Oh now here's a good one: two idiots walk into a mausoleum...
"Jeff, can you please explain to me why you do these things? Or at least why you decided to drag me along? You told me we were gonna be sight seeing, but instead we're over a dozen feet under the sand exploring a Mastaba." The casual complaining that came out of the burly man's mouth as he followed close behind his shorter companion through the dark of a catacomb was soon ended by a loud shush.
Spinning around and shining the light of his cellphone in his friend's face, Jeff was quick to give an sarcastically offended response. "Hey now, that's Dr. Jeffery Summers to you! Award winning Archaeologist!" The young man said with a tip of the hat on his head... suspiciously similar to a certain explorer who'd last discovered a shiny skull.
"And for the record, I'm doing this for you! The money we'll get from this place will set us up for life! Then we'll be real archaeologists!" Jeffery continued, before turning back around and continuing his march through the dusty halls that likely haven't been seen by humans for thousands of years... but his friend, we'll call him Bob, only snorted.
"Just because we might sell what we find to a museum doesn't mean we're not still grave robbers. You need a degree and a licence to be considered legit, I'm pretty sure." Of course, Jeffery was too busy wandering off and checking out chambers for loot to pay notice of his friend's mocking. And by the third chamber, he yelled out in excitement.
Quickly catching up to see what his companion had found, the burly man's eyes went wide as his phone's light illuminated a room filled with treasures and artifacts; and at the center, a sarcophagus. It was the last sight he'd expected... were they really the first to come here looking for treasure? "Hey, man! Come look at this thing!"
Bob turns, blinking at the sight of his friend holding what at first glance might look like a clay cat statue of some sort... only to realize it was a very real cat. A mummified one.
"Jesus Christ, put that thing down! You could probably get a disease from it." Bob urged, unnerved by the idea of a holding a very dead animal like he was. But Jeffery, our wonderful charismatic friend, he doesn't take the warning seriously whatsoever; casually examining the carefully wrapped feline. "I really doubt diseases can survive thousands of years on a dead cat, Bob." Oh... it seems his name really was Bob!
Seemingly satisfied with his examination of the animal, he haphazardly dropped it back onto the ground as he would a paperweight... visibly surprised when he heard what sounded like a crunch from it's landing. As it turns out, thousand year old corpses aren't the most solid things; it's brittle bones undoubtedly broke from the fall, and now it's bandages were hanging much more loosely... almost unraveled on the floor.
"... meh, whatever, who'd wanna buy the cat when we still have the person right here?" Jeffery shrugged patting the sarcophagus... until he heard another crunch.
Both men turned to look over at the corpse one of them had oh so rudely disrespected, only to see it violently tearing through it's bonds and trying to stand up, in a way that was very... not corpse-like. For lack of better terms. Don't look at me, I'm just the narrator!
Of course, our two heroes were frozen in fear and awe as they watched a creature that had been bandaged up for the better half of four thousand years claw it's way out from the wrappings that had apparently kept it imprisoned, and when Jeffery finally grows brave (and stupid) enough to take a step forwards and reach in it's direction...
The bonds fell completely off and the feline leaped at his hand, biting a finger right off and letting the poor boy fall backwards. By this moment, Bob had gotten the wits that staying wasn't a good idea and already fled from the chamber... leaving his 'friend' to his fate. Which, let's face it, is most likely death. Like, 95% chance.
A few minutes Jeffery spent doing nothing but screaming and rolling around in shock in pain, having lived a life where he'd never hurt a finger; much less lost one. And as he did, the beast that took it consumed the small morsel it had taken... clearly very hungry.
And after that? Well, Jeffery still wasn't paying attention, but the starving feline began to grow and change; several more cracks of a well-stiffened skeleton ringing in the air.
A matter of fact, Jeff didn't decide to look up from his wallowing torment until the noises stopped... shakily grabbing his phone off the ground to shine it forwards; eyes widening as his eyes fell on pretty much the last thing he'd expected out of this whole adventure.
"Mmm... nothing quite like breakfast right out of bed, right friend? Would've preferred something a bit more tasteful, but beggars can't be choosers." The being spoke through a yawn, cleaning himself of of any blood that might be left from the mess.
And of course, guess who was still very much speechless? You're right, it's Jeffery.
The cat didn't seem all too upset by his silence; it was very much expected, and even somewhat appreciated. The last thing he had time for was meaningless banter with some blubbering fool now that he was free, after all. Many much more important and much more entertaining things were on his to-do list now... like getting out of this tomb.
"... I suppose you deserve some kind of reward for freeing me, right?" The unnatural being asked, standing up and dusting himself off; and sure enough the mention of a reward got Jeffery's full attention real quick, pain seeming to disappear as he stood up as well. "Yes, well, I'm not a D'Jinn, so there are no wishes for you... but what I can grant you is time." Jeffery blinked at the offer, holding his still bleeding hand and very clearly about to ask what the cat-person meant by it.
Which he seemed to notice, thankfully enough, continuing before Jeff could ask his dumb questions. "Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds to make your way out the long way, before I make my own much faster exit."
Without waiting for an answer, the otherworldly being created an glowing orb in his hands; sucking in the surrounding air and converting it to colorful plasma at his whim, focusing on the energy rather than the human... who, thankfully, got the message and ran as fast as his legs could carry his wounded self.
... and the minute he was out of sight, the god tossed the orb haphazardly behind him; catching it with his tail as he casually walked over to the sarcophagus at the center of the stone chamber; stick a claw underneath the stone of the lid and flicking it off effortlessly.
Revealing a mummy still adorned with fancy Egyptian clothing that had stood the test of time, sealed away and untouched for thousands of years. The Pharaoh that owned him.
Which meant that clothing belonged to him now.
Ripping the corpse of his long dead owner out of his coffin, the god took the clothes off his bandaged body and tossed the dead waste aside; adorning himself in them quickly.
... it's been thirty seconds, right? Must've been. The fool was surely out by now.
With a casual flick of his tail, he sends the orb of plasma to the ceiling and let's loose an explosive blast that would free him from this decrepit mausoleum and wipe it from existence in the process... and likely anyone who happened to be nearby, too.
Oh well.
Log in to comment