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#1 Posted by deactivated-5b60e98a8eb99 (11593 posts) - - Show Bio

Welcome to the J.O.K.E Tournament!

Representing Jar Jar Binks, @banthabot:

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Representing Videogamedunkey, @amendment50:

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Rules:

  • Win by any means.
  • All of their feats are allowed.
  • Logic is banned here.
  • NFL, PIS, memes, and photoshop, are law.
  • In character.

Battle takes place here:

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#2 Edited by Noone1996 (12041 posts) - - Show Bio

Lol wtf is this? I'll take the spaghetti and meatballs.

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#3 Posted by Amendment50 (15539 posts) - - Show Bio
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#4 Posted by cpt_nice (10044 posts) - - Show Bio

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He looks like a poor man's Jontron.

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#5 Posted by Amendment50 (15539 posts) - - Show Bio

@cpt_nice: He's actually just as popular and just as old as Jontron.

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#6 Posted by deactivated-5aba78567e8b5 (4502 posts) - - Show Bio

@amendment50: you may go first. I won't r able to do an opener for a few hours or else tomorrow

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#7 Posted by Amendment50 (15539 posts) - - Show Bio

@banthabot: I'm not gonna have anything up sooner than that. You can open.

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#8 Posted by deactivated-5aba78567e8b5 (4502 posts) - - Show Bio

@amendment50: alrighty. Tonight/tomorrow morning. It won't take me log to type up as it is not hard to comprehend that Jar Jar is omnipotent

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#9 Posted by MystifiedGoose (150 posts) - - Show Bio

@banthabot: Jar Jar wrote George Lucas into existence iirc.

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#10 Posted by deactivated-5aba78567e8b5 (4502 posts) - - Show Bio
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#11 Posted by deactivated-5aba78567e8b5 (4502 posts) - - Show Bio

@amendment50:

Jar Jar Binks

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Jar Jar Binks is the most powerful Star Wars character to ever exist and the omnipotent overlord of everything, including this very CaV itself.

Just glancing at him you might think that he is just a bumbling idiot but in reality he is a high level martial artist and the most powerful Sith Lord in the galaxy. This is explained in detail by the official Star Wars source of highest canon, a random youtuber...

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Now while it was never stated in this particular video Jar Jar Binks sith name is Darth Plageuis. This is extremely important because Darth Plageuis is known to be able to save people from death and is able to manipulate midicholorians returning them to their source, literally cutting off their connection to life itself, meaning that Jar Jar can literally will you to die.

“Let me explain what is happening to you,” Plagueis said. “The cells that make up all living things contain within them organelles known as midi-chlorians. They are, in addition to being the basis for life, the elements that enable beings like me to perceive and use the Force. As the result of a lifetime of study, I have learned how to manipulate midi-chlorians, and I have instructed the limited number you possess to return to their source. In plain Basic, Veruna, I am killing you.”

He can also use this ability to heal himself and extend his own life indefinitely, making him immune to disease and granting immortality.

“The solution, therefore, is not to introduce new midi-chlorians but to impose one’s will on the midi-chlorians already present in the subject. This can be done through the energy of the pneuma. Just as a warrior in peak condition can lift a heavy weight, so can someone with a sharpened mental focus and an affinity for the Force achieve a measurable effect on living cells.

I begin with experiments on scurries and other small creatures. I used my will, amplified through my body’s own midi-chlorians, to override the lesser concentrated midi-chlorian voices in the test subjects. This proved more challenging than I predicted. Because midi-chlorians are linked by a universal mind, the ones in my own cells seemed to resist this imposition upon their fellows. But eventually I succeeded, first with small creatures, then with slaves purchased from the Hutts. I forced the midi-chlorians to override their natural life cycles. What I discovered is that these midi-chlorians would not die. Instead, they drew upon sustaining Force energy, which acted on a microscopic level to halt tissue decay in their host, putting an end to aging and disease.”

He can also use this ability to create life

What did the droid mean when it said the Magister’s pregnancies?”

Beneath the breath mask, Plagueis might have quirked a smile. “It means that the pregnancies were not achieved by normal means of conception, but rather through the Force.”

Now I know what your thinking...actual legit quotes in a tournament like this? Well it is important to establish what Legends Darth Plageuis is capable of because this is not the true Darth Plageuis, rather it is the Plageuis that Lucas created after wimping out of revealing Jar Jar as the bad guy. This is a watered down version of Plageuis that has limits and as I am about to explain Jar Jar Binks does not.

Something essential to establishing how powerful Jar Jar Binks really is, is the Rule of Two as it provides evidence as to how strong Jar Jar was really meant to be. One of the core elements of the Rule of Two is that every apprentice must become more powerful than their master in Order to become the next master. As such the Rule of Two saw Sith ever growing in power and strength and ever increasing in knowledge.

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For a millennium, the Sith maintained the order in secrecy, passing down their evil heritage. As they gained knowledge of the dark side of the Force, their powers increased with each generation.

Oh no, more legit quotes! Anyways now that this is established it is clear that each Sith since Darth Bane grew ever stronger in power so Jar Jar, who is Plageuis, gains scaling from Darth Bane. But since Lucas chickened out of making Jar Jar the real bad guy he had to down scale Darth Bane as well so we cannot use the "canon" version of Darth Bane that can level a giant temple with a Force Push, no that is just way to weak, instead we have to delve deep into Star Wars history to find the true Darth Bane, the original Darth Bane. The Darth Bane who can move planets like juggling bouncy balls.

Now that he understood the depths of Sith powers, he thought he might even have control over worlds and moons, able to play with orbits and gravity like a child might play with colored balls.

Long ago, Dxun had grazed the planet Onderon, close enough that it was possible for creatures to pass across the conjoined atmosphere. Perhaps Bane could nudge the beast moon close enough so that he could travel to the nearby planet that filled the sky. In bloodshed and chaos, Darth Bane would go to Onderon... and there he would find his apprentice

This is not all. Thankfully throughout the course of history trickles of Darth Banes real power have trickled through the cracks. Such as him being confirmed as being the Sith'ari, a being who is noted as having no limits...

The Sith'ari will be free of limits. The Sith'ari will lead the Sith and destroy them. The Sith'ari will raise the Sith from death and make them stronger than before.

And for a being free of limits it should not surprise you that Darth Bane is an interdimentional teleporter as he has been confirmed as being one of the main villains from TMNT...

The Shredder ON FIRE!!!

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So lets recap. Darth Bane can juggle planets like a child playing with bouncy balls, has no limits, and not only is the Shredder from TMNT but is also ON FIRE!!! and Jar Jar Binks, A.K.A Darth Plageuis, is like a million times more powerful than him. (Actual mathematic calculation)

And while we are on the topic of Darth Bane scaling, it is also noted that all the knowledge of Darth Bane was passed down through out a millennia (and there definitely wasn't a crazy Sith who destroyed half of it because if their was that that would just be Lucas down playing Jar Jars power again) and Darth Bane is noted as having a power known as the Thought Bomb. Now Darth Bane was clearly inferior to Jar Jar as I have already proven so his version of the thought bomb is far inferior to Jar Jar. Instead of a ritual that traps all Force Wielders caught in its radius in a glowing ball where they are reduced to a state of insanity and forced to live the rest of eternity in utter agony as Darth Bane employed it, Jar Jar Binks can us the Thought Bomb power to literally make thoughts explode.

Oh and Jar Jar gains all of Darth Banes and the intermediary Rule of Two Sith Lords powers as well, which are really quite insignificant but here is a list of them.

Telekinesis

Force Lightning

Tutaminus (Absorbing energy)

Telepathy

Darth Zannah's spells of madness

Tendrils of Darkness

Force Drain

Death Fields

Essence Transfer

Illusions

Time Manipulation

Momentum Manipulation

So allow me to recap again. Jar Jar Binks has powers that are a million times stronger than limitless. Can create life, will you to die, is immortal, and can literally make your thoughts explode. I apologize if this has been jarring reading this. It really is quite a shock to most people when the fully realize just how powerful Jar Jar Binks is...

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These are just my opening statements. It is your turn good sir...

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#12 Posted by Emperordmb (1987 posts) - - Show Bio
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#13 Posted by Emperordmb (1987 posts) - - Show Bio

T420V btw

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#15 Edited by Amendment50 (15539 posts) - - Show Bio
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Dunkstin checks in:

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Biography:

Jason Gastrow, also known as videogamedunkey, also known as Vogue's Sexiest Man Alive 2016, is a Youtube gamer residing in Shitterton USA. Dunkey's power comes from the DunkForce, a mysterious power not understood fully by mortal men. Many times have we seen brief glimpses of the DunkForce in action, as Dunkey describes his raw power to his humble audience.

Dunkey hit:

Now Jar-Jar may be impressive but he is simply not on Donko's level as I will soon prove. His skill, intelligence and physical abilities are unrivalled by any other competitor.

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Dunkey is literally the smartest human being to ever live in the entire world.

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Dunkey is capable of performing incomprehensibly fast 360's.

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Dunkey's Dunkey Roll is undetectable by any foe.

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Dunkey's spin move can turn around battles even if death is imminent.

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Dunkey holds the record for having killed the most killdest man of all time. Dunkey has broken this record on his own five times, killing a guy so hard that he is the most killdest guy in the entire galaxy universe forever infinity, and then killed another guy even harder than that.

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Dunkey throws Jeffery at a billion miles an hour (roughly the speed of light), then effortlessly kills a dinosaur the size of hundreds of galaxies.

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Dunkey has battled and defeated his rival Steinfield, a nuclear-powered robot alien capable of effortlessly destroying Hawaii and blasting Dunkey to the moon (which he survives), all in base form.

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Dunkey moves so inconceivably fast to escape the Nuclear-Reactor-Super-Mega-Ultra Bomb that he shatters reality itself, warps through a space hula hoop and ends up at a pizza party, bringing Steinfield back to life.

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Steinfield's ultimate form, Mega Steinfield, wields a black hole in his mouth which Dunkey can resist the pull of. Mega Steinfield is also immune to the Brett Favre canon, growing to be one million times larger after absorbing the blow. After absorbing the blow Mega Steinfield is strong enough to casually destroy the universe by eating it.

Ultimate Mega Steinfield resists every attack that the gang throws at him, even regenerating after a combined attack from King Phil's Millenium Falcon missiles and Madden missiles and lasers.

Ultimately, this unfathomably-massively-larger-than-the-universe form of Ultimate Mega Steinfield battles Dunkey one-on-one. Dunkey tanks his Space Punch with no major damage and is capable of surviving the Super Steinfield Slam.

After a long battle, Dunkey gets bored and finally decides to use his signature move, the Dunkey Blast, totally destroying Steinfield with only a single blast.

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Another example of the signature Dunkey Blast, Dunkey is capable of destroying omniversal reality warpers using it. (paging @cpt_nice)

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Most impressively of all, Dunkey is capable of mercilessly criticizing our Preplord and Saviour Batman H. Christ, without being smited by Lord Chew. I don't think Jar-Jar has any feats even close to this level.

Gameplan:

Now I realize that Jar-Jar is powered by the Mainstream-Memeforce, a powerful force that allows him to get votes just on the basis that he's Jar-Jar Binks, but I hope that our dear readers will look past this natural force in the ComicVine universe in the name of Lord Chew and choose Dunkey, the fighter here who truly represents all that He stands for.

Now, Jar-Jar may have some impressive feats, making planet-level subordinates seem like child's play- but unfortunately for our Gungan mastermind, Dunkey can do the same thing to him. Dunkey's stats and feats are inconceivably above even Jar-Jar's as I have demonstrated, meaning that this battle will last only as long as Dunkey chooses.

Dunkey can blitz Jar-Jar to kingdom f*ck and back, hitting him with galaxy-level attacks as he chooses. If the fight drags on for too long he can simply end it with a Dunkey Blast.

And of course, if all else fails...

he

can

always

just

kill

him

in

one

hit.

Thanks for reading everybody.

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@banthabot: Okay baby. That's it for my dunklicious opener.

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#16 Edited by deactivated-5aba78567e8b5 (4502 posts) - - Show Bio

@amendment50:

That was pretty impressive but Jar Jar Binks is back (Technically since Jar Jar Binks is omnipresent he never left but you get the point.)

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Counters

Now Jar-Jar may be impressive but he is simply not on Donko's level as I will soon prove. His skill, intelligence and physical abilities are unrivalled by any other competitor.

Dunkey is may be pretty skilled, intelligent and handicapable but Jar Jar Binks has earned the title of Darth Plagueis the Wise.

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Clearly his Wisdom stat is unmatched by any character in any form of fiction reality or sub-dimensions in between. This of course means that he is the most powerful wizard in any MMO to ever exist because of how high his Wisdom stat is, and can one shot every WoW boss at the same time. This is a feat that Donkey has no hope of achieving.

Dunkeys literally the smartest human being to ever live in the entire world.

That is quite impressive but Jar Jar Binks matches and exceeds his intelligence with his unparalleled wisdom.

Dunkey is capable of performing incomprehensibly fast 360's.

Ah before we continue I am going to have to show you what an in depth analysis of how a battle between Darth Sidious and Jar Jar Binks would go down.

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As clearly explained in this Video Jar Jar Binks blows Darth Sidious out of the water in every single category. This of course means speed. So to figure out how fast Jar Jar Binks is I am going to have to bend the rules of Star War explain one of the many immovable facts of Star Wars.

This all begins with Magnaguards who are stated as being near light speed in a very literal sense, defiantly not hyperbole at all because that would be ridiculous.

Three MagnaGuards, each with a double-ended weapon that generated an energy field impervious to lightsabers, each with reflexes that operated near light-speed, each with hypersophisticated heuristic combat algorithms that enabled it to learn from experience and adapt its tactics instantly to any situation, were certainly beyond Obi-Wan's ability to defeat, but it was not Obi-Wan who would defeat them; Obi-Wan wasn't even fighting. He was only a vessel, emptied of self. The Force, shaped by his skill and guided by his clarity of mind, fought through him.

Note how three Magnaguards are stated as being more than Obi-Wan could handle, and Obi-Wan is someone who gets the unique advantage of having the high ground at all times.

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This clearly means that Magnaguards are each galaxy busters who move at near light speed. And yet Jedi Master Cthulhu who goes by the alias Kit Fisto is capable of speed blitzing two of these Magnaguards, forever proving that Kit Fisto is massively FTL and could easily bust two galaxies with a single Force Push.

To the rear of the car, where Grievous's pair of MagnaGuards had made the mistake of pitting themselves against Kit Fisto, the Nautolan's blade was a cyclone of blazing blue light.Resistant to the energy outpourings of a lightsaber, the phrik alloy staffs were potent weapons, but like any weapon they needed to find their target, and Kit simply wasn't allowing that. In moves a Twi'lek dancer might envy, he spun around the guards, claiming a limb from both with each rotation: left legs, right arms, right legs...

So now we know what Kit Fisto is capable of lets see how well this massively FTL/galaxy buster x 2 performs against Darth Sidious. Again note the Kit Fisto is also Cthulhu which instantly makes 20x as powerful.

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Sidious Speed Blitzs Cthulhu Fisto which means that Darth Sidious is one hundred trillion billion septillion times faster than light. And Jar Jar Binks is so much faster than Sidious that he appears to be moving in slow motion in Jar Jars perception. Clearly Jar Jar Binks is the fastest combatant here.

Dunkey's Dunkey Roll is undetectable by any foe.

That Dunkey Roll is quite impressive but seeing as how big Jar Jar Binks ears are, it is literally impossible to catch him off guard.

Dunkey's spin move can turn around battles even if death is imminent.

Jar Jar Binks once tanked being touched by Liam Neeson

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who is more powerful than Chuck Norris

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And as everyone knows Chuck Norris is beyond a universal level combatant

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Based on this evidence your puny spin will do nothing to Jar Jar Binks.

Dunkey holds the record for having killed the most killdest man of all time. Dunkey has broken this record on his own five times, killing a guy so hard that he is the most killdest guy in the entire galaxy universe forever infinity, and then killed another guy even harder than that.

That is quite impressive indeed, but Dunkey is not as masterful of a killer as Liam Neeson who Jar Jar Binks can tank attacks from.

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Dunkey throws Jeffery at a billion miles an hour (roughly the speed of light), then effortlessly kills a dinosaur the size of hundreds of galaxies.

I already provided proof of Jar Jar being indefinitely faster than the speed of light. I remain unimpressed by this display.

Dunkey has battled and defeated his rival Steinfield, a nuclear-powered robot alien capable of effortlessly destroying Hawaii and blasting Dunkey to the moon (which he survives), all in base form.

Simply destroying islands and blasting people to the moon? This is an opponent weaker than Darth Bane who Jar Jar is one million times more powerful than. How exactly does this prove anything other than Jar Jar can destroy Donkey by sneezing?

Dunkey moves so inconceivably fast to escape the Nuclear-Reactor-Super-Mega-Ultra Bomb that he shatters reality itself, warps through a space hula hoop and ends up at a pizza party, bringing Steinfield back to life.

Now this is quite impressive as it proves that Donkey is a high level reality warper but so is Jar Jar. Yeno how he is Darth Plagueis? Well he warped reality and now he is also Kylo Ren

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Steinfield's ultimate form, Mega Steinfield, wields a black hole in his mouth which Dunkey can resist the pull of. Mega Steinfield is also immune to the Brett Favre canon, growing to be one million times larger after absorbing the blow. After absorbing the blow Mega Steinfield is strong enough to casually destroy the universe by eating it.

Ultimate Mega Steinfield resists every attack that the gang throws at him, even regenerating after a combined attack from King Phil's Millenium Falcon missiles and Madden missiles and lasers.

Ultimately, this unfathomably-massively-larger-than-the-universe form of Ultimate Mega Steinfield battles Dunkey one-on-one. Dunkey tanks his Space Punch with no major damage and is capable of surviving the Super Steinfield Slam.

After a long battle, Dunkey gets bored and finally decides to use his signature move, the Dunkey Blast, totally destroying Steinfield with only a single blast

Another example of the signature Dunkey Blast, Dunkey is capable of destroying omniversal reality warpers using it.

Wow that is an extremely powerful attack! But Jar Jar Binks, who is Kylo Ren, has stopped attacks of this caliber before with his mind.

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Most impressively of all, Dunkey is capable of mercilessly criticizing our Preplord and Saviour Batman H. Christ, without being smited by Lord Chew. I don't think Jar-Jar has any feats even close to this level.

I would chalk this up to Dunkey just not being worthy of Batmans attention. Dunkey is a lowly universal level reality warper, Batman is a zillion times more powerful than that. If Batman chose to put every lowly child in his place he would no longer have any more time to one shot solo Galactus, blind folded with both of his arms and legs tied behind his back.

Gameplan:

Now I realize that Jar-Jar is powered by the Mainstream-Memeforce, a powerful force that allows him to get votes just on the basis that he's Jar-Jar Binks, but I hope that our dear readers will look past this natural force in the ComicVine universe in the name of Lord Chew and choose Dunkey, the fighter here who truly represents all that He stands for.

Now, Jar-Jar may have some impressive feats, making planet-level subordinates seem like child's play- but unfortunately for our Gungan mastermind, Dunkey can do the same thing to him. Dunkey's stats and feats are inconceivably above even Jar-Jar's as I have demonstrated, meaning that this battle will last only as long as Dunkey chooses.

Dunkey can blitz Jar-Jar to kingdom f*ck and back, hitting him with galaxy-level attacks as he chooses. If the fight drags on for too long he can simply end it with a Dunkey Blast.

Not a chance. Jar Jar has an answer for everything Dunkey is bringing to the table has a lot more raw power. Jar Jar Binks might take it easy on Dunkey just to let him think that he might win and then KABOOM Jar Jar blows up his thoughts!

And of course, if all else fails... He can always just kill him in one hit.

Actually, as the video I posted earlier points out, Jar Jar has very thick plot armor which will allow him to no sell any attack Dunkey throws his way. There is just no scenario in which Jar Jar looses.

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Your turn bro...

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#17 Posted by LlehDevil (7259 posts) - - Show Bio

Tag.