Arsehole - Tale of The Immortal Man

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Ellis_Kord

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I wake up in a pool of vomit and sweat...look down, dust myself off and wouldn’t you know it? I’m wearing women’s panties, the pink and frilly variety no less. Up top, a Saint Patricks day t-shirt...

Its November.

Also I’m in the middle of Central Park in broad day light.

Well, shit.

Gotta figure out how long I was out.

I stand up, knees weak and wobbly. Eyes still adjusting to the sun. As I catch myself from slipping in the pool of my own sh_t, an Irish cop with a military buzz cut starts looking me up and down. You know the type, real douchebag, the type that go’s home at night, watches Schwarzenegger movies and beats off.

He’s been standing over me the whole time.

“Ain’t you Ellis Kord? That rock n roll singer?”

“Whats it to ya?”

“Your band, The Children of Darkness. My son loves them.”

“Uh thanks.”

“You know, your eyes look awful red, son. You been drinking last night?”

Before I finish this story, theres something you should probably know, often times I’ll say things without thinking of the consequences...at least thats what my ex wife tells me.

“Officer, your eyes look glazed. You been eating doughnuts?”

See, I told you.

“Wise guy huh?”

The cop pulls his radio out. “Drunk and disorderly, need back up. He’s got a gun”

“Like hell I do.”

The radio buzzes back. “Sending all units.”

Tall, pale and freckly draws his gun.

I look down, shit I do have a gun. Stuffed in the panties no less.

“Listen, Rusty, we can work this out”

“Don’t move a_shole”

Only one way out...

I reach for my gun knowing full well what Rusty’s gonna do...

Rusty’s itchy trigger finger blasts out seven bullets to my chest. Each bullet hurts alittle more than the last. By the fourth I’m really feeling it...blood spurts like a geyser, like some sh_t out of a movie.

“Suspect down! He reached for his gun! I repeat suspect down!”

That’s the last thing I hear as I fade out...

Hell. Six Minutes Later.

The smell of brimstone.

Flesh searing.

People in agony.

The worst place on earth.

I’m either in the rural south or hell. Judging by the 20 ft demon standing over me and a severe lack of banjoes, I’m in Hell.

Cytorak, they call him. He’s a real fat f_ck but he’s good at what he does.

“Died again huh?” The demon bellows.

“Hey, I lasted a whole week that time.”

“What? you want a gold star? A participation trophy maybe?”

“You wanna know whats funny? The gun wasn’t even loaded.”

“You gonna send me back or not?”

“Not like I have much of a choice. However I’m sending someone to keep you in line.”

“Is it a hot succubus? I could get used to that”

“No, you idiot. I’m sending Grenax.”

As Cytorak says this, a purple goat like demon about 3 ft tall walks in. “Grenax at your service!” He says in a high pitched voice.

“Aww man, not him. He’s a f_cking toad.”

Cytorak looks at me sternly “You can stay here or you go with Grenax. No in between. Grenax will take the form of a cat and watch over you. Just cause I made you immortal doesn’t mean you don’t play by my rules.”

“We ready?” Grenax asks in an overly chipper tone.

I sigh knowing full well this is going to go to sh_t.

“Lets go get hammered, Grinny.”

To be continued...

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Guardiandevil83

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I really liked this. Lol

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FicOPedia

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@ellis_kord:

“Died again huh?” The demon bellows.

“Hey, I lasted a whole week that time.”

“What? you want a gold star? A participation trophy maybe?”

“You wanna know whats funny? The gun wasn’t even loaded.”

“You gonna send me back or not?”

Not sure who says:

“You wanna know whats funny? The gun wasn’t even loaded.”

If it was the demon, then that line should be combined with the previous line. If it was Ellis, then it should be combined with the line following it.

Beyond that and a couple of small punctuation errors, this was pretty good. Not everything in it was really my taste in story, but it was well written enough. Cheers, and welcome to CV.

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batkevin74

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@ellis_kord: Good job, no idea whats happening but I'm intrigued.

You WILL have to edit your swearing, which mostly you have. Title may get you into trouble

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NeutronStar

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Loved it mate.

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4donkeyjohnson

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Darkchild

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I want more too