Warning: Avoid science at all cost. It will only bring you disharmony.

Spidey gets attacked a lot, but he has to break the chains of oppression

even when he's lying down, beaten battered and bruised, he's standing up

standing up for something,

armor plated, slinging webs

strong as steel

dodging lizards, boxing goblins,

stomping rhinos. brutalizing kingpins,

vermin, and eaters of sin

spider man can do anything

with precision and accuracy

    he factually <br>

has superhuman agility

and the ability to foresee

an attack from his enemy

(except this one dude named Eddy)

they hate each other but sometimes are friendly

like when maximum carnage

threatens to tarnish

the image

of your friendly neighborhood good guy

introducing the return of the all new

annual, giant sized

crossover, variant cover

limited time offer

one hundredth special issue

when reading spider-man you might want to bring a tissue

there's a lot of death and tragedy

kind of sad you see....

with great power, comes great responsibility

kill em off, resurrect them

kill them off, resurrect them

grandmother, girlfriend, colleague, villain

impostors, symbiotes and clones of him

you bet spidey's out lived all of them.

for him to live so long he's got to be the definition of perfection

who knew spiders had grim reeper detection

ultimate, unlimited,

spectacular, sensational,

and don't forget amazing

he batters his nemesis as his fist move with blazing

velocity

constantly

he's got to be

in all probability

bullet proof.

leaps from the street to the roof.

so quickly and gracefully

to get caught in the web of death and escape so frequently

must really suck after a while

80 issues a year for half century

he'll eventually

be a hundred and thirty three

and disrupt the whole time-space continuity

cause ya see

back in 93

there used to be

this monthly magazine

called spider-man 2099,

        which I never read<br>        Anyway, there's a point to be said:<br>                Let Spidey rest already.

I was in a gang when I was 14. We never really got into any scraps, we just rolled deep and intimidated the other kids at school. Well one day me and my boy Pablo were chillin' on the street sippin' on some slushies, I had the blue, he had the red, god I love slushies. Anyway we're sitting on the steps of this abandoned projects house and this biker guy pulls up in front of us on his bike. He gets off the bike, walks over next to the stairs we're sitting on and starts pissing right next to us. We get mad cuz now it smells like piss and we really can't enjoy our slushies. So we start yelling at the guy and start giving him a hard time, this is our turf, we're gonna f--- you up.... stuff like that. We were so young. So angry. So foolish. We start ragging on this guy, telling him his mom looks like Janet Reno if Janet Reno had a douchebag for a son, and that sets this dude off. He pulls out a knife. My boy Pablo freaks out for a second and I tell him to chill. I tell the biker guy that we don't want any trouble, then I threw my slushy cup in his face so he can't see. I'm on the fourth step up and have the height advantage at the moment, so I kick him right in the teeth. I think I broke three of them. The biker guy falls backwards. I jump down off the stairs and step on his wrist with my left foot and kick the knife out of his hand with my right. Pablo hops down and starts kicking the the guy in the ribs.

This guy is a lot older and bigger than us and manages to push us off of him enough so he can put his fingers in his mouth and pull off one of those ear piercing soccer mom whistles. Next thing we know, we hear the roar of motorcycles from around the block. Five guys all pull around the corner on bikes, each one looking more pissed off than the other. They circle around me, Pablo and Mr. No Tooth on their bikes. I was going to crap my pants. After what seemed like an eternity, they stop their bikes and get off. I thought I was going to die right then and there. All of a sudden, I hear Pablo screaming, but it wasn't really a scream. It was more like a battle cry. He ran over to one of the bikers, jumped up, grabbed him by the vest AND BIT THE DUDE'S NOSE OFF! I realized then that we had to fight. Both Pablo and Mr. No Nose's face were covered in blood. Pablo spit out the nose like he was some vicious animal.

I kick the guy in front of me in the nads. He leans forward in agony giving me a chance to uppercut him in the throat. I run over to the next guy, but he is expecting me. I get knocked to the ground with a stiff backhand. He hit me hard, but what hurt more was the skinned knee I got, it went through the jeans. They jeans were fine, my knee was not. Defeated, I look up to see that one of the other biker's is holding Pablo in the air by his collar. Pablo futilely kicking and punching trying to loosen the large man's grip.

I thought we were goners for sure. But then I heard the sweetest sound to ever pass through my ear canal. It was the soft hum of a dirt bike in the distance. From down the street I can see my boy Diego on a dirt bike he stole from the principal's house the week before. He drove right up to us like a bat out of hell. Diego got right up close to Pablo and his captor, then popped a wheelie. The front tire of the bike hits the big guy in the face and rips half the guy's face off. The guy drops Pablo. Diego tells Pablo to hop on the back of the bike. Diego pulls up next to where I'm lying on the ground and pulls out a Molotov cocktail he made the night before. He lights it up and throws it at the feet of the guy that knocked me down. The man is set ablaze. I scramble to my feet, Diego tosses me a skateboard he stole from his neighbor. I get on it and hold on to the back of the bike. We drive off and never hear from Mr. No Teeth, Mr. No Nose, Mr. No Nads, Mr. No Face and Mr. No Skin ever again.

After that day I swore off gangs and group fights... and slushies.

Captain America vs Batman

Cap's fighting skills are raw, fast and direct. Batman would try to do some lame ass spinning back kick, meanwhile Cap already elbowed him in the face eight times and made Bats lick his boots. But Cap wouldn't even need to do that because Batman's problem is that he needs to use theatrics to 'strike fear in the hearts of his enemies,' so he dresses up like it's Halloween and has stupid accessories like a cape and pointy handle bars on the top of his head. You think a man who has took on the Nazis and the likes of the Incredible Hulk and lead the Avengers is going to be scared off by some trust fund baby that likes to play dress up? Cap would school him by showing him the basic rule that you shouldn't wear anything that can be grabbed in a fight that isn't a clip on. Cap would beat Emo Richy Rich to a pulp.

This is how it would go:

Batman would throw one of his sissy batarangs. Cap would just stand there and let it hit him, rip it out of his shoulder and toss it on the ground. Cap would toss the shield and knock Batman on his ass. Batman would get up, but not before Cap rushes over and grabs Bats by the horns and knees him in the face. Batman's nose is gushing red stuff, but he's not completely deterred. Batman swings at Cap, but Cap ducks the punch and slides behind him. He grabs Batman by his stupid cape and wraps it around his throat and chokes him out. Cap would wait for Batman to regain conscious so he can tell him that he needs to take his vitamins, pay his taxes and stop being such a loser.