THE PHANTOM VS. A WEIRD GIRL HOLDING HER UMBRELLA WHICH MIGHT WHISTLE
chapter 1
The Phantom, that courageous concept, The Ghost Who Walks, trudges trough the waistdeep of trouble (it) finds (it)self in!!!
The Phantom speaks: "I'm the Phantom...but which one of them...?"
There's a weird girl holding an umbrella. She dresses in timeless clothing, and she dances a timeless dance, and her umbrella spins by itself in her hand. She isn't timeless herself. She's 7. She sings an artificially generated My Chemical Romance-style cover of a nursery rhyme that does sound familiar, but nobody quite recognizes. She has a face but it's blurry.
The Phantom speaks: "Please, girl, tell me who I am."
The girl doesn't answer. Just dances and sings. And lightly smiles??? Maybe because she likes her song.
The Phantom speaks: "At least tell me if I'm a man or a woman."
Girl doesn't say anything, but Phantom hears words hanging in the air nonetheless, that definitely come from another person.
But only you can know that. Do you feel like man or a woman or someone else?
The Phantom speaks: "I don't know. That's not what I meant. I meant what do I look like."
The girl pauses her dance (I guess...?) and takes out a magnifying glass, and grouches on to her knees in the miniature Berlin Wall, and looks at The Phantom intently, for several minutes and/or seconds.
Sorry, I don't know how to answer you.
The Phantom speaks: "Why did I start feeling this way...?"
I don't know. Sorry.
Chapter 2
The Phantom is in this state of perplexedness for...5 years? Trying to live their life. Sleeping, eating, not really knowing how to fight crime. The girl with the umbrella is their roommate for all this time.
5 years? Really, for 5 years? No, no it can't have been that long right?
After the 5 (?) years (?) The Phantom, ONCE AGAIN, tries their damnedest to figure out why they feel this way.
Why don't I know who I am !?!? exclaims The Phantom with agonizing frustration!!!
The Phantom tells themself to calm down for f*cks sake! Calm down, calm down, concentrate.
"Concentrate. Concentrate. Who am I? Who am I??"
But even though The Phantom wishes, they can't figure out who they are.
And they go back to living in unknowingness.
The Phantom sleeps, eats. Doesn't fight crime. The girl is their roommate.
Chapter 3
After an undeterminable length of time passes, The Phantom, ONCE AGAIN, tries their damnedest to figure out why they feel this way.
Why don't I know who I am !?!? exclaims The Phantom with agonizing frustration!!!
The Phantom tells themself to calm down for f*cks sake! Calm down, calm down, concentrate.
"Concentrate. Concentrate. Who am I? Who am I??"
But even though The Phantom wishes, they can't figure out who they are.
And they go back to living in unknowingness.
The Phantom sleeps, eats. Doesn't fight crime. The girl is their roommate.
Chapter 4
After an undeterminable length of time passes, The Phantom, ONCE AGAIN, tries their damnedest to figure out why they feel this way.
Why don't I know who I am !?!? exclaims The Phantom with agonizing frustration!!!
The Phantom tells themself to calm down for f*cks sake! Calm down, calm down, concentrate.
"Concentrate. Concentrate. Who am I? Who am I??"
But even though The Phantom wishes, they can't figure out who they are.
And they go back to living in unknowingness.
The Phantom sleeps, eats. Doesn't fight crime. The girl is their roommate.
Chapter 73
It has been 10 (???) years (???????) The Phantom, ONCE AGAIN, tries their damnedest to figure out why they feel this way.
Why don't I know who I am !?!? exclaims The Phantom with agonizing frustration!!!
The Phantom tells themself to calm down for f*cks sake! Calm down, calm down, concentrate.
The Phantom is silent.
The Phantom realizes something. That's the wrong question to ask. The Phantom realizes the question they should ask.
The Phantom speaks, in a hushed tone: "When did I start feeling this way?"
The Phantom looks at the girl with the umbrella. The girl is making burnt crepés.
The Phantom speaks: "Ever since I met you, I've not known who I am. I'm sure it's you. I am asking you to leave. Right now. So I can have my life back."
The girl pauses. The crepés burn on the frying pan. She turns off the stove, and takes the pan off from the stove. She disappears in a puff of smoke. Or fades away like the setting sun.
And with her dissappearance, recollection occurs to The Phantom. The smog of unrelenting insecurity clears up. And the more it clears up the better The Phantom feels.
The Phantom stands sturdy.
Then The Phantom starts bawling and crashes to the floor. Crying voluptuous tears of relief.
The Phantom wants to shout: "I AM ME!!! AFTER ALL THIS TIME (how long has it been?) I AM ME AGAIN!!! I WAS ALWAYS ME!!! I JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT!!!"
The Phantom can't shout right now. The crying is too strong.
Chapter 74
The Phantom, after having stopped crying, scrapes the crepés off the pan.
A cockatoo flies in to the Skull Cave and drops a sealed envelope, which The Phantom catches thanks to his supreme reflexes and the cockatoo flies back in to the trees.
The Phantom opens the envelope sealed with pink glittery candlewax, and takes out the letter in it. The letter has been written with an ordinary pen. The Phantom reads the letter.
I will give you, the reader, the chance to read it too. Here is the text of the letter:
I'm sorry Phantom. I didn't realize I was hurting you.
I have that effect on people. They forget who they are, what they want, where they've come from, what has happened to them. At least for the most part, they forget.
I'm very happy that you noticed that my company was causing you ill, because gods know I would've never noticed myself.
I promise you I will work on this. That I will learn to get better at noticing when my presence is making people forget who they are.
To fix my error, I have given you back most of the time you lost while you were in my company. The things that happened and the things you did during that time still happened, but in about a span of a day or two something. That's the best I could do, I apologize.
I wish you the best in your remaining days.
Yours,
That weird girl with the sometimes-whistling-umbrella
The Phantom tucks the letter back in to the envelope, and takes it to his trophy room, and puts it inside his Filing Cabinet of Memories. He exits the trophy room
He finishes cleaning the pan. He throws the crepés in the garbage. He walks to his skull-throne, and sits on it, to contemplate the mysteries of human identities.
End
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