The Barry Ween wiki last edited by batkevin74 on 01/07/18 04:27AM View full history

Barry Ween was born smart. Not just a little smart, like self-awareness type smart in the womb.

For his own safety, he decided to hide just how smart he was, frustrated as his body caught up to his brain.

At eight months old he cannibalized a video camera and an Atari 2600 to make a high-powered telescope where he first encountered alien life; concluding they do exist and they’re jerks.

In kindergarten, around age 5-6, Barry tried to send an android to school in his place, but it flew into a rage whenever it saw Mr M of the Alphabet People. He also infected his dad with the Black Plague that he managed to cure down to influenza. It was around this time he met Jeremy Ramirez.

In first grade, Barry’s D-600 series of android would experience rapid follicle generation whenever it ate paste on a dare.

At some point Barry knocked the earth out of the Sun’s orbit, exposed his Aunt Rachel to a bio-engineered nerve gas that turned her into a giant ooze creature, made a short documentary on migrant farm workers in South America that won a silver medal in the Montreal Film Festival, stopped a cholera outbreak in New Zealand and gave some hippopotamus the breeding capabilities of rats.

When Barry was about 8 the T.I.M.M or Technical Intelligence Movement Monitor in Maryland started tracking technology that was being sent in and around the area where Barry lives.

On March 10th at 3.50pm, Barry accidentally created an interdimensional warp in his parent’s basement whilst working on another experiment. He called his best friend Jeremy Ramirez over, and another boy Eric Goldstein. He gave Eric $20 and the key to Eric’s dad’s study where he kept his stash of pornography, then he tied a rope around him and kicked him into the “great glowing vagina” to see what would happen. He pulled him out and questioned him to find that there was stars and monsters in there. Barry then injected Eric with a mixture of flunitrazepam to erase his memory.

Barry’s dad, Billy, came downstairs to investigate and was sucked into the warp. It eventually spat him out, regressing him down the evolutionary ladder to something like a Neanderthal/caveman. Billy swung upstairs, the warp got bigger and Barry made a call to somewhere specialising in odd technology who delivered to him, in 23 minutes mind you, some equipment for him to analyse/fix his problem. When Jeremy asked how he could afford this, Barry replied “Computer fraud and Swiss bank accounts.”

Returning to the house they found it filled with a variety of creatures due to the rip in the space-time continuum; and his mom and dad upstairs doing things parents do when children usually aren’t around. When one creature angrily questioned Barry, he blew the man’s head off with a plasma cannon. Barry put Jeremey in charge of the creatures while he went down to fix the problem. After scanning, plotting charts and a lot of thinking, Barry donned a space suit and leapt into the warp. He then threw a time bomb and hauled himself back out. He then ordered Jeremy to send all the creatures down into the basement. When they didn’t move fast enough Barry fired several shots from his plasma cannon to hurry them up.

Once they were all inside the warp, the device exploded and “PLOOP!” it vanished into nothing.

“That WAS anticlimactic!” Jeremy stated.

Barry then spent the next week cleaning out centaur faeces stains from the carpet and leaving his dad as a caveman, so his mom could enjoy “the good life.”

On April 18th Barry was working on a calorie free sugar substitute that he’d already made two of, but this one wouldn’t have any side effects or taste funny. Jeremy came over for a visit, he tested Barry’s voice activated food replicator but still all it would make was grits. Barry told Jeremy not too touch any of his stuff as he went down stairs for more beakers.

Jeremy, not satisfied with the grits, picked up a beaker full of purple syrup and drank it. It promptly turned him into 12ft anthropomorphic dinosaur. Barry returned and lost his temper at him telling him he’d drunk an accelerated growth and gene splice experiment. Jeremy asked for the antidote to which Barry yelled there wasn’t one because he didn’t expect anyone to drink it! Barry made Jeremy look out the window and came very close to executing his best friend. He injected Jeremy with a growth retardant and then got his parents out of the house using a voice modulator, some re-routed calls and a life size robot/power suit pretending to be his baby sitter. With his parents off at a show Barry set to work on fixing his friend.

Jeremy kept growing, Barry kept injecting growth retardant but nothing was working. So, Barry decided he’s clone Jeremy a new body. Jeremy asked if he could do that and Barry replied he’d cloned Mr Cage the gym teacher who needed to leave town and Barry needed a test subject.

Barry went to the Ramirez house to get some DNA and when Jeremy’s mom surprised him, so he shot her in the head with a neural disruptor. He returned home with the hairbrush of DNA and then spent the next 38 minutes cloning new bodies, ten to be exact, until he got a new Jeremy body. He then used a device to transfer all of Jeremy’s memories and brain patterns over to the new body which worked great, except now the dinosaur was now just a roaring beast with basic instinct grey matter who promptly went on a Jurassic style rampage.

Barry and Jeremy chased after the dinosaur in the family car, tracking it down to Serota Park. Barry was primed and ready to kill it, but Jeremy pleaded for it’s life. Barry swore, yelled and relented shooting the dinosaur with a tranquiliser instead but it only made it mad and it charged them! Barry fired several warning shots before lining up a kill shot; to which the dinosaur promptly succumbed to the tranquiliser and collapsed.

An hour later Barry had shrunk the dinosaur down to manageable lizard size and gave it to Jeremy to look after.

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