? Or do you promise to wear a mankini for her and never make fun of a hobo again?
CapFanboy: I do consent to be at her heel for eternity.
Samimista: BumpyBoo, the love of my life, the one who got away, do you wish to runaway before it's too late? Or do you promise to lock CapFanboy in your dungeon and feed him soggy waffles?
I do, and will spare him the banhammer forever.
Samimista: Then I do pronounce you woman and boyto--
A loud, girlish...yet somehow husky scream pierces the air. Our guests turn around swiftly, only to be met with the sight of a distraught x-bolt....who seems to be carrying a tub of yoghurt, and is closely followed by the second dirtiest duo in the room (after Hal Jordan and whatever child he's with this time).
BumpyBoo: Wildvine: Pyrogram?! I thought you were...
As it dawns on all the guests just who they are missing from this lavish ceremony, the double doors swing open, revealing a very angry and dangerous figure. Looking around the room, her eyes met with the newly wed couple, and all three, Bump, Cap and @raiiyn uttered one word perfectly in sync.
Also, you were all there too...I guess. I mean, you paid for the chicken didn't you?