Batman vs. Deadpool #4

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Batman, The Joker, and all related characters are the property of Time Warner and DC Comics. I do not own any of them.

Deadpool is the property of the Walt Disney Company and Marvel Comics. I do not own him.

Although the characters aren’t mine, the story that you are about to read is of my creation.

Batman vs. Deadpool #4: The Final Chapter

Rated M

By: George Gordy

Batman heads to the Ice Lounge to look for The Penguin. Upon arrival, he is attacked by some of Penguin’s thugs. Armed with baseball bats, Batman easily pummels the thugs before going upstairs to confront the Penguin.

“Batman” Penguin says, “What a pleasant surprise!”

“Joker, Deadpool” Batman yells, “What’s your business with them?”

“Well my business is just that” Penguin says, “Mine. So unless you want to die you best get out of here!”

The Penguin pulls out his umbrella and fires a smoke bomb at Batman before floating up into the air, and escaping through a nearby window. Batman gives chase and follows Penguin to the roof.

“You better tell me what your business is with them Penguin” Batman says.

“Well if you must know” Penguin says, “We plan on takin’ over this town and you ain’t gonna stop us!”

Penguin aims his umbrella at Batman again, this time using live bullets, and fires at him. Batman somersaults out of the way and kicks the Penguin in the face, knocking him out. The Penguin falls to the floor, and Batman grabs him and ties him up. He calls Commissioner Gordon on his communicator.

“Hey Jim” Batman says, “I’ve caught the Penguin. He’s on the roof of his nightclub.”

“Roger that” Gordon replies, “We’re on our way down there.”

Batman then rappels down from the building, jumps on his bike, and rides to the cemetery; where he becomes exposed to Scarecrow’s fear gas. He begins coughing and tries to cover his nose and mouth, but the noxious fumes have already entered his body. Suddenly he begins seeing visions of hooded men with scythes surrounding him. Batman continues to walk through the cemetery, trying to remind himself that the men were mere hallucinations. Suddenly the visions disappear, as he continues to walk through the cemetery, and are replaced with visions of his greatest failures and tragedies.

He sees the Joker beating Jason Todd, the second person to take up the mantle of Robin, half to death with a crowbar.

He sees Harvey Dent, Gotham’s former district attorney and the man who would become Two-Face, getting acid splashed on his face by a mafia thug.

He sees the Joker and Deadpool pointing at him and laughing.

He sees Barbara Gordon getting shot in the back by the Joker.

Finally, there is an image of him as a boy walking out of a theater with his parents when suddenly; a man approaches them with a gun, demanding that they hand over their belongings, before gunning them down in cold blood. This was the night Bruce Wayne’s parents were murdered. Overwhelmed by it all, he collapses and falls into unconsciousness. About ten minutes later he wakes up.

“No” he says to himself, “I… won’t… let any more people die. I can’t let any more people die!”

He gets up and pursues the Scarecrow in spite of all the hallucinations and visions. Finally, he sees a giant man wearing a straw hat giving his goons orders; it was Scarecrow!

“Alright men” Scarecrow says, “Begin drilling!”

Batman throws an electrified batarang at the machine, causing the machine to shortcircuit before the men could begin drilling.

“Darn you Batman!” Scarecrow says in frustration.

The effects of the gas made Scarecrow’s voice deeper and more intimidating to Batman, it also made him appear large.

“This ends now.” Batman says.

“It has only just begun” Scarecrow replies, “Men, seize him!”

Scarecrow’s men encircle Batman. Standing completely still, Batman waits for the men to come close to him. One of the men grabs Batman’s shoulder, Batman elbows him in the face; another man charges at Batman with a metal bar, the man swings, Batman dodges, disarms him, puts him in a chokehold and slams him to the ground. The third man throws a punch at Batman; Batman just grabs his arm, twists it, kicks him in the back of the head, and knocks him out.

Standing behind Scarecrow, was the machine pumping the fear gas into the air; it was a security system of sorts to prevent intruders from interfering in the madman’s assignment.

“Scarecrow” Batman says, “I know what you, Joker, and Deadpool are planning. Did you really think I wasn’t going to put an end to this?”

“No” Scarecrow says, “Rather I will put an end to you!”

Scarecrow charges at Batman and the two begin fighting. Batman trips Scarecrow and punches him in the face, knocking him out. Afterwards, he looks at the machine pumping the fear gas into the air. He approaches the machine, but the hallucinations become stronger as he gets closer to the machine; so he tosses an explosive batarang at it, causing it to explode. He pulls the antidote for Scarecrow’s toxin from his utility belt, and injects it into his arm; causing the hallucinations to cease. Afterwards he calls James Gordon:

“Batman” Gordon says, “Boy is it great to hear you.”

“How’s it going Jim?” Batman asks.

“Great” Gordon replies, “We’ve rounded up most of the inmates, and all that’s left is the Joker and the mercenary.”

“Sounds good” Batman says, “I have the Scarecrow, he was trying to pump fear gas into the water supply through the cemetery. From what the Joker told me, this was their main plan and it’s good that I stopped him when I did.”

He continues by saying “Just need to head to Amusement Mile and put an end to this mess.”

“Ok” Gordon replies, “We’re heading down to the cemetery now to arrest Scarecrow.”

“Got it” Batman says before abruptly hanging up.

He walks out of the Cemetery, picks up his bike and begins riding towards Amusement Mile. The route takes him to on an expressway where he sees a flatbed truck. Driving the truck is a man wearing a clown-like mask, signifying he is a member of the Joker’s gang; in the passenger seat is Deadpool.

“Hurry driver” Deadpool says in a dignified accent, “Amusement Mile awaits us!”

At their side was Batman on his bike, looking at them.

“It’s the Bat!” The driver says.

“Well what are you telling me for” Deadpool says, “Speed up! DC’s random henchmen are such idiots!”

As the truck speeds up Batman gets behind the truck and speeds up as well, trying to stay within their reach. Deadpool leans out of the window, pulls out one of his pistols, and fires two shots at Batman, before running out of bullets.

“S--t I’m out of bullets” Deadpool says, “Hey Random Henchman, wait here. I’m gonna go have a conversation with Adam West out there. Just keep driving towards Amusement mile, got it?”

The driver nods his head.

He climbs out of the door, stands on the flatbed truck, and begins talking to Batman.

“Hey Batman” Deadpool says, “So are you gonna let me kill you now or what?”

Batman jumps off of his bike and onto the flatbed truck. Batman attempts to reason with Deadpool.

“The Joker is a monster” Batman says, “When you’re no longer of any use to him he’ll just kill you.”

“Me and Joker are like BFFs!” Deadpool says, “He likes blood and bodies, I like blood and bodies; he’s overexposed, I’m like kinda overexposed; he likes chimic--, well he doesn’t like chimichangas, but we can work something out.”

“I guess you can’t be reasoned with then, right?” Batman asks.

“Guess not” Deadpool replies.

“Then let’s end this” Batman says.

The two square up, Batman punches Deadpool and sends him flying to the floor. Deadpool gets back up and begins talking again.

“Geez” Deadpool says, “If it makes you feel any better I really hated those Joel Schumacher movies. I mean come on, ‘Hey everybody, chill…’ Even you have to admit they were terrible—“

“Stop talking!” Batman says before throwing another punch at him, before he disappears.

“Not this again.” Batman says.

“Hey” Deadpool says, “Right behind you!”

Deadpool kicks Batman off of the flatbed and sends him rolling down the hill below. Leaving Batman for dead, Deadpool and the driver continue to Amusement Mile to link up with Joker and Harley.

As soon as he gets to Amusement Mile, he sees the Joker in the fun house where the mayor was being held and tells him that Batman is dead.

“Yo Joker” Deadpool says, “Batman’s dead.”

“HAHAHAHA” Joker laughs before his face turns to a serious expression, “Wait you’re joking right? Is Batman really dead?”

“Yep” Deadpool replies, “That’ll be $1000”

“What?” Joker asks.

“I mean we’re BFFs and all” Deadpool says, “But did you really expect me to break a bunch of crazies out of jail, tear up a city, kill a bunch of people, and rack up billions of dollars in property damage for free?”

“Ah, yes of course” Joker replies, “I completely forgot you were a mercenary! We’ve become such good friends though! I mean we tell jokes, we laugh, we cry, we kill people. I mean you even killed Batman for me!”

“That’s just the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me…” Joker says as tears of joy roll down his face.

“Yea, we’re still cool” Deadpool replies, “But I kind of need to get back to the Marvel Universe and there’s like a s--tload of toll booths. Plus the fact that I’m a mercenary, meaning I blow stuff up and kill people for money.”

“Guess you’re right” Joker replies, “Alright I’ll pay you. Hold on, let me just look for it in my toy chest.”

“Nope that’s not it” the Joker says as he continues to search through the chest, “Ahh here it is…”

BOOM! The Joker pulled out a rocket launcher and blasted Deadpool with it, sending him flying out of the window and to the fairground below.

“Now there’s no way he’s healing from that!” Joker says, “Get rid of him, he wasn’t funny anymore. HAHAHAHA!”

The Joker’s men grab Deadpool’s splattered and broken body, and throw it in a ditch up the road from Amusement Mile.

“Pudd’n?” Harley asks.

“Yes Harley?” Joker replies.

“Why did you have to kill Deadpool?” Harley asks, “He was such a nice guy.”

“Now what did I tell you about questioning me Harley?” Joker replies.

“Sorry Mr. J” Harley replies.

“Now go get the mayor ready” Joker says.

Meanwhile, Batman wakes up from unconsciousness and takes a look at the rising sun; realizing that the Joker and Deadpool were still at large and that he needed to stop them.

“There isn’t any time” Batman says to himself, “It’s almost daybreak.”

Batman pulls himself up, as pain shoots all throughout his body. He pulls his communicator from his utility belt and calls Alfred.

“Alfred” Batman says, “I need you to send the Batmobile to my location. I’ve got to get Amusement Mile; I’ll text you my coordinates.”

“Batmobile is on its way sir” Alfred replies.

About twenty minutes later, the Batmobile pulls up on the highway where Batman is. Batman gets in, sets the GPS for Amusement Mile, and begins driving until he sees what appears to be Deadpool’s torso. He approaches the body out of curiosity.

“Hey Batman” Deadpool says as he lies on the floor with no limbs, “You mind givin’ me a hand, and my other hand, and my legs?”

“Deadpool” Batman says, “What happened?”

“The Joker tried to kill me” Deadpool says, “…And here I thought he was my BFF.”

“I warned you” Batman says.

“Probably should’ve listened” Deadpool replies, “So, uh, you mind getting my arms and legs for me?”

Batman finds all of Deadpool’s limbs and helps him reattach them.

“I’ll need your help stopping Joker” Batman says, “That place is flooded with his thugs. I may not be able to go in alone.”

“Yea sure” Deadpool says, “I’ll help you. That clown tried to kill me, and he didn’t even pay me. Now it’s personal.”

“We should probably get going then.” Batman says.

They both walk towards the Batmobile and Batman unlocks it

“So” Deadpool says, “…um…can I like drive the Batmobile?”

“No” Batman replies.

They both drive all the way down to Amusement Mile, where they meet about fifty of Joker’s thugs. As the thugs encircle them, Deadpool pulls out his katanas and Batman puts up his fists.

Deadpool unleashes his cold steel upon the thugs, cutting them down one by one; while Batman pummels man after man. As bodies litter the fairgrounds, Batman and Deadpool come up with a plan to infiltrate the Joker’s lair.

“We’ll have to split up” Batman says.

“I’ll go after Joker, and you go after Harley” Deadpool says, “You come in after you’re done with Harley and save the mayor.”

“Good idea” Batman says.

They both rush into the Fun House and go their separate ways. Deadpool goes upstairs to confront the Joker, and Batman keeps going straight to find Harley. After beating up some of Joker’s thugs, he sees Harley Quinn holding a hammer.

“I’m giving you one last chance to surrender Harley” Batman says.

“Sorry Batbreath” Harley says, “Mr. J says-I-have-to-kill-you!”

Harley charges at him with her hammer, as Batman darts and dodges out of the way. Finally, Batman simply trips her and she falls down; afterwards he ties her up.

“Wait here” Batman tells her.

When he leaves the room, he sees the corpses of Joker’s thugs littered all over the place.

“Deadpool” Batman says to himself.

He runs upstairs where he sees Deadpool with a gun to a kneeling Joker’s head, and the mayor sitting in a cage with tape around his mouth:

“Batman” the Mayor says, “You’ve got to get me out of here!”

“HEEHEEHEE” Joker laughs, “Bout time you showed up Bats! Uh… Little help here!”

“Put the gun down Deadpool” Batman says.

“Stay out of this Val Kilmer” Deadpool says, “The clown dies. No one crosses Deadpool.”

“Think about what you’re doing” Batman says, “If you kill him you’re no better than he is.”

There is a short silence.

“Guess you’re right” Deadpool says, “But then again… Who said I was?”

“No!” Batman yells.

Deadpool pulls the trigger and puts a bullet in the Joker’s head.

“Oh my gosh!” The mayor says in shock.

“HA…HA… [Cough]…HA” Joker laughs and coughs as blood streaks down his pale face. He stops laughing and collapses into a pool of blood, and with a creepy smile on his face.

Batman’s initial expression of shock turns back to a straight and emotionless face. Deep down he is satisfied: His greatest nightmare, a man who terrorized thousands, if not millions finally met his destined fate; denied of the same mercy he denied to so many people. He approaches the cage where the mayor was being held, picks the lock, and frees him.

“Thank you Batman” the Mayor says, “Thank you too mercenary.” Afterwards, he runs out of the room and calls Gordon and his men.

“What’s done is done” Batman says.

“You know” Deadpool says, “I learned something today.”

“What?” Batman asks.

“Never trust clowns” Deadpool replies, “They’re evil! They’re the spawn of Satan!”

Batman, finding humor in what Deadpool had just said, cracks a smile. Deadpool searches through the Joker’s toy chest and finds $2000 in cash.

“Little bastard was holding out on me” Deadpool says.

Deadpool pulls out a knapsack he had hidden in his belt, and stuffs all of the money in it.

“Well, it’s been nice meeting ‘ya Batman!” Deadpool says.

“We never finished our fight” Batman says, “You’ll have to return some other time.”

“What” Deadpool says, “Ask the reader, I totally kicked your ass!”

“Sure you did” Batman says.

“I guess we’ll have to find out whenever that Gordy guy gets bored and decides to write us another crossover” Deadpool says, “Which probably isn’t likely.”

Police sirens begin flaring outside, it’s Gordon and his men.

“You should probably leave.” Batman says.

“Good idea” Deadpool says, pressing the button on his teleportation device and disappearing in thin air.

Batman picks up the Joker’s body and walks out of the Fun House. As police officers arrest Harley Quinn, she begins crying:

“Pudd’n” She says as tears roll down her face and she is being thrown into a paddy wagon, “They killed my Pudd’n!”

“What happened?” Gordon asks.

“Deadpool shot him” Batman replies.

“Why?” Gordon asks.

“Joker didn’t pay him” Batman says, “He tried to kill him when he asked for the money.”

“Wow” Gordon says, “Well as long as this mess is over, I don’t care.”

“I couldn’t agree more” Batman says.

“Well I guess I’ll see you later then?” Gordon says before he turns around, Batman had mysteriously disappeared

Batman drives back to the Batcave, where he meets Alfred.

“Master Bruce” Alfred says, “Did everything go well?”

“Joker’s dead” Batman says before turning around and noticing the Batwing was missing, “What happened to the Batwing?”

“There was nothing I could do sir” Alfred says.

“What” Batman says before walk over to where his plane once was, he sees a note:

“HEY BATMAN,

I DIDN’T HAVE A RIDE HOME SO I STOLE THE BATWING, HOPE UR NOT MAD.

LOVE,

-DP

P.S. I LOVE CHIMCHANGAS!

P.S.S. AND BACON, BACON IS GOOD.”

The humor of the situation put a smile on Batman’s face and he just let it go.

“Doesn’t matter” Batman says.

Deadpool is flying out of Gotham in the Batwing, while singing to himself:

“♪ Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, Deadpool stole the B-a-at-wing, and the Joker got a bullet in his head, BANG! ♪”

The End

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#3  Edited By cbishop
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#5  Edited By Gordyman

Just one person?