A Charmed Slayer ! (Charmed and Buffy Cross over)

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DarkRoseIronAvenger

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Piper comes downstairs ,"Phoebe have you seen Leo? I've been calling for him for days and no responce."

"He's probally just out on some job the elders have him on."

"Yeah but.."

"Honey , don't worry , it gives you wrinkles. And I got go Elise has me working on a paper ."

"Another one ?"

"Yeah...."

Paige orbs in ,"hey guys , care for any lobster ?"

"Why are you drenched ! And all over the carpet , really Paige !" Piper starts to rant.

...........

"Here now the evils cry ,

The innocent to be dammed ,

Here thy words loud and far ,

Summon the evil that is universal "

"Dude you're spell isn't even gonna work . "

"It will I baught from that magic shop and thst girl willow is a total witch."

"She's pretty hot too. "

"She's a lesbian"

"Even hotter man ..."

"Are you two idiots done talking "

They turn around to see Cole, "who .. who are you ?"

"Well I'm demon you summoned , and I really got to thank you for that. By anychance you know what city I'm in.?"

"You're in sunnydale."

............

"Buffy those two kids that came into the shop yesterday were murdered. "

"Oh no , which two ?"

"The geekier one and the kinda chubby one , man I feel bad for calling them names , but I didn't know their names , so I guess it had to be..."

"Willow . Does the story have an end? "

"Sorry , yes . They were completely incenrated...."

All of a sudden Leo orbs in front of them," who the hell are you ," Buffy says sending Leo flying with a kick .

Leo recovering from the kick , "wow , nice kick , feels like phoebes."

"Answer her question" Willow try saying sternly then looks at buffy with a thumbs up and a smile.

"There's a great evil here in this world from my dimension . "

"What do you mean. I have no time to explain im being traced by him . Your a witch right " he looks at willow ," How did you ..."

"I promise I'll explain later but I need you to say this spell. "

Cole shimmers in,"Leo you sneaky white lighter. I see you've enlisted the help of the slayer . Impressive."

Buffy looks At Leo , "is this the guy ?"

"Yeah that's him but don't just.."

Buffy runs in and attacks Cole , but Cole fires back with fireballs . As they fight him , willow says the spell .

"Here now the words of the witches ,

Hear my cries ,hear my pleas ,

I summon thee my sister witches , I summon thee , the power of three ."

Within 10 seconds white lights starting shining down in the sky.

And out popped phobe, Paige , and piper .

" What the hell ..." Piper starts saying when she sees Leo fighting . She blasts both buffy and Cole and they go flying back ,"what the hell is going on ." Then she says Cole .

Phoebe starts running up ," cole...."

To be continued...

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DarkRoseIronAvenger

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Damn no comments

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4donkeyjohnson

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@darkroseironavenger: not a big fan of either show but that isnt your fault. but most of this, i don't know who is talking?

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ImpurestCheese

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#4  Edited By ImpurestCheese

@darkroseironavenger: You wanted a comment, fine than you can have one since I have spent many a night thinking 'come on comments' and that was with a call-out for other authors on site, something that you didn't include which it make it that much harder.

First of all I want to say that this could have been something great. The nostalgia I have for both shoes made me wish that a hidden gem was waiting for me, alas there were a fair amount of flaws behind that promising exterior.

1) The title was a clue to what was to come, crossover is one word whereas you split it into two. It's not too much of a problem, nothing a quick edit wouldn't solve.

2) Capitalization! Usually it's no capitals or wrongly capitalized words, here it is both. Capital letters are only required for place names, names of people or the beginning of sentences. Not only were a few names not capitalized but some random words mid sentence were, something that would put off readers.

You want something akin to this for example; It was spring in San Francisco Bay, the birds had returned from their winter haunts, the sea-lions were merrily creating baby sea-lions and Buffy Summers was feeling optimistic about her upcoming date that evening.

3) @4donkeyjohnson covered this in his comment, as will I here. Some of your dialogue was not assigned a speaker, and that can be a little confusing. In addition your tense is a little off. Ideally you want past tense, simply because it runs better when read or spoken. Compare the two following extracts and you may see what I mean.

Example One - "What do you mean. I have no time to explain im being traced by him . Your a witch right " he looks at willow ," How did you ..."

Example Two - "What do you mean?" Someone asked.

"I have no time to explain." Leo replied. "I have no time to explain now, I'm being traced by him." He added before looking Willow up and down. "You are a witch right?"

4) Spacing and Punctuation. I really don't want to go into this as any decent word processors spell function should pick this up. There are points where the wrong punctuation has been used, as evidenced by the lack of question marks in the quote from you shown above, or where it is missing entirely. As for spacing, it's mostly where you have quotation marks, an additional space is not required between a full stop and the quotation marks.

5) Articles are your friends, they help make sentences flow more smoothly. Scanning your writing I don't see many (if any) articles in the work. You have either used commas (nothing wrong there) or chosen to go for short sentences (again nothing wrong save for it impacting on story flow). Again I have two more extracts to be compared with each other.

Example Three - "Honey , don't worry , it gives you wrinkles. And I got go Elise has me working on a paper ."

Example Four - "Don't worry honey, it will give you wrinkles." Phoebe tells someone. "I have got to go, Elise has me working on a paper."

6) Spelling. Again noting a spell checker or a beta reader can't handle. I copied your document over to Word on my laptop and found thirteen spelling mistakes that hadn't been checked, and numerous grammar errors. While I can understand the excitement and impatience about releasing a piece of work and receiving comments, if the work isn't up to standard then it ultimately won't net you much.

Finally I want to make the following clear. This is not a personal attack, nor should my comments convince you to stop writing. On the contrary I believe everyone should write and share what they have. I wish you good luck with all your future endeavours, both writing and otherwise.

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stumpy49er

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@darkroseironavenger: Not very familiar with Charmed. I watched a few episodes because they were attractive women but I could never get into it. Buffy on the other hand is one of the greatest shows of all time.

I'd suggest editing the story as @Impurest said then doing some callouts. I always find it nice to get some constructive criticism, so I can edit my stories and make them more readable.

Good luck.

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deactivated-57d57a3174063

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I'm glad you used Paige instead of Prue. I have nothing against Prue, but I started the series with Paige lol

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DarkRoseIronAvenger

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@impurestcheese: I understand what you are trying to say, but I am on my phone doing these things. When writing a whole fan-fic it can be kind of hard to make sure my grammar and punctuation are correct. Espicially when you are battling auto-correct.

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ImpurestCheese

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#8  Edited By ImpurestCheese