By Connoisseur 15 Comments
The mercurial Spaniard's rules for characters who want to work or team up with him:
"If by the chance I do not ignore you ninos, I have a cast a number of rules for you to follow if you wish to associate yourself with me"
- You will always be the sidekick: Senors and senoras, you must understand this perfectly. I am the boss, I am the leader, you are the follower. Because I have more charisma than there are stars in the night sky, you can only be the sidekick. If you do as you are told, I will let you jump on my back like a cartoon squirrel whenever I inevitably succeed in whatever endeavor you choose to aid me in.
- Look good: Even my immortal style and perfection cannot tolerate the presence of one who lacks any sense of style. You are not allowed to look like one of the Bee Gees while within sixty feet of me.
- You cannot have a ponytail: This rule applies only for the men. While I no longer have a ponytail, you are not allowed to have one. My ponytail was a symbol of my aristocratic flair, animalistic power, elegance, and a functional whip attached to the back of my head. If you break this rule, I will regrow my ponytail and choke you with its follicular brawn.
- Do not interfere: This should be on the top of my list, it is not because I shouldn't have to mention it at all. When you see that I am engaging an opponent in combat, do not interfere, you will only get in the way. You have three choices. One, you can stand on the sidelines and gaze upon the magnificence with which I dismantle our opposition. Two, you may act as my cheerleader and praise me as I showcase my martial panache. Three, if you do succumb to the desire to be near me and interfere, douse yourself in lighter fluid and set yourself on fire to avoid me inevitably using my technology to send you into a singularity.
- If I ask how you are doing, just say 'fine': This is because, I do not really care what is going on in your life. I am simply asking for the sake of social obligation and saying words to avoid awkwardness. If you are doing good or bad, that is fine, simply write down on a paper what has happened, and subsequently toss it into a volcano because I do not care.
- I will taunt you for my own amusement: Another one that is only for the men, Clara Mass being the exception. For this, you do not have to do anything. It is simply a warning. It is going to happen. I will verbally belittle you. It is how I show my friendship. And disgust.
- Shinigami and ShadowSwordmaster are now your mortal enemies: That thing killed my fiancee, so you are either with me or against me in my goal to destroy him. ShadowSwordmaster has joined Shinigami and therefore you must aid me in making him rust his pants. Because your level of intelligence is too low to comprehend the intricacy of my holographic projections, you will instead be forced to sit through my five and a half hour PowerPoint presentation detailing why you must join me. And if I make a snide remark about Clara Mass, you must agree with it.