@delek_reap said:
I have a lot to deal with tonight. I need to analyze the data I have. It’s going to take a few hours.
“Good evening sir. Going out again are you?” Alfred spoke. He began tidying up the Batcave.
“I have to.” I answered him.
“Do be careful then sir.” Alfred responded.
“I will.” I told him. He left the cave after tidying up some more, and I went back to analyzing data.
I heard there was a new crime fighter in town, one who killed people. I had to find them and put a stop to it. Based on the location of the attacks, I have managed to calculate a likely area for him to show up at. I got my gear, and headed out to the docks.
Sure enough, I saw signs that he had been here. I found two thieves dead with bullet holes in them. I looked around from the rooftops, and saw a third one running away in panic. I quickly rushed over to him.
“Stop right there.” I said, appearing in front of him.
“Ple-please, you have to help me. He’ll kill me. He’s a maniac. Plea-“ Somebody fired a bullet at him, and he was dead too. I looked towards the source of the shot to see who fired it, to see it was a sniper from the bridge. I had to get there quickly, so I called the Batjet to myself, got in it quickly, and pursued the man. Whoever he was, this was going to end now.
I jumped out of the Batjet to jump in front of the man, and saw that he was heavily armed. His outfit was mostly black, except for a large white skull on the front. The teeth of the skull looked to be pouches that contained more ammunition. “Who are you, and what do you think you’re doing?” I asked the man.
“I’m the Punisher. I deal justice to criminal scum.” He said to me.
“Your kind of justice isn’t acceptable.” I responded. It really wasn’t. He killed people, and that was unacceptable.
“You should be glad Batman. I’m helping you out.” The Punisher said.
“No you’re not. You need to stop this now.” I ordered him. I doubted he would obey though. He didn’t seem like he would take orders from anybody anymore.
“Like you can stop me.” He said. He threw down a smoke bomb and drove off in his van. He was clearly trained, as he knew I would fight him if needed. He must be going to prepare for such an event.
I wouldn’t be able to follow him at the time being, but I did throw a tracer on his van, so I could track him later. For now, I had to head back to the Batcave.
I got back to the Batcave and headed straight for the computer. “Computer, run a background check on all known information of The Punisher.” I had to study him. Learn his fighting style. Prepare for the worst.
The next night there was a report that Killer Croc had escaped. This wasn’t good. I had to prepare for that too. After gathering my equipment, I headed into the Batmobile, and decided to follow The Punisher using the tracer I placed the previous night.
When I found him, he was going to kill another criminal at the docks, so I had to act fast. I quickly threw a Batarang at his gun. “Stop right there Punisher. This ends now.” I told him.
“You really want to fight. So be it. Let’s fight.” He responded. He pulled out another gun, and fired at me. I quickly rolled to the side and threw another Batarang. He charged at me and threw a punch, which I dodged, and then I punched him with the Battaser, which hit him and knocked him back.
Something rippled in the water. Something large. Killer Croc jumped out of the water, and attacked me.
“I’ve been waiting for a long time to get my revenge on you Batman!” He was about to slash at me, when Punisher shot him with a shotgun.
“I’m not going to let that happen.” He said.
“Who are you?” Croc demanded.
“That doesn’t concern you.” Punisher rushed forward and fired another shot. Killer Croc rushed forward and slapped the gun out of his hands, then I leaped at him and pounded him with the Battaser. He screamed in pain, then Punisher picked up his shotgun and aimed to shoot him.
“No! Don’t do this Punisher.” I demanded.
“Fine. Just this once I’ll play nice. I’ll leave Gotham, for now. But someday I may be back.” He picked up his guns. “Besides, this place was boring me. Too many freak shows around here, like talking bats.” He smiled and walked out.
“And I’ll be ready for you.” I said.
**
Note: I don't think I did that great on this one. I will try to improve as time passes. Some advice would be appreciated.
1. Pick a tense and stick with it. If you open up with one tense, make the rest of that scene follow that tense with consistency. If you scene jump, then sure. Change it in the following scenes if you want, but PLEASE stay consistent.
2. If you have dialogue tags that are "said" or synonyms there-in that come after a line of dialogue, there needs to be a COMMA separating the two in order to make it a complete sentence.
3. For said tag, if the words "he" "she" "it" or etc are used, then they need to be capitalized if it's part of a dialogue tag.
4. In dialogue, contractions are you're FRIENDS.
5. Just use said and ask for dialogue tags, please? It's alright that you don't have fancy sounding synonyms for them and simpler too and gives you room on making the story more visual so that you don't have to use a lot of ly adverbs and adjectives and the reader can pick-up on things without such obvious suggestions.
A version of this with most things fixed (except for probably the showing and telling aspect, of which, I am still struggling with but know I added to this story) would look like:
I have a lot to deal with tonight. I need to analyze the data I have. It’s going to take a few hours.
“Good evening sir. Going out again are you?” Alfred says. He tidies up the Batcave.
“I have to,” I answer him.
“Do be careful then sir."
“I will.”
He leaves after a few more quick sweeps and I go back to analyzing data.
I heard there was a new crime fighter in town. One who killed people. I had to find him and put a stop to it. Based on the location of the attacks, I manage to calculate a likely area for him to show up at. I get my gear and head out for the docks.
Sure enough, I find two thieves dead with bullet holes in them. I look around from the rooftops. A third one was running away in panic on the ground below. I jumped, landing in front of him. “Stop right there.”
“P-p-p-lease! You have to help me! He’ll kill me! He’s a maniac! Plea--" A shot rings out in the night and he's dead too. On the source of the bullet, a bridge, there's a sniper. I won't let him escape. Not now. I call the Bat-jet, leap in, and pursue. Whoever he was, this was going to end now.
I jump out and land in front of the man. He's packing enough heat to storm the white-house. His outfit is mostly black, except for a large white skull emblazoned on the chest. The teeth of the skull look to be pouches that contain extra ammunition. “Who are you, and what do you think you’re doing?” I ask the killer.
“I’m the Punisher. I deal justice to criminal scum,” he says to me.
“Your kind of justice isn’t acceptable.” It really wasn’t. He killed people. That was unacceptable. Unnecessary. Wasteful.
“You should be glad Batman. I’m helping you out."
“No. You’re not. You need to stop this. Now.” I doubt he'll obey. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of man who would take orders from anybody anymore.
“Like you can stop me.” He throws down a smoke bomb and drives off in his van. He was clearly trained as he knew I would fight him if needed. He must be going to prepare for such an event.
I wouldn’t be able to follow him for the time being, but I do throw a tracer on his van, so I can find him later. For now, I have to head back home.
Once there, I say, “Computer: run a background check on all known information of The Punisher.” I have to study him. Learn his fighting style. Prepare for the worst.
The next night, there's a report that Killer Croc has escaped. Again. I have to prepare for that too. After gathering my equipment, I head into the Batmobile and decided to follow up on the Punisher.
I find him. He's going to kill another criminal at the docks, so I act fast. I hurl a Batarang at his gun. “Stop right there Punisher! I'm not going to sit by and let you slaughter anymore people!"
“You really wanna fight? Alright. Let’s play.” He pulls out another gun and fires. I roll to the side and throw another Batarang. He charges at me and throws a punch, which I dodge, and then I punch him with the Bat-taser, knocking him back.
Something ripples in the water from the corner of my eye. Something large. Killer Croc. Before I can react, he jumps out of the water and is upon me, pinning me to the ground like a body builder might a three year old.
“I’ve been waiting for a long time to get my revenge Batman!” He's about to slash at me when Punisher unloads some buckshot into his green hide.
“I’m not going to let that happen,” he says, ejecting the spent shell out of his shotgun.
“ 'The hell are you?” Killer Croc asked.
“What's it to a walking pair of boots like you?” Punisher rushes forward and fires another shot. Killer Croc rushes forward and slaps the gun out of his hands. That's when I leap at him and pound him with the Bat-taser. He growls in pain like the animal he takes his namesake from. The Punisher picks up his shotgun and takes aim.
“No! Don’t do this Punisher!” I said.
“Fine. Just this once, I’ll play nice. I’ll leave Gotham for now. But someday, I may be back.” He picks up his guns. “Besides, this place was boring me. Too many freak shows around here, like talking bats.” He smiles and walks out.
“And I’ll be ready for you."
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