I see shows on the discovery channel and history channel laying claim that whatever show they currently have airing is in the fact the most dangerous job in the world: Ice Road Trucker, Lumberjack, Crab Fisherman, etc. I feel as though it’s being shoved down my throat. “The week on Ice Road Truckers: Inexperienced Jimmy has a 2 ton cargo and an icy road that could seal his fate. Will he meet his watery grave?” Pun-tastic! I recently overheard a conversation between students at my college debating what the most dangerous job is: the ones I stated above all got notable mentions. Until, I mentioned Aquaman. If you can’t breathe underwater, you’re dead. I thought about it, and other than the obvious “hero” and “villain” there are some ridiculously dangerous jobs in the comic book universe. Today, we’ll explore some of the more dangerous jobs within those universes and discuss why you should never be employed by certain companies.
Dictator of your own country
Being a dictator or leader in real life is tough enough. You have to deal with keeping the peace, trading, and other really boring things. In the comic book world, you are constantly wondering, “Is anyone with super powers going to blow me up today?” The answer is most likely yes, someone is going to try and end your reign of terror in the most horrible of ways. Usually, it’s an end-all-be-all type of explosion: A mass genocide of you and your people. How do you protect yourself against such advances? You have a couple of choices.
The first choice isn’t really a choice. You have to have incredible super-powers, where you in fact are already a weapon against the enemy. They must be scared of you. OR you can lie, let them THINK you have these powers and you may be crazy enough to destroy the whole world.
The other choice is simple; attack them before they can attack you. Use your army to blow them up! However, this will almost always end badly for you. I’m sure one of the super-hero teams will come together to beat you into the dirt… Thanks Ultimate X-Men/Ultimate Avengers.
Newspaper Employee
This is, by far, the most dangerous job in any comic book universe. Not only do you have to worry about being kidnapped, blown up, shot in the head,
and paper cuts, but you still have to get the scoop on the story. Let’s not forget that almost all your stories within this universe in some way involve super-heroes and villains. So when you’re on the hunt for that front page scoop, Green Goblin is chucking pumpkin bombs at you. Even if you run the newspaper you still have to worry about buyouts from other companies? Not dangerous enough? How about getting kidnapped on a weekly basis? By kidnapping number 40 you’re pretty sure you’ll survive the ordeal, until number 41 when the serial killer turned super villain threatens to slice your neck… OUCH! Again, we can look at just being a mild-mannered reporter. You may think it’s all fun and games… until you transform into a giant beast of some sort. Will you ever change back? Who knows? But you better make sure to put up a good fight when you do change because EVERYONE will be gunning for you.
Lacky
Ever want to work for a major corporation only to find out you work for someone like A.I.M. or Hydra? DON’T DO IT! The position of “lacky” has a laundry
list of ways to die. If I were to mention them all, it would be the longest thing I’ve ever written. It’s pretty much self-explanatory: You’re working for a corporation that is going to have a bunch of villains or heroes burst through the door, and they’re going to probably shoot you in the chest. You will die next to everyone else and your bodies will be burned. Next, the corporation will tell your family you disappeared and your family will spend their remaining days searching the globe for you, but you’re already ashes. It is a sad, meaningless existence, but at least you get to wear a really cool uniform! On the brighter side of things, sometimes your boss is a giant floating head with a name that's an acronym. You and the boys can giggle around the water-cooler during your government enforced 30 minute lunch break about how bad your bosses suit must smell since he probably can't take it off or that he has tiny feet compared to the size of the rest of his body. Better yet, you could be offed by a James Bond type character that may say something witty like, "you look tired...have a seat" as he snaps your neck then politely puts you in a chair.
Girlfriend
Ok, so it’s not really a job…. Sue me. However, this “job” is still quite dangerous; especially if your boyfriend is named Kyle Rayner or Peter Parker.
Take your pick: Brooklyn Bridge or in the fridge. (Hey! That rhymed!) Doesn’t matter you will die. The same thing doesn’t apply to boyfriends since 95% of the time, the boyfriend is also a super-hero/villain and can handle their own. (Just like that delight of a film starring Luke Wilson and Uma Thurman, My Super Ex-Girlfriend! Now available to own on DVD!)
If you're the lover of a potential super-hero here's what's going to happen:
- His arch-enemy is eventually gonna find out who he is, whether it be by using superior reasoning skills or just following the hero home in his 86 Civic.
- When that happens, he's going to do one of two things. Kidnap you or kill you. You better hope for the first part.
- The the villain is going to take you, as bait, to his hideout most likely and lure the hero there.
- The hero comes in, beats the bad guy, and you get saved with minor scarring and a whole bunch of trauma that will haunt you for the rest of your life.
- After this is over, start from the beginning.
Hopefully, you'll just be kidnapped over and over and over again, instead of being killed. You'll most likely end up going insane and getting locked into an asylum, only to become a super-villain later, stalking your ex-boyfriend, (Just like that wonderful movie I mentioned earlier!) or you'll kill yourself. Being a woman in the comic book universe is awful. Here are my suggestions for those of you who are stuck there. LEAVE. LEAVE NOW. Find a Reed Richards type character and have him send you to another dimension. Actually, that's my only suggestion.
All right, there you have it... The worst jobs, that I could think of, in the comic book world. What do you guys think? Any jobs you think are worse?
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