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pikahyper

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#201  Edited By pikahyper  Moderator

@cloudguy: I always told my students it is best to read what you write out loud, easiest way to find typos and oddities.

For "Alongside Bulk, they scouted out zones controlled by Drakkon and helping those in trouble." the and helping part is irking me, I can't put my finger on it but it feels wrong, especially with it starting with Alongside, reading it over and over just feels off & slightly unclear. Maybe change the and to while, it reads better in my head at least.

Edit: I remember Finster from the olden days but the spacing threw me off and then it made more sense when you mentioned him later on.

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cloudguy

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@pikahyper: I see what you mean in regards to the wording. It seems a bit off. I'll change the and to while as it does read better that way, but it could just be that the whole sentence just needs rewording.

The whole Finster-5 situation confused me at first, the version within the arc is an alternate universe one. It's not explained how it came to be in earlier issues unless I missed it.

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pikahyper

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#203 pikahyper  Moderator

@cloudguy: It is worth mulling over but it might require making it longer to be clearest as I can't think of a way while keeping it a similar length. Try reading (including) the sentences around/with it while using "while" and see if it is improved or not as a whole (or paragraph).

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cloudguy

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@pikahyper: I'll give it a go in the morning as it's 11:30pm for me. But I'll most likely just end up redoing the whole paragraph, the more I read it the more I dislike it. The whole thing just seems off.

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#205 pikahyper  Moderator

@cloudguy: you are right it is all a bit off, like the saying goodbye section feels weird too, it confused me the first time I read it and I had to re-read it a couple of times before it clicked, maybe change before saying to without saying. Sought is a weird word too, maybe hunted, sought makes it seem more normal/neutral/nonchalant, you've got stronger emotions/words before and after so instead of highlighting that she wants to kill him it dips at sought.