Comic Vine News

79 Comments

Why 'Batman' Would Make A Terrible Boyfriend

Let's see he's obsessed, he's schizophrenic and he's insane; yep that pretty much sums it up.

No Caption Provided

If you were to ask me who my favorite comic book character is, I would say, without question, it's Batman. Batman books are what initially interested me in reading comics. To me, he's quite possibly the most compelling, complex character in the DC Universe. He's dark, brooding and mysterious. He's always serious, and he's a master detective. Some of his best stories are the most cerebral, and leave you in suspense at every turn. He has both the most interesting lifestyle as well as the most compelling rogues gallery, and his rich character history is part of what makes him such a fantastic character. Yet as great as he is, Batman/Bruce Wayne would probably make for the absolute worst boyfriend, period. And here's why.

== TEASER ==

He's consumed by the death of his parents

No Caption Provided

...and he's dedicated his entire existence to avenging them. Like it or not, Bruce Wayne's dead parents come before you do, period. See,"Bruce Wayne" died when his parents were killed that fateful evening on the way back from the theater. In his place, Batman was born, propelled by a thirst for vengeance and retribution. Bruce Wayne wanted justice, and after training to fight the war on crime his entire life, he has taken justice into his own hands and strived to eradicate lawlessness; but it's at a great cost to himself. Batman is completely absorbed by avenging his parents death, and as a result, he'll have very little time for dating you.

He's kind of crazy

No Caption Provided

Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is "doing the same action over and over again, expecting a different result." Isn't that exactly what Batman does? Over and over again he puts on the costume, goes out and fights crime, and then throws the criminals he catches into Arkham in hopes that the insane asylum will rehabilitate them. Not to mention, just how sane is a guy who runs around in a costume fighting crime can? Not very.

Additionally, many of the criminals that began to spring up in Gotham City can be viewed as a result of Batman's existence. There's a question of whether or not his existence as Batman is what led to the creation of villains like the Joker, for example. The Joker seems to exist solely to wreak havoc on Batman -- to give him a hard time, to get under his skin. Would the Joker exist were it not for Batman's existence? I bring up the Joker because the two compliment one another a little bit too well in that they are both seemingly insane. Take for example the Joker's appearance in 'The Killing Joke' where he questions Batman's sanity and infers that he (Batman) is just as "crazy" as he (the Joker) is. Not to mention, Bruce does seem to have a mild case of schizophrenia; I mean just look at all of his different alter egos...Batman, Bruce Wayne, Matches Malone...

Bruce Wayne, billionaire playboy

No Caption Provided

When he's not out fighting crime in that crazy costume of his, or solving mysteries from the comfort of his bat cave, Batman hangs up the tights for a night on the town as Bruce Wayne, the billionaire playboy. Now, someone didn't just give him the "playboy" reputation; Bruce had to earn it. And earn it he has. Wherever he is, there's always an attractive lady on his arm, and it's rarely ever the same woman. Just this month alone Bruce got a little physical with both Catwoman (in Catwoman's self titled series) and reporter Charlotte Rivers (Batman: Detective Comics #2). Do you really want to deal with the headache?

Chances are, he won't trust you

No Caption Provided

If there's one thing Batman is known for it's his inability to trust the people around him. You can be Dick Grayson, the boy he raised, and he still won't trust you. Why? Because Batman doesn't trust anyone. Not only will he second guess and dissect everything you say, but he'll likely interrogate you. Oh, and do you have some deep, dark secret you don't want anyone knowing about? Did you wet the bed until you were 12? Play with Barbies until you were 15? Yeah, Batman probably knows all about that, too, so there's no use hiding anything from him. Don't even dream of a "girls night out" because Mr. Paranoia will likely be all over that and raining on your parade. I guess the only advantage to this is that he'll always know what to get you for your birthday because chances are, he already knows everything about you...

You'll be living in constant danger

No Caption Provided

Once his enemies find out about you and who you are, you can damn well guarantee your life will be in danger. All the time. Look at what happened to Jason Todd? He got beat with a crow bar. What about Barbara Gordon? She was shot in the back. Whoever Batman/Bruce Wayne brings into the fold immediately becomes a primary target for his adversaries. How do you get to the man you can't catch? You catch the people he cares the most about.

But wait, your life won't only be in danger at the hands of the joker; oh no! You'll be in big trouble once his ex girlfriends find out about you and Brucey! You really want a lady like Talia al Ghul trailing your every move? Oh and Catwoman, you do not want to get on that woman's bad side. She's scratch out more than just your eyes. And I'm sure the last thing anyone needs is some yellow journalism leaked in Gotham's most distinguished newspaper by none other than reporter Vicki Vale...

Batman is a lot of great, wonderful and marvelous things; but he's most certainly the last guy any girl in her right mind would want to date. Or I should say, should want to date; because lets face it; you really can't choose who you fall for. Good thing he's not real.