The Prankster #1

Warning: Violence.

"Fifth rich guys house and still not cought! I'm on a roll this week!" William Craker said to himself. He'd already taken five million dollars. About one million from each house. He intentionally aimed for the hard ones, this last was just for show as he was running out of challanges. He'd also known exactly who to go to. Not all in the same state or even neighbors but after a good deal of surveillance beforehand he'd found out just the right targets. People being blackmailed, people buying and/or selling illegal drugs or items. Or people who just did not trust a bank enough. He'd past the last defense systems with ease which had lasers, motion detectors, silent alarms, cold steel vaults, and finger print recognition. Last one was being blackmailed and was about to pay. William got in by using an EMP and turning off any incoming power so nothing else could ho off. He'd managed to cut into the breaker box before so it wasn't all that hard. Some thieves will try and get past the system. But sometimes it was just better to get a vulnerable point. Why was he doing all this? Two reasons, because he could, and because he wanted to buy a certain naval ship and the equipment and money to keep it for the rest of his life. Of course he'd have to leave America to do it but he didn't mind that.

This one was a but smaller. Two floors. It had an old look to it. A place where you'd feel out of place unless in a suit. Never the less it appeared hardly protected, to his level of skill, except maybe some moderate to difficult protection. Were he an average theif he'd have been cought already but he'd been able to mislead the police on various occasions.

He'd studied the house recently and knew where all the alarms were. There was one spot that didn't have it and that was a small window that would hardly even be seen on the inside. It was between two parts of the roof and opened into the living room which had motion detectors and lasers. Luckily for him if he stayed close to the ceiling it wouldn't detect him. People don't usually appear in the middle of the living roof floating in the air.

He snuck through a nearby tree and leaped gracefully onto the roof. He then removed the window by cutting into it and using a suction to pull it out without breaking it. He slipped through and swung against the rope he'd attached outside sending himself into the dining room but using his acrobatics to cling to the doorway. He began to creep across the walls when suddenly and enormous clown monster leapt out with a blood curdling scream and a dead womans still screaming head. In terror Willaim dropped to the floor breaking an arm before stumbling to the door which was opened by another of these terrifying clowns holding the spinal column and a leg. He shot through the door racing down the street as the clowns waved. That is until he noticed the red and blue lights. He found himself quickly cuffed.

William stuttered and looked around seeing more cops apparently waiting for him.

"Th...th...clowns!" He stuttered in horror looking back. Then he noticed it. The clowns were quite fake. Just people dressed in large clown costumes and a robotic head and rubber body.

Somehow not only had Simon predicted his target he'd found his phobia, coulrophobia. Fear of clowns. And had elected to exploit it.

"You can think Simon for that," The cop said frowning, "I didn't expect he'd get so drastic but then again sometimes I question his stability. Mentally that is. He warned us that you'd be running out of this house but he neglected to tell us when you'd arrive. So we weren't prepared." Then he looked at the theif and pointed to the car, "Get inside."

"But...how...wh..what?!" He said obeying and mentally stressed.

"Don't ask. We don't know how he does it. Turns out he knew the guy you were gonna rob and warned him as well as told him his plan." The cop said getting in.

In the corner of his eye William cought a glimpse of the famous thinker. A six foot tall forty-seven year old with a shaved head and a grey suit and fedora, leaning against a tree and giving a mock salute to the would be robber.

(Ideas, corrections, etc. This is my first try at Simon but before he does any real work. I'm thinking I should give a feel for the character before I show his abilities and skill. But soon it will have to come up.)

@admirallogic:When it said "The Prankster," I thought it might mean the DC villain. It's not though, so okay. A few thoughts:

You overhyped the "disturbing images" warning. As weird as it is to say, two clowns with parts of the same person is kind of tame 'round these parts. We write wicked comic villains all the time, and in trying to outdo previous feats, their villainy tends to get darker and darker. So a body part here, a country full of them there... <shrugs> it happens. It may have been more shocking if you hadn't prepped the reader at the beginning for what was implied to be multiple disturbing, violent images. After that warning, it was just like, "Oh, that's all?" because it was over quickly, and was the only one.

Maybe try just an explanation of "violence," and let the reader's mind do the rest. I tend to clarify my warnings: "violence- gun, knife, and murder." Then the reader knows what they're getting into. It's a handhold for those too delicate to read anything outside of their comfort zone, and those that would consider it a spoiler probably don't look at the rating explanation before diving into the story anyway.

Next:

This one was a but smaller. Two floors. It had an old look to it. A place where you'd feel out of place unless in a suit. Never the less it appeared hardly protected except maybe some moderate to high protection. This guys was used to intense.

He'd studied the house recently and knew where all the alarms were. There was one spot that didn't have it and that was a small window that would hardly even be seen on the inside. It was between two parts of the roof and opened into the living room which had motion detectors and lasers.

"hardly protected except maybe some moderate to high protection." Pick one. The way you're saying it, it has no security, but a lot, which is sort of an oxymoron. I think you meant to be comparing it to previous houses. I would edit it a little:

This one was a bit smaller. Two floors, and it had an old look to it- the type of place where you'd feel out of place without a suit. Compared to the previous jobs, this one was easy pickings, but it still had plenty of security.

I shouldn't nitpick this, but the security setup bothered me, as I used to monitor for an alarm company. By lasers, I assume you meant trip beams, and those would be set low, which would allow your thief to swing in undetected. Motion detectors usually have a wider setting though, and will pick up stupid stuff like large pieces of dust in the air, curtains or paper blowing in the breeze from the air conditioner, or depending on how close they are to the sensor, spiders or flies passing in front of them. Motion detectors can be set so that they don't detect anything below a certain level, in case the homeowner has dogs or cats (not as much of a guarantee with cats, the way they like to climb), but they should pick up anything else in the room if they're positioned properly. Even if they are set so the family pooch doesn't set it off, you still have a dog or dogs to contend with. I would assume rich folks are going to pay to have them positioned properly.

Another thing is the cops waiting for the thief. If they know a robbery is going to happen, they're not going to let Simon put up an elaborate trap of two fake clowns on the assumption that it will scare the thief out of the house. It could potentially endanger anyone inside, and the police are already aware that this thief has successfully robbed four other homes in the past week. Your victims aren't gone from the home, because your thief has been casing the place- part of that is learning the homeowner's routines, so he knows the best time to strike. If the homeowner left at an odd time, he'll know something's off and not go in. So the police are going to ask the homeowner to go to bed as normal, and then be very nearby- inside if possible to do so undetected- so as to catch the thief early and protect them from potential harm. Even more likely, an officer will be posing as the homeowner, so your victims could be gone from the home.

I nitpick these things, because this is a pitfall that the Internet has dubbed PIS- Plot Induced Stupidity. It's a harsh way of saying an author just wrote things the most convenient way to make the character look good, without really thinking about whether it made sense. What makes sense here? Five different rich guys have upwards of a million dollars in their homes, rather than in the bank? Possible. Badly designed house with window in a vulnerable spot? Likely. Inadequate security for the house with a million dollars in it? Improbable. Thief with skills to beat security? Of course, but he's not just swinging in on a rope in front of motion sensors. Cops standing by idly while consultant (even super genius consultant) rigs house with clowns? Unlikely.

There's fixes there: Simon knew the homeowner and set up the clowns. Assume he took precautions to protect the homeowner, but he called the police once his plan was in motion, so that it timed that the police arrived as the thief fled the house. This way your cops weren't just standing by going, "I dunno- let's see if this works." It makes Simon less police consultant and more vigilante, but in the same vein as The Mentalist, Limitless, or any number of similar shows (the fedora made me think of White Collar). In-story, it's more like he was a security consultant for the homeowner, which would allow for his odd trap and the police not being all over the situation until the end.

Now:

All that to say: I liked your story. I don't pick it apart to belittle the writing at all. This is leaps and bounds better than some previous posts, and that's a cool thing to see. The thing is: don't dumb down everything else to make your character look good. Make it work like it should, making it harder for your character. Then when he gets through anyway, it makes him look even cooler.

It's why I disliked White Collar. It's a fun show, but it drove me crazy that more often than not, Neil explained the cons to the FBI like they had never dealt with thieves before. The show started trying to correct that later, but it was too late at that point. On the other hand, Limitless is awesome. The FBI agents are smart and good at their job, but Brian Finch has pill-induced super smarts, and is thinking on a whole other level. What's cool is that sometimes he goes through this elaborate thought process to figure something out, because he's thinking of twenty different factors, but when he goes to tell the FBI, they're like, "Yeah, we subpoenaed Mrs. Smith's bank records and found that out already." It doesn't make either character stupid- it just shows there's more than one way to get something done.

Does it make the story a little harder to write? Yes, but that's what makes it so much fun. :)

@cbishop: Thanks! I really appreciate it! It's always useful to have a second opinion, especially when they know what they're talking about. I'll edit it up a bit to fix all that.

The point about his stealing so much is he knew what people would have the money themselves and with them and not all of it in a bank. So it was demonstrating his genius at knowing who had it as well as the fact some people have the tendency to not put everything in a bank. Like someone who is doing something illegal with cash. Such as buying stolen items. They wouldn't go to the bank to get the money because taking our a million dollars is a bit dangerous. They'd do it a bit at a time building up some personal amounts so nobody noticed.

Anyway, thanks a lot! I'll get on it.

I was waiting for someone else to post first, as my thought being the warning was either a joke, or over-hyped, and both sounded rude in my mind.

@cbishop: That may be a little better.

@wildvine: Well, the last sentencw was mostly a joke. But people I know might get a bit grossed our so I wanted to be safe.

@admirallogic: A little, yes. You do this thing though- and it's not necessarily a bad thing... You successfully told the story here, but you rushed through it. There's a certain charm to fast stories if done right, but done wrong, they turn out to be more plot synopsis than story. This story is more than a plot synopsis, but there's so much more you could have done. Stroll through your story a little more, instead of sprinting towards the introduction of Simon. Get in the head of your thief, and tell us some more about him.

Why is he stealing five million plus dollars? Is he funding a doomsday device? Does he owe a loan shark? Have medical bills? Plan on taking his girlfriend around the world? Needs kindling for a bonfire? Is it revenge on former partners? Is he playing a Robin Hood angle? Is he just spending it on drugs and hookers?

If the victims of the robberies have anything to do with the story, then reveal a little about them while your thief is doing his thing. What kind of business were they in to have so much money? Was it legit? Or were they criminals like you suggested in your previous response?

You did list how tight the security was on the previous four houses, but when you got to the meat of the story where we actually get to see him rob the place, it's not as well protected. So we're not really getting to see him do his thing. Which brings up a question:

Why is this house less protected? Why is it older? Why does this rich guy live in an older house, when he has the same money as the previous four?

But back to the point: make us care about your thief. As it is, he started off seeming like a male Catwoman-level thief, but when he got scared away by clowns and landed stuttering in the cops' hands, he seemed like a bumbling street thug. Is there a reason for that? Maybe he had some kind of hypnotically ingrained skills that were broken by the sudden appearance of giant clowns? It seems unlikely that this was your plan, so it appears that the thief's only purpose was to barrel towards the end of the story to intro Simon. And it makes Simon seem like overkill- like using a steamroller to kill an ant.

It's okay to make the wrong person the main character. Tell us an entire story about this guy robbing the rich, so that when he gets busted by Simon, we care. The little bit we saw of Simon, I liked the guy. He could have been just a clever detective in this story though. I didn't see the super genius your character bio made him out to be. Super genius needs to be impressive. It's not active, like lifting a mountain or running across water. So it builds armor or high tech devices, or is continually ten steps ahead of everyone in the room. When it does the same thing a beat cop could have done, it's just, "Why?" So tell us enough about your thief's methods that it makes Simon's involvement understandable. In the process, it makes both characters more impressive to your readers.

@cbishop: Thanks! I really missed that. I would explain though thay seeing two giant evil clowns carrying a screaming dead woman would be enough to make some people go a bit nuts. But I see what you mean. Although I did say I'm going to get more into Simons abilities later I'm currently mostly on his methods, mainly how unorthodox they are. Soon his true genius will come up.

I did day the last was mostly for show but I'm going to fix it anyway.

Thanks!

@admirallogic: Never wrong to cover the bases.