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*This takes place after Lex Hard #1, The Quoll #4 and Wind Duster #8
*Rated MA. Also The Quoll, being a rude Australian pretending to Canadian, goes for the cheap tactic of calling Lex gay regardless of whether he is or not to irk him. This is fictional and does not reflect how I feel, it is simply what The Quoll does and not all that often. If this does offend you we'll discuss it
*One of the characters takes a fictional drug. Don't take drugs people. Just say no!
*EweChube is a parody of the videosharing service that everyone knows about. Sevensies is also a parody of a web site where you pay people two dollars less than seven and they do things for you like draw, paint and sing.
Alexander Eisenhardt, aka Lex Hard, sat in a high-backed black chair; hand on his chin as he watched the news. Normally he didn’t care for the news but last night there was a report about him that had some of his underlings gossiping like a knitting circle.
A muscular, hairy, weird animal-human hybrid appeared on camera snatching the microphone off the startled weather guy. “G’day Indigo City! I’m the Quoll! Say it with me QUOLL! Now it seems there’s some gay porn star themed dropkick called Lex Hard trying to ruin Indigo City! Lex Hard! Seriously? Was Max Power taken? Well I got news for you mate, I’m coming for you! I am going to kick your bum so hard you’ll have to wipe your nose when you do…”
Lex crushed the remote in his hand into plastic dust and circuitry before hurling a desk across the room into the television screen making it explode.
“You okay boss?” asked Rico, one of Lex’s trusted lieutenants, as he stood in the corner of the room.
Alexander exhaled, “We’re going to find this Quoll. We’re going to skin him and then I’m going to break his neck!”
“Sure thing boss,” said Rico who paused like he had bad news or something else to add but was unsure on how.
Alexander looked at him “Don’t make me guess Rico. I despise guessing games.”
“We’re going to have to jet from here,” said Rico “After all them cops you offed, the heat w…”
“What do I care about the police Rico?” Alexander stated. “I could end them all.”
“Of course you can boss, that’s not the point. The more heat you bring down here, the harder it’ll be for us to conduct business, y’know. If we’re not doing business, well…” Rico shrugged.
Alexander nodded “For no education higher than grade school Rico, you are quite intelligent. I want this place emptied out in two…hours.” He began to cough, a deep hacking cough. Rico started over but Alexander waved him off. Rico quietly left as Alexander stared at the blood on his hands that had come from his mouth.
The Quoll, in his normal identity of police book & record keeper of Ben Irwin, sauntered into work about an hour late. He flashed Captain Caleb McDonald a big smile and wave as they passed in the corridor. Captain McDonald’s arms were folded so tight like two pythons wrestling each other to death. Ben just knew there would be some sort of surprise of paperwork or something when he got to the records room.
Ben unlocked the door and peered in carefully but there was nothing unusual. He put his bag down, turned on his computer and put his feet on the desk.
“Three hours til lunch,” he said aloud as he shut his eyes.
Wind Duster slowly woke up to the sound of chirping. His eyes focused on a pigeon that was sitting on his shoulder. He must’ve dozed off as he hovered in the upper atmosphere.
“Shoo!” he said startling the bird who left a mucky yellow stain on his shoulder as it flew off. “Great! Just what I needed…wonder what the time is? Why am I floating?”
Below him didn’t really look like Indigo City, and a sudden wave of fear, panic and confusion hit him like a train. “DAISY!”
He concentrated and in a flash he disappeared. PWOP!
Alexander sat in his office all alone, having his coughing fit, hacking up blood. It’d been an hour before he managed to get off the floor to call his personal physician.
"Been over doing it again I see." He looked up to see Lillian Jones standing in the doorway.
“Don’t you knock?” he rasped as he flopped into a nearby chair.
“Shall I go? I do actually have other things to do,” She replied with an eyebrow raised as she surveyed the mess in the room.
"Spare me the tone at least, mother." He coughed. "I'm in enough pain already."
Lillian crossed the room and placed her large black doctors’ bag on the floor, removing a stethoscope and some blue gloves. She then took out a small torch and a tongue depressor. “Open!” she said as she grabbed his chin and peered into his mouth. “I keep telling you, your powers are evolving. Evolution is never smooth. Explain the mess.”
“Ahh shaw schumting onn thar terrabision vat ahnoyed me scho eye trelekuneticalee froo var tahbull across thar rvoom,” he mumbled past the tongue depressor.
She rolled her eyes and slapped his mouth shut. "This telekinesis is only temporary until your powers stabilize Lex. Until then every use of your powers will cause your body to start to shut down. Especially if you have a tantrum after you’ve stupidly killed a dozen CBTF agents.”
Lex tried to force his body to sit up but Lillian pushed him back in place like a naughty lion cub being restrained.
“You like seeing me like this?" Lex asked.
"I must admit, there is a certain....thrill at having you at my mercy." Lillian mused as she fished out a hypodermic needle full of yellow goo. She then pulled out a ballpein hammer and smashed him on the forearm.
"Isn't it ironic how because of your durability, that I have to attempt to hurt you to get a vein up and also coat the tip of this needle with battery acid as to pierce your skin?" She asked smiling.
Lex went to reply when she jammed the needle in with a stabbing motion, injecting the liquid into him. “Within minutes, the fits and coughing should cease and your fabled strength will return so you can continue to be the world class idiot I know and love.”
“I pray every day that you will die,” said Lex as he sat up “Not always horribly, just that you will.”
Lillian mimed shock as she packed up her equipment "Have you seen the news?”
Lex scowled. "I will be dealing with the Quoll shortly.”
“Best you do. He's gained quite the following." Lillian smiled and patted him on the head. “Have a nice day dear.”
“Don’t look as you cross the street,” replied Lex as he finally stood. He shook his arms and cracked the kinks out of his neck.
Daisy Brooks folded her arms, puffed out her chest and glared at Mark as he rushed into the kitchen. “Where have you been?”
Mark ignored her and hug-tackled her. “You okay?”
“DAD!” she whined and wriggled “You’re squashing me!”
“Sorry,” Mark put her down “Would you believe I fell asleep in the air. Weird huh?”
Daisy looked at him, smiled and patted his face “You’re a goof!”
“This super hero caper is tiring,” Mark put her down and poured a glass of water. Someone wanted to meet him at Indigo, that someone also had his cell number which was worrisome. No wonder superheroes wore masks and were often single, and kid free, and…
“What’s gay porn?”
Mark spat water across the room. Daisy giggled as Mark wiped his mouth. “It’s, um…well, it’s um…who told you this?”
“The Quoll did! It’s on the news. So what is it?”
Mark looked down at his precocious little daughter and ruffled her hair “We don’t listen to what that fuzzy rat says.”
“He’s not a rat, he’s a marzipan!” Daisy corrected. “He comes from Australia.”
-My daughter thinks a talking ratman is cool- Mark shook his head. “When did…show me what you’re talking about please.”
Daisy led him to the computer and got him up to speed which made him feel proud, old, silly and a bit of anger all that the same time as they watched the EweChube channel someone had made for The Quoll.
Ben stamped some papers and handed a box over to a detective before opening the alert on his computer. When he’d first started Quolling, he got one of the IT guys to help him write a program that would track news articles. He then got a guy from Latvia on Sevensies to edit the program and then got another guy from India to further edit it so it would pick up chatter on The Quoll. He also did it all via Captain McDonald's work email so if it all hit the fan…
“Crikey!’ he exclaimed as he saw that the EweChube channel that someone had set up for him, well the Quoll anyway, and it had now hit 5,000 hits and climbing.
He smiled and opened up a box of evidence as he made a phone call.
Alexander Eisenhardt sat in the passenger side of his black SUV watching the Channel 77 weather crew set up near the playground. The CBTF wouldn’t be here as he had some people phone in several anonymous tips that he was down in the Devil’s Den attacking the power station. To sell the idea he did have a grenade thrown into a transformer taking out the power to most of the suburb. With them out of the way he’d have the Quoll all to himself to break live on camera.
Mark looked at his watch. It was 10.57pm. Channel 77 news came on at eleven and that’s usually when The Quoll struck. Daisy had been most informative about him, as had the internet. And seeing that The Quoll had called out some guy called Alexander Eisenhardt, which after some web surfing revealed he was some bad-ass bogey man super carrier thing that may or may not exist, it seemed if there was a smackdown about to take place. And it would serve the world’s greatest super hero in good stead if he made an appearance.
The Quoll crouched behind some industrial bins as he cased the area. No apparent CBTF patrols, no obvious police cars though the black SUV could be an unmarked car but the window tint was way too dark for undercovers. He watched as the cameraman finger counted in the reporter who was a little nervous considering recent hijackings.
“Okay ya drongo, where are you?” Quoll said as he crept closer.
PWOP! Wind Duster appeared right next to the reporter who nearly choked on his microphone. He threw his hands up and ran as he’d been instructed by his bosses to do.
Mark watched the guy run off and shrugged when he realised he was on camera. “Oh, um hi! I’m Wind Duster.”
Alexander saw the fleeing reporter and a figure in front of the cameraman. “Show time!” He got out of the car as Rico waited with an AK-47.
“You’re &^*%$ kidding me!” groaned Quoll as he saw a large man stalk towards Wind Duster who was trying his best to be a late night comedian. “It’s Feather Duster! Not the idiot I was expecting!”
“Quoll!” yelled Alexander as he rushed Wind Duster. Mark turned as the big man crash tackled him. Wind Duster grunted and teleported before the pair hit the ground.
“I’m not The Quoll,” wheezed Wind Duster as he stabilised himself as Alexander got to his feet.
A garbage can slammed down over Alex’s head followed by a jump kick which sent him flying. “No, I am!” stated The Quoll.
Wind Duster looked at the furry quoll-man-thing in almost disbelief. Quoll snapped his fingers in Mark’s face. “Wakey wakey Dust Buster.”
“I’m Wind Duster.”
“I don’t…move!” Quoll shoved Wind Duster aside as the garbage can flew like a missile towards them.
“You’re dead!’ growled Alexander as he got to his feet.
“And you’re gay mate!” laughed Quoll as he charged him. Alexander raised an eyebrow at this either very brave or very stupid creature.
Rocking Roll exhaled a cloud of marijuana smoke as he watched the television. Wind Duster, The Quoll and some dude were beating up each other on Channel 77. “Cool…”
Alexander telekinetically grabbed Quoll by the throat and lifted him up into the air. “Any last words, rat?”
“Whoosh!” squeaked Quoll as his eyes drifted to the right. Alexander looked and got him in the face with a gust of air. Alex’s eyes watered profusely.
“You attacked me? With a gust of air?” coughed Alexander.
–I’m so dead, I’m so dead, I’m so dead- Wind Duster gulped as he charged at him, fists flailing. Alexander caught him by the throat squeezing tightly.
“You are a waste of my time!” Alexander tossed him away like a ragdoll. Wind Duster spun off towards the parked cars and then PWOP! Vanished. Alexander turned to Quoll who was turning a dark shade of purple when. PWOP! Wind Duster appeared on the other side of the playground and using the force and speed from his dismissal ploughed into the back of Alexander, returning the crash tackle. Quoll felt the sweet relief of oxygen as he dropped to the ground.
“Thanks mate,” he coughed as Wind Duster wobbled to his feet.
Alexander roared in anger. Twice he’d been knocked over, two times too many! It hadn’t hurt but it was infuriating. In a telekinetic rage he lashed out and ripped the two seesaws out of the ground, and waved them about like they were being used by invisible swordsmen.
“Got a plan?” asked Wind Duster. Quoll smiled and opened a small bag and inhaled it. “Did you just have a line of coke?”
“BeTtEr!” Quoll’s face quivered as his body pulsed. “StArDuSt!”
Wind Duster shook his head. Last time he’d encountered that stuff Heatseeker made molten volcanic rock hands and punched his head in.*
“YOu TaKe ThE gYm StUfF, I’Ll TeAr HiS hEaD oFf!” cackled Quoll as he shot forward at lightning speed.
Rocking Roll laughed as he watched the television, when suddenly “Whoa…wait! Oh $#!t fuzzy wuzzy wanted me to like help him!”
And with that he summoned his cloud and shot off into the night.
PWOP! Wind Duster teleported out of the way as the seesaw smashed into splinters as Quoll hit Alexander head on, his claws actually making sparks as they grazed off his skin. Lex was having trouble dealing with the Australian’s speed when he noticed the glaze in his eyes.
“You’re on stardust!” Lex said as the second seesaw swatted down on Quoll. With a leaping claw motion, the Quoll shredded the play equipment, flipped and rushed back in at him.
“NoT mY pRoUdEsT mOmEnT mAtE!” rambled Quoll as he slashed across Lex’s gut, if he were remotely normal he’d of been gutted.
“Heads up!” yelled Wind Duster as he used a gust of air to direct the seesaw aimed at him and it smashed Lex across the face with a sickening crack. Lex shook with rage and spat out a mouthful of wood. In the sky the dulcet tones of The Scorpions ‘Rock You Like A Hurricane’ bounced around the air as Rocking Roll descended on the trio like it was the opening act of a metal concert.
“ROCKING ROLL TO THE RESCUE!” yelled the slightly stoned hero as he swung his guitar at Wind Duster in a way that would make Pete Townsend proud. Wind Duster teleported out of the way.
“OI!” cursed the Quoll as he and Alexander traded blows. “NoT hIm Ya WoMbAT!”
“Sorry dude!” said Rocking Roll throwing up the rock horns to Wind Duster who pointed at Alexander who was taking, and dishing out, a tonne of punishment.
Rocking Roll’s guitar snapped over the head of Alexander who backhanded the metal hero away like a fly, careening into the swing set. “Avenge meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Quoll grabbed the extended arm of Alexander and bit down hard on it causing him to scream as the sharp teeth pierced the skin. Lex slammed his free hand down on Quoll’s head again and again trying to get loose.
“YOU RABID LITTLE BASTARD!” screamed Lex as he wound up for a coup-de-grace when his fist stopped inches from Quoll’s skull, Wind Duster summoning a cushion of gale force wind to deflect the blow. Lex tried to lash out with his telekinesis but the searing pain of the Quoll’s teeth kept him from concentrating on it. And so the trio wrestled until finally Lex swung his arm knocking the Quoll off by hitting him into Wind Duster.
“Lex…Hard,” coughed Quoll with a mouthful of blood and flesh “More like…soft and…chewy!”
Blood seeped from his arm. He telekinetically wrapped a force cast around it as he eyed the two panting heroes. “You ar…!”
WHAM! Rocking Roll whacked Lex square in the throat with a section of metal swing. The bar bent around his throat. “Miss me dude!”
CHOOM! Lex uppercut him sending him up into the sky as he pulled the pipe away.
Lex’s henchman popped out of the sun roof of the SUV with the AK-47 and took aim at the pair from behind “Yeah boss?”
Rico smiled and opened fire on Quoll and Wind Duster. Mark grabbed Quoll and PWOP! Teleported behind Alexander as the bullets bounced off his skin.
“NOT ME YOU IDIOT!” shouted Lex as Rico’s gun shuddered to a halt. Quoll raked his claws down Lex’s back causing him to spin around and smash Wind Duster in the head, nearly taking his head off. Alexander grabbed Quoll by the side of the head and squeezed.
“Never has someone annoyed me in such a short time as you have!” growled Lex as he pressed his hands together causing Quoll’s head to quiver as it rapidly approached bleeding point.
“Shut up and kiss me ya gay pansy!” chuckled Quoll as the stardust faded.
“I’M! NOT! GAY!” Lex yelled into Quoll’s face as he shook him like a British nanny.
“ENCORE!” yelled Rocking Roll as he bent another piece of gym equipment over Alexander’s head. Lex turned slowly, furiously, as he glared at the blonde rock god, who gulped as he saw the look on his face.
“Hey dude, your nose is like drippin a…” CRACK! Lex kicked him in the chest sending him again across the park smashing into his own black SUV taking out Rico.
“Avenge meeeeeeee!” cried Rocking Roll from the wreckage.
“LET HIM GO!” demanded Wind Duster as he wobbled to his feet, holding his hands up like a drunken man trying to fight. Lex dumped Quoll on the ground like an unwanted baby and stomped towards Wind Duster.
“You’re a cloud! A vacuum cleaner at best!” sneered Lex as he cracked his knuckles “You’re as effective as…” Wind Duster lashed out and hit Lex right on the chin, which was as effective as punching a wall. Lex chuckled and drew back his hand. “This is over!”
“Hope you like Argentina!” prayed Wind Duster as he caught Alexander’s hand with a PWOP! And in a flash the man was gone leaving Wind Duster alone, standing in the playground hands up like he was surrendering.
“Holy $%#!’ exclaimed the camera man as he applauded with all his might as he stepped in front of the camera he’d been wielding this entire time.
“This is John Tom,” said the camera man as he held the camera and stepped in front of the live feed “For Channel 77 action news! Let’s see if we can talk to our intrepid heroes. Excuse me, Mr Wind Duster.”
Wind Duster looked down the barrel of the camera like a deer in the headlights, internally counting all his lucky stars that he was alive.
“How do you feel?” asked John Tom shoving the mike right under his chin.
“How the ^%$& do you think he feels ya dropkick?” snarled The Quoll as he batted the intrusive device away. “He’s a &^*% hero who just kicked Alexander Eisenfarts butt!” Quoll raised Wind Duster’s hand in triumph. Mark cracked a bloody smile. In the distance the sounds of approaching sirens meant trouble.
“Ladies and gentlemen I’m The Quoll! Don’t do drugs! Stay in school! Legalise gay marriage! Recycle! Don’t trust the CBTF!” yelled the Quoll into the microphone before vanishing into the night. Wind Duster waved him off; possible due to the massive concussion he had from the punch to the face. He waved to the camera and launched himself into the air in a very heroic exit.
“And there you have it folks,” said John Tom as he stepped back in front of the camera “This is John Tom for Channel 77. Back to you in the studio.”
Lex Hard’s fist smashed into the side of the Barolo Tower in Buenos Aires in Argentina. After three hits he paused as he realised something was amiss. Suddenly a wave of nausea and an attack in his trachea took over his body as blood gushed from his nose and mouth. Lex stagger-ran aimlessly as he headed for a relatively safe spot and ripped a phone from his pocket. His trembling fingers punched in a number as he laid shaking and spluttering in the alley.
“M-m-mother,” he whispered as his eyelids grew heavy “H-h-help me.”
Ben Irwin vomited into the toilet as he collapsed next to the bowl. “I reckon I’m callin in sick tomorrow!”
Mark appeared in his kitchen and promptly fell on the floor. He clung on for dear life as the whole world seemed to be spinning. He barely remembered getting home, since that smack to the head most things were a tad hazy. There was a weird repetitive noise and after a while he finally worked out it was applause. Mark pulled his head off the floor to see Daisy clapping her heart out.
“You are amazing!” she squealed as she jumped up and down.
The End…well of this! Hope you enjoyed it
Our characters now part ways and you'll see them in their own titles of Lex Hard #2, Wind Duster #9 and The Quoll #5. Crossroads will be used again when we have another crossing of paths.
*The asterisk in reference to Wind Duster and Heatseeker well the links to that story are here: