One of my poem's

Heavy is the Head

by ELIXIR82, Feb 26, 2014, 1:57:01 PM

Literature / Poetry / Spiritual / Free Verse

Heavy is the head of the man who suppose to be dead

Steady in his steed he stared

Into the abyss he glared

Open his mouth do he dare

With the flash he feared his families fate he shared

His burden laid bare his tears he didn't shed

No longer heavy is his head

Life long lost he said, "

Give me no legs for the road i tread

Take my ring for the wife i wed

Take my tears i didn't shed

Give them my heart , let them know i cared"

And as he "slept" they appeared

As they wept from what they read

Heavy is the heart of the family that suppose to be dead.........

Opinions?

It rhymes.

That I am afraid is my limit when it comes to critiquing poetry.

Can anyone do a better poem... ?

@sovereigndivinity: Free verse doesn't typically rhyme. If I may be critical, the story here isn't obvious. I think you tried too hard to force the rhymes. Lemme show you my most popular poem for example, as it's free verse.

Now I rhymed a tad, but mostly I went for the emotion and the story. Obviously not a perfect example, but I think you get what I mean.

@sovereigndivinity: DUDE dont you need to add a fullstop?

"Better" is subjective, but I'm pretty fond of this one: Excalibow: The Ballad of Arthur's Arrow. :)

@wildvine: It wasn't forced rhymes. It's a inversion poem. Which means reverse word order yet the same meaning. Every word has a particular meaning an reason why I used them. It's a dark poem about sacrifice and a second chance.

@sovereigndivinity: You asked for opinions