By God_Spawn 80 Comments
Yo, yo, yo, bros. It's D-Midge and Gee-$ with another edition of Swole your Role. Where we turnin your YOLO into SWOLO. We got the answers to the hottest questions, so let's get right to it.
"How often should I do legs?"
GS: Bro. Bro. Bro. You don't need to do legs. You just need to focus on chest, biceps, and shoulders, bro. Girls don't care about overall appearance. Girls don't hang on ya legs and go "man, them thighs be sexy." They don't go "Them calves are hot." Bro, you be wearin' shorts anyway. It don't matter. You need to do bench press and curls every day. You wake up, first thing you do is bench and curl. You get that pump started early. When you feel that pump fadin, do more curls. Carry a bag with ya. Keep some a dem weights in the bag and curl til you get them veins poppin.
DM: Legs? Waitaminute, waitaminute, waitaminute... *gives look of distress* Bruh, you ever seen Hugh Jackedman or Superman work out their legs? Nah bruh and you know why? Because the ladies only check out that upper body man! They don't care for your legs! They want to be drooling all over your swole pecs and your tree-trunk biceps son!
But hold up... I only make one exception. Bodacious buttchecks. Yeah, that's right. I work them lunges and squats not for my legs but to get a rock hard behind you feeling me?
"How do I lift more in my workouts?"
GS: Yo, bro. I'll break it down step by step for ya.
- Wear a muscle shirt. It is scientifically proven by scientists or something that if you wear a muscle shirt, you can lift more. It's called a muscle shirt for a reason, bro. You don't wanna wear that T-shirt. You know what else starts with T? Tits, bro. You don't want them flabby man tits, you want pecs. You know what else starts with P? Pump. And as a meathead you want that pump. It's ya goal. A pec is a muscle, hence muscle shirt. See? Science, bro. I would know, I'm a masstrophysicist.
- Pace around the machine or weights you're usin'. You're an animal. You stalk that b*tch like it's a piece of meat and you're hungry. You're hungry for the pump.
- Slap your face. Get psyched. Growl. Let everyone know who is the king, you are. You lift the weight, bro, the weight don't lift you.
- Scream when you move the weight and make a face. When you scream, adrenaline gets goin' and by making a face, you be activatin more muscle fibers in ya body at once. Science, bro. More muscles recruited=more weight= bigger pump. Duh.
DM: Eh man, my bro over here pretty much covered the basics for all you gents (and ladies) who want to get swole. People like to tell you that it's about proper training and diet and all that fancy, schmancy nonsense. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Man, all you have to do is workout for HOURS ON END. You lift that weight until you tore every muscle in your body and then you keep lifting it! But as Gee-$ laid it out, you have to rep the proper attire! Ain't no walking in with some goofy shoes and special shirts. NAH! You rip off that shirt in the middle of your damn set! Look like an animal, work out like an animal. Bruh's be mirin the entire time, BELIEVE THAT!
"How much cardio should I do?"
GS: Pfft, cardio? Yo, D-Midge, ya see this question? Cardio. Hah. Only two kinds of people do cardio: chicks and uhh....well, marathon runners or some sh*t. But you ain't a chick or a marathon runner, you're a man, bro. Bros don't run, they lift.
DM: I see it bruh... I ain't never seen the nerve of someone bringing up this cardio in my business. Eh man, you like cardio? That's fine but if you want to make dem gains and get swoooollllleeeee, STOP HITTING THAT CARDIOOOOOO! Ain't nothing worse than a blood pumping pec bananza only to ruin it with some pathetic muscle burning sessions of cycling or stairmaster. Get up off my land son. Ain't nobody got time for that.
"When is the best time for protein?"
GS: Bro, when ISN'T the best time for protein, bro? Anytime is good for brotein. You got muscles that need feedin, you feed them that brotein. Start ya day after that bench with 20 raw eggs. Slam that sh*t down and you good. Lunch rolls around, whatcha gonna do? Eat brotein. Eat dat steak. Put it in ya pocket. You eat it on the go since you a On-The-Go-Bro. 2 PM rolls around, you hungry yet? You should be. You shoulda set that protein clock. Slam a shake. Hell, slam 3. Get them shakes. You a machine, son. Feed it that fuel ya need to be a hot rod.
DM: Eh man listen, you eat at every opportune moment and when- Oh the hell with these fancy, big words! Man, you eat that protein during your workout, before your workout, after your workout! When you're driving, sleeping, working! You don't eat that protein, dem gains be slipping away as we speak bruh!
"What should I eat to get big?"
GS: You need a steady diet of eggs, dead animals like ya cows, chickens, and pigs, and the nightly intake of beer and patr'on. Real bros drink patron. You don't seem them skinny kids and chubby dudes drinkin patron, bro. You only see bros.
DM: Anything bruh. Grab anything you find, it's all just protein, carbs and fats. Ain't no thing as food groups baby! Ain't no picky picky with this! You see some of that cheap Mcky Dee's? You buy seven of them big macs. Dem gains be coming faster than you believe bruh! You buying a pizza? Better make that two just for you! That's how you get big and swole.
And there you have, bros, and brodettes. You now have the necessary tools and knowledge to get big. Have a nice day, and remember, Swole your Role!!